Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

I like Denver's words.

Denver, I know you think this is premature. I get that. But I don't see it as something that will hurt them (off the top of my head I cannot see how Retrovaille could backfire, but maybe I'm wrong).

My main concern is that by not going, he'll blow it if he does not get the TOOLS to repair things FAST.

If he cannot learn how to communicate with her in a healthy way, and to stop spinning wheels, or blurting out, he'll do damage to the m that is not fixable. Hard to explain but I sense a lot of "almost blowing it" on his end. Like he and she are barely in control.

So I'm hoping Retrovaille CALMS THEM DOWN and slows this down...

Rough, if you can attend Essential Experience that's another option b/c YOU can go without her. It's a 3+ day workshop for personal growth for indivduals, that gets you to SEE your life and how you got there and where you now want to go...and how to get there...with an action plan for your life.

EE gives you Clarity, TOOLS and a "life map", so to speak.

It's for indivduals but since we are part of a couple, our own personal work makes us better partners and better workers and better bosses, etc.

I went years ago, and at the time I did not have a marriage problem per se. But I knew I had my own issues. And it was such a profound experience for me, that I changed a lot.

H saw the changes the minute he saw me walk off the plane. So a few weeks after I returned from EE, H chose to attend too. That was a surprise but the value of EE is in the changes seen in us. And he got a lot out of it.

Years later we went back, together. Wow, what a great experience.

Retrovaille was also helpful and it came at a time when I did not have a lot of hope for us. Yes it is more focussed on marriages. So yes both people have to want to go. As you know Rough, I barely wanted to go.

(To me, the religion thing is a non issue. I cannot wrap my brain around the fears others have when it comes to this. I could see if religion is an issue INSIDE the marriage, but not at Retrovaille.)

Honestly, I was raised Catholic but h was not. He did not feel ANY pressure to join the church there at all.

I cannot recall any religious talk, except a generic prayer for our marriages, and the term "God", which H and I are fine with.

After the weekend, if you wanted to go to Mass, you could. Some did, some left for their drives home. We actually chose to attend Mass. I guess the Catholic kid in me wanted a "clean slate" or something.

But h was fine with it and I let him decide. If it's some sort of deal breaker than that's a topic for discussion too Rough. Feel her out about that if you are interested.

There are also non denominational ones but I assume they're less frequently offered.)

Some of your stuff sounds unrelated to your marriage by itself. So you attending Essential Experience would help (but is not offered til February if I'm not mistaken as their October one is filled)

it would improve your self esteem and confidence and you'd learn much better communication tools...but not sure you can wait til then. (Check out their website)

What I mean is, for instance, your conflict avoidance is not her problem, it's yours.

So you need to learn how to be braver and calmer about conflict. We all have conflicts in life. But those who hide from it, actually tend to worsen it and only later in life do they see the damage they inflicted which they thought they had avoided.

My h was conflict avoidant and it did NOT help our marriage, but he says he is working on it.

My mother is conflict avoidant and yet creates far more conflict b/c of that.

She involves others instead of simply directly addressing the person involved. So then a 3rd party gets dragged into it, to help her, which does not help the situation or the 3d party who got dragged.

I guess She hopes to avoid the discomfort of "confronting" b/c she associates confrontation with huge blowouts - when in reality, at most there'd be some awkward moments until things were settled. Big deal.

That's what happens when we ask someone to stop doing something we don't like.

But That's SO MUCH BETTER than a 3rd party being dragged into it which always makes it worse, or a big blow out or seething resentment building up over time. But that is what she creates.

And frankly, it is cowardly. (I love my mom but this is a problem she has)

She's 90 y/o, so I don't expect her to change. But I won't repeat her behavior in my life. Lesson learned.

I don't know what else to tell you.

My gut says get her there b/c you sense an opening and you both need tools for working on the relationship you have, married or not.

IF you go, you cannot stare at her to see if she's getting it or take her temperature all the time.

You just do YOUR WORK and leave her alone.

But think about it. Denver has good points to ponder too.

You can ask her and feel her out by LISTENING and see what she says

BUT if she says no to going, then let it go and don't pine about it.

Move along and know that she can change her mind later.

make sense?