Over the past month or so i've been working with a doctor to fight depression i've been having. It seems we've finally found something that is working for me and i feel much better about myself and no longer feel despair and hopelessness about my situation. Not to say that i know yet if it can be worked out...but its no longer destroying my life.
I see my wife fairly regularly either to go out to dinner or a movie. I have stayed over at the house a few times because it was late. I stay in the spare bedroom. It still feels like the same marriage as when i was living at home. That's not very good in my opinion.
It was her birthday last weekend. Being on my new anti-depressants i was feeling pretty good, and managed to set my anger aside. We took a trip (3 hour car ride each way) and stayed at a friends house overnight. She went out with her friend for the day and we drove back that night. No relationship talk, i didn't want to start that and ruin her birthday weekend.
On the way there i told her i was feeling frisky, and cuddled up in bed with her too, i tried to get something going, but no response. Physical touch is fine with her but it is all PG. She never seeems to have any sexual response, just accepts it as a loving touch, and doesn't return it at all. Oh well, i wasn't going to get upset about it, that's all the reaction i expected anyway.
She had a great time on the trip and reported to my sister that it was the best birthday she ever had. WTF? Her husband has separated from her...is having a hard time dealing with the marriage and she's enjoying life? She's getting everything she needs from our relationship. That so puzzles me.
I have been thinking about it a lot. I know she really loves me and cares for me but I don't think i can continue to be with her if she's only going to be a friend and not my lover. I need to discuss this again with her but it will take me a while to get up the courage again to get into another talk about our sitionation.
I find that it is so important to me, that i am suffering too much without it, that i am willing to move forward without her to find what i want if i can't get it from her. Right now i feel i have managed to lay my guild aside about feeling this way and taking the steps to leave my marriage, that i know i have to do what's right for me.
I don't want to be a quitter, and i'll give it another shot to try and get what i need from my marriage and my wife, but as long as she sees this as my problem and not our problem, i don't think that will happen.
