We managed to have a conversation about this this weekend without clouding it full of emotion.
I stated that the years of this SSM have left me feeling hurt and empty and that i need to have a fulling sex life as part of my life.
I was informed that all the sex in the world would do nothing to help me feel better, that it was all inside of me and that it is up to me to find happiness within myself. (Dr. Phil was even cited as part of this statement).
I asked what it would take to bring any kind of sexual relations back into our marriage and this is what i was told. That my depression over the years (my perspective...much of it caused by ssm) is unattractive. That i have to take care of myself and actively work at being mentally and physically fit (emphasis not on being fit, of which i am not doing badly), but actively working on improving myself. As well as finding some activity for us to do together which it physically and mentally challenging.
The fact that i have moved out (doing something on my own) and that I have started taking a martial arts fitness class (trying to improve myself) without her (she's not physically capable of doing this) are both turn-offs because I am doing it on my own. ARGHH.
I must say that one of the reasons i felt i had to move out to deal with these issues is that i felt like such a caged animal in the house...rarely allowed to do anything on my own.
So IF i can find someway to fulfil her needs in this way, then MAYBE she will start to find me sexually attractive again "like when we used to do that stuff". It's going to be difficult to find something physically challenging that she will be able to do because of her disabilities...but also, back when we were doing that stuff...it wasn't a satisfying sex life at all, it may or may not have qualified as SSM at that time, but i do know i was unhappy about it even then.
I feel like i am being manipulated again and its hard for me to keep my thoughts straight.
