How do I deal with this text message

[SunnyBurst]

Hi Sunny! Keeping a PMA is not easy all the time that's for sure, some days it seems down right impossible.... here are some of the things that help me.

1. When I start thinking negative about this situation,I try to think about something positive, like a complement someone gave me recently, or helping someone out and they appreciated it, makes me remember I'm not crazy.

2. I made a list of everything that was making me happy recently (I posted it a few months ago). The list included simple things like the sound of church bells.

3. I keep telling myself, GOD HAS A PLAN!!!! (It's my mantra lately)

4. I also remind myself to make sure I am doing and saying things out of love (no revenge, that never ends well).

5. Just laugh. Sometimes that's the only thing to do, especially with some of the stuff they will pull!

6. Remember YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

7. Blaring Toby Mac's Gone and singing at the top of my lungs also makes me happy (this should be done in the car, not in the presence of the MLCer). It reminds me I do have some control, I can leave anytime I want to if I so choose.

8. Do something silly, do something fun, do something YOU have always wanted to... it's amazing how great it can make you feel!

9. Pray, pray, pray and pray some more!

10. Read something inspirational be it a book or just an inspirational quote.

Hope these help....

Amazing !!! Thanks a bunch - nice to see how long you are hanging in there so long -- !!!

[SunnyBurst]

Originally Posted By: snodderly
Don't be surprised if you don't get your favorite dinner this evening.

She is still very much in the "me" mode and acting childish. Don't change your plans for her. She needs to learn that you are not going to be at her beck and call.

Take care of yourself.

Hit it right on the head snodderly !!! - I thought she would make dinner anyway but you were right !!



Walked in like everything was normal sid hello to my son kissed and hugged him - got complete silent treatment from my wife !! -- Even after he went to sleep I was watching my tv show and she walked out of the room I just sat there with a strong confident face with a light smile. This morning I got my son up and dressed and she walked in the bathroom and was friendly I just acted like everything was normal. Turns out she did get a sitter for Saturday but she will only be at the concert from 10 till 11:30 cuz the sitter cant sit past 12 there is a good chance I will have to see her with this guy Raul on Sat not looking forward to seeing this buthead -- but from what I understand she is telling people she is divorced when that absolutely is not the case -- so Raul is buddys with my BF Mike - what do I do if he introduces him to me --

Feeling very strong and confident yet feeling like my guts are getting ripped out at the same time -- thanks for all your help !!

Sunny

[ericmsant2]

but from what I understand she is telling people she is divorced when that absolutely is not the case -- so Raul is buddys with my BF Mike - what do I do if he introduces him to me –

Do you feel that you want to meet him? Psst…hint chances are deep down inside you may want to but probably for the wrong reasons.

IMO, I would focus more on having a good time at the concert and less about Raul. As for meeting him, I think you may not be emotionally ready just yet but at the same token I don’t think you should run from any encounter. Personally, I would try and avoid the confrontation and just try and have a good time.

I would though….look your best, smell your best and have one hell of time.

[SunnyBurst]

but from what I understand she is telling people she is divorced when that absolutely is not the case -- so Raul is buddys with my BF Mike - what do I do if he introduces him to me –

Do you feel that you want to meet him? Psst…hint chances are deep down inside you may want to but probably for the wrong reasons.

IMO, I would focus more on having a good time at the concert and less about Raul. As for meeting him, I think you may not be emotionally ready just yet but at the same token I don’t think you should run from any encounter. Personally, I would try and avoid the confrontation and just try and have a good time.

I would though….look your best, smell your best and have one hell of time.

Nope I am bringing troops with me so I won't have to go it alone - I DON'T want to meet him cuz I might say so you like MY WIFE YOU BUTT HEAD --

I will look awesome and I will have fun that I can promise you !!!

[SunnyBurst]

Still silent treatment last night when I got home and this morning - I usually go home early on Wed and make dinner ( a 180 for me as it was my job to cook and I was sometimes to lazy to do it ) I am totally swamped at work I could easily work till 6:00pm and go right to my prayer group tonight -- sometimes when there is tension between us - I go home to cook she has already ordered food and fed him - not sure what I should do here

Thanks for any help -

Sunny

[ericmsant2]

Sunny,
Two questions for you….
1) What do YOU EXPECT from HER?
2) What do YOU EXPECT from YOU?
Oh…and WHY for each answer.

[TSquared2]

One idea:

If you go home and she has already ordered food and whatnot, thank her for taking care of it (mlc'ers crave attention, validation and acknowledgment) and THEN, make tomorrow's dinner (maybe something that can be re-heated, like a nice lasagna or something, then let her know that dinner is taken care of for tomorrow night and any reheating instructions (said with all the importance of "I took out the trash"...i.e., as if no big deal). In fact, this might work for your Wednesdays to cook ahead on the weekends or Tuesday night. Remeber, this is for you and S first, showing her a 180 secondary.

Let her be silent and go about your life with S and all...there is going to be a lot of this in the days, months to come...the best thing you can do is roll with it. It's not all about you, and as time goes on, it will be less, and less, about you and mostly about her internal journey. Have you read the "Stages of MLC"? Though it isn't a sure fire exact fit template, it is an invaluable rough guide roadmap of things to expect so they don't throw you for a loop.

That's my 2.5 cents...

T^2

[SunnyBurst]

Sunny,
Two questions for you….
1) What do YOU EXPECT from HER?
2) What do YOU EXPECT from YOU?
Oh…and WHY for each answer.

I guess I am expecting her to be nasty as she has been till I cave and let her go out on Sat and watch my son

I think I should go home and make dinner the reason I don't want to is 1) I am trying to detach 2) I don't like going into a non talking situation either - very uncomfortable right now as I have been an ass kissing doormat for so long now.

[SunnyBurst]

One idea:

If you go home and she has already ordered food and whatnot, thank her for taking care of it (mlc'ers crave attention, validation and acknowledgment) and THEN, make tomorrow's dinner (maybe something that can be re-heated, like a nice lasagna or something, then let her know that dinner is taken care of for tomorrow night and any reheating instructions (said with all the importance of "I took out the trash"...i.e., as if no big deal). In fact, this might work for your Wednesdays to cook ahead on the weekends or Tuesday night. Remeber, this is for you and S first, showing her a 180 secondary.

Let her be silent and go about your life with S and all...there is going to be a lot of this in the days, months to come...the best thing you can do is roll with it. It's not all about you, and as time goes on, it will be less, and less, about you and mostly about her internal journey. Have you read the "Stages of MLC"? Though it isn't a sure fire exact fit template, it is an invaluable rough guide roadmap of things to expect so they don't throw you for a loop.

That's my 2.5 cents...

T^2

This is the confusing part for me -- since until I started posting here I would always greet her when I saw her I am trying to stop that and NOT speak to her her UNLESS she speaks to me.

When I got home on Monday though she did not make me dinner she cleaned the kitchen and batroom up which she is generally to lazy to do -- BUT since she did not speak to me I didn't address it --

So if I walk in and I see she has already fed my son should I say thinks for taking care of it if she still does not address me ???

Thanks for all your help !!

Sunny

[TSquared2]

She has a sitter lined up, yes? Then you need to do nothing different from your plans. It actually is how reality will be if you two separate or D, she needs to get a taste of it...the mlc'ers have all these ideas of how great things will be if only they were rid of the LBS, most are reality deficient, and all the real ramifications are NOT thought through. My W had some wild ideas, sort of funny now, but not then, oh, definitely not then...

but from what I understand she is telling people she is divorced when that absolutely is not the case

Legally? No. Emotionally and cognitively, she feels/thinks she is, so therefore, she is...

Try not to get hung up on these things, they think all sorts of things to justify what they are doing, and, though they all have a basis in reality, they amplify them to push away whatever it is they feel cognitive dissonance about.

As far as the discomfort with the non-speaking...if she were stricken with a painful, life threatening disease like cancer, how would you interpret the silence? How would you act differently? How would you THINK differently? What would you expect differently? Somewhere on this forum I read that the mlc'er IS fighting for their life internally...this helped me find patience, compassion...and better coping with MY discomfort skills, and it WAS MY discomfort I had to conquer...

This journey is going to give you the gift of self-knowledge, and opportunity to learn/grow/be your authentic self. Even though my story is still being written, I wouldn't trade this journey for one of continued "things as they were"...you could not have convinced me a year ago that I would be feeling/thinking/saying that today, though....

Though you (we) don't know what the plan is, let God do his thing, ask him for YOUR North Star and pursue that, leave W to God, he will show you when and how you need to act, if act at all, if you get your ego out of the way and listen with your quiet, "more than you" self.



T^2