Help on how to behave

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25yrsmlc.

My ultimate goal is reconciliation. But yes, patience is something i realise I have to get nailed or I will blow it even further.

Shorter term I now want to be able to have a conversation with W that is not about her moving house. We did make some small progress this evening and we are talking.

^^^sounds good.


My 180's before this blew up were:

1. Spending more time with kids:

- Make sure I am home for dinner or at least before bed time each evening from work and take our youngest S off her hands

be home for dinner. You CAN usually make that happen. Being home "at least before evening" makes no sense to me. She needs to see this concrete step as it affects her quality of life. Bring work home if you have to or don't take lunch. But get home by dinner (for now at least)

- To do at least 2 activities at weekend with S to give W a break.

Good. Can you help each evening with some task? A bath or clean up or something that gives her a daily break? God, I'd need that if I were her.


2. Be more proactive with housework:

- To help with washing and ironing at weekend

- To clean bathroom once a week

(the 2 jobs W hates doing)

^^^ these are good concrete measurable goals that ought to be done anyhow. But expect no thanks for awhile, and if you get some, be glad. Do not highlight the contributions you are making. IN her eyes, maybe, this is something you ought to have been doing for years...make sense?


3. To be happier when I get home from work

- smiling when I arrive home instead of being stressed from rush hour! being upbeat and positive when I arrive home.

^^^ GOOD!!

Nothing worse than a self absorbed negative person walking in the door who also makes demands of you (e.g., dinner and warm reception expected) so good luck on this goal!

IF you can do THIS, it can make a difference in how everyone feels all evening.


4. To show more appreciation to W
- thank W for nice meal when she cooks and more generally with housework
- listen more attentively when she tells me about her day

Again, this ^^^ is Good stuff.

A kind warm greeting and question about her day is also a nice start and if she wants to unload the son or a problem, be glad she chose YOU to unburden herself to, if you know what I mean.

Isn't she home with son most of the day by herself?

5. To try and use her LL more:
- words of affirmation
- think PT is another of W LL(this is a goal to create some intimacy)

make sure PT is HER LL (and not just yours.) I think some men say PT is their w's love language but it turns into something else, so it's really just foreplay

and that can make some women feel pressure.

A friend of mine used to give his ex w a back rub for AN HOUR and it never lead to more intimacy, or it WAS the intimacy

My h is not physically capable of that, imo. (I am not angry about it but more amused.)

My point is, while I love back rubs, I know that with MY h, it leads to something else so it's not really a "one way gift" to me,

and there are times I NEED a back rub and wish I didn't have to pay a masseuse for one.

But I know my h and his limits. A LONG back rub and a lot of PT are not going to happen often, unless it goes somewhere.

Many women feel this way and so, even though we'd LOVE to be touched, if there are expectations attached, that feels like pressure

OR It might just be more than she's ready for.

AND OR it's nice to be touched for the sake of comforting another and not with a return expected.

So if you can give her PT without expecting more, go for it. But let her know she's in charge of that -

and you won't feel angry if all she does is receive for awhile.


6. To make sure I walk dog every evening.

My GAL activities:
- Gym (3x per week)
- Dog walk (every evening)
- activities with S
- keep in contact with friends. Visit them
- Dog training class

Some good stuff here^^^ but

only ONE Of these^^ involve other people. More GAL activities need to involve others. Going to the gym helps you, but it's not really a social activity.

Same for everything else up there, except the "hang w/friends"...

I suggest you JOIN something, a group/club or class and meet NEW people who do not know your w or sitch.

GETTING OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE (GROWING), AND MEETING NEW PEOPLE ARE 2 KEYS TO GAL.


I took a French Conversation club, an Italian cooking class,
I joined a writer's group, I auditioned for theater and did stand up comedy,

I volunteered at the women's shelter, I did things at the kids' school,
I took up cross country skiing and target shooting, I coached a softball team, AND worked out and saw a c, and used a tanning booth and took anti-depressants and yes, there's more.

But those are examples of things I did to GAL and I did them in the interior of Alaska, when I had a newborn at home.

There's no way you cannot GAL more.

Make the time. This is your only life. So Get A Life. We hammer the GAL here, for good reason.

It makes a HUGE difference in your PMA and the changes you want to make and pretty much everything else.


These were all going pretty well until the disaster of the last few days! W still has trust issues with all of this - but I had been feeling pretty good and she loved me spending more time with S and the dog! I am enjoying these and would like to keep them up.

But then I hit the panic button and boom!

Re RetroVaille I would love to attend. We have very little to no spare money at the moment.

you can go and pay based on a sliding scale. Just ask.


Eldest S is at Uni and we don't get and govt support. I have to finance him.


Join the club. We had 2 in college at once. My entire 6 figure paycheck went to tuition and taxes, and was still not enough. Never got any gov support either.


I am having to ask parents if they could loan me for DB coach -confidentially!. I know my marriage is more important than money but it is the worst we have had it financially in a long time. It is adding a lot of exra pressure to things. But I will do what I can to get help.

fwiw, most marital crises hit the bank hard. Ours sure did. Still not where we would have been without the insanity

but then again, divorce would cost more. Keep that in mind.

Remember that financial security is, right or wrong, a big hope and expectation many women have of their men. We are attracted to "good providers", whether that's fair or not. So

You're smart not to flaunt spending a lot of money in front of her even if it is for DBing.
I don't recall enough of your sitch that touches on finances.

is that a specific problem she complained of with you?



Just as a general update, when I got home from work today W approached me and apologised for her behaviour over the last few days, said she has never been like that before and does not know what happened. That she does not want us to fight over things like this.

I responded by saying I understand why she must feel so angry, that I could have handled myself better dealing with sitch and I agree that we need to communicate better.

She had made my dinner (which I thanked her for). She explained that she has researched some other options re housing and there may be things she can do. I am having trouble with the thought of her leaving still. I think it is this that really derailed me.

We had a general conversation about issues with transport at S school (she was in an upbeat mood) and she insisted to get S ready for bed. She has now gone out to a friends house.

For now I am just thankful we are talking. It at least gives me chance to work on communicating.

Perhaps should not have done this - I text OM W, said that I don't think confrontation would result in anyones best interest if she is wrong. That I was not convinced of A. I suggested we just give it time, said I love W and family and that I do not want to risk any further pressure on that. She text back and agreed that she understands and the approach made sense and she will not confront her H. That she needs to GAL herself. But I know I have lit a potential time bomb here!!! stupid. I will cut off all contact now.

Sorry for long post(again). I will keep you updated and thanks for stepping in.

I am already reading DR again!.

Please stop the contact now.

You've made your position clear w/the POSSIBLE OM's w, so what else is left to say?

Good luck.