Nothing. I can not stop her from talking to or seeing the other guy. She is her own person and will make her own decision and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
That is the thing. I have read stories where people went into friend mode and was there for her emotionally throughout their wives affair and others I have seen state that they are not OK with them dating and that they would not be part of their lives as long as that is going on. My head is spinning.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
Yes you can counter act it. No one said anything about "stopping" it because you're right, you can't control her actions.
You counteract her emotions by fulfilling her needs the same as the OM. You notice the OM is not forcing her to do anything. He just agrees with her and "understands" her. This is different than being just "friends" with her.
No matter what, you two share kids and share a history. You need to use that knowledge combined with her thinking now and bring out the positives.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Also, I have been validating her feeling. Last night we had a conversation about her family not aggreeing with her decision which she brought up. I told her do not listen to them they did not walk in your shoes and if they only knew what you went through they would understand.
MrBond is right, this isn't validating. Validating her emotions is neither agreeing or disagreeing with the comments themselves, but rather just sympathizing with her emotions. To give you an example, when she made the above statement you might have asked "It sounds like you're disappointed and discouraged that your family is not supporting your decision, is that how you feel?" That will encourage her to open up about her emotions and feelings which is the goal. She might come back with something like "not so much discouraged, but I am disappointed" and then you just reiterate what she told you "yes, I can tell you're disappointed, I can understand why you feel that way." What you're communicating to her is that you understand and acknowledge her feelings, and this is exactly what she wants to hear. Don't argue, don't justify, don't explain, don't elaborate. Just listen intently, make lots of eye contact, let her finish and then validate.
And as a quick warning as to why you shouldn't respond like you did, it can actually backfire on you. You told her that her family is wrong and she shouldn't listen to them. She might interpret that as you trying to drive a wedge between her and her family. She might even go back and tell her family you said that at which point they'll attack you. You just can't win with that kind of a response.
But fear not, this is all a learning process. We learn by trying, then figuring out what we did right and wrong. So don't beat yourself up over it, just learn from it
This week has been kinda wierd. Have had a little contact with my wife. Mostly about her grandma and how she is doing after her hip surgery. We also talked about our lawsuit with the house and how we should just settle to try and get some kind of relief financially for both of us since we are both struggling.
I also started a facebook account 3 days ago....i know what took me so long.....I started inviting all my friends and family and building up my friend list. I know I should not have done it but I requested friends with my wife. We have mutual friends so its not like i could not see her wall but whatever. She accepted the friendship. Then last night out of the blue she just unfriended me. I was not mad but kind of confused. Her reason was that she did not want "My" family being in her business and that if she allowed them to view her page it might make them angry and she has enough problems with her own family. She says my family never liked her and didnt want them being able to see what she is up to. My response was "i understand why you feel that way my family can sometimes be very hard to get along with". I didnt agree with her that my family hates her just they are hard to get along with......still working on the responses....
My wife is still pursueing the other guy hard. Last contact through facebook was her asking questions about the TV and how to set it up with rabbit ears so they can watch some channels. she then went on talking about her family being critical of her and telling her she is going to ruin her kids lives by leaving me. She follows this up with having another computer question but didnt want to ask through FB but instead gave him her number so he could call her. He has not called her based off the phone records and it has been 2 days.
This guy kind of seems nonchalant about the whole situation. He is not initiating conversation. Only responding to her questions. Also, this dude is completely unattractive and constantly post about what kind of alcohol he want to drink that night (once again she hates alcohol and is uncomfortable around drunk people due to her abusive alcoholic father). To the women out there is this attractive to you?
I know that I should not be snooping and it will not help the situation, part of me wants to know so I can be prepared and once she actually comes out and tells me it would make it easier for me not to react because i have been knowing for weeks now. I honestly feel sorry for her. She is so confused right now she would run into the arms of anyone that is not me. It is so true about what they say about WAW....they rationalize their decision and make the LBS a villian. Although she treats me nice sometimes, she also will completely do a 180 and go back to being standoffish and cold. She is trying so hard to keep this relationship secret from everyone but her "close friends" (friends who agree with her and have no morals when it comes to relationships). I am not sure what she fears most...that i would hurt me or make her family upset even more at her.
She is such a confusing person right now and honestly i am starting to believe in aliens because I am almost certain they abducted her and replaced her with a evil clone. She goes from asking for my help with the kids over the weekend to 1 day later changing her mind. Or she will be completely open about what she is doing to clearly hiding things from me.
I bet she wishes i would have just stayed the way i was...argumenative, judgemental, and disrespectful to her. It would make her decision so much easier. That person is so far gone and never will come back I truly am happy with the person I have become. I am friendly, personable, helpful, enjoy time wiht the kids. People at work are asking for me to go out on the weekends with them...this never happened before. my outside appearance has changes so much, I always smile, lost weight and am looking good, built up some muscles, run 3+ miles 4+ days a week (i could not run 10 feet before without being winded). I find humor in my situation....It is so bad that it actually is funny...i work 70+ hours a week to make ends meet, my wife hates me and is pursuing another man, people i thought were friends now dont want anything to do with me...it really is a terrible situation but if you let all that get to you it just makes you a misserable person so i choose to find humor in this all and laugh about it. I also look at the positives instead of harping on the negatives.
Next DB coach session is this tuesday....i have alot to talk about the Laurie...
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
After typing that out it all clicked....either this guy is not into my wife...by the way my wife is both physically attractive and has a fun personality... or he is a freaking genious.....by not pursuing he is being pursued and it does not matter how unattractive he is... his lack of pursuit is making him desireable......
Or it could be my wife left her husband (his wife left him), she has 3 kids that are 6, 3, 2. Her mom is a permanant part of the family and will always live with her till she is dead or in a nursing home which is a long ways away. That is alot of baggage to undertake right after going through your own devorce....who knows....
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
Ugg just found out my wife is trying to plan a play date with this dudes kids and my kids from her Facebook messages. We have been separated for almost 3 months and she is doing this. They are not even dating....he still to this day has not called her. She is still the one initiating the contact. Is it just me or is bringing my 6, 3, and 1 year old kids around this guy and his kids inappropriate? Is this common for spouse who walk away from a marriage. I don't even know how to confront her about this because she will know how I found out. And yet again I find myself feeling sorry for her and not angry. How could this even be remotely ok to do in her mind? My wife is a social worker.... A child therapist to boot who deals with kids that go through devorces on a weekly basis and see how this crap traumatizes them. And she is not dumb she has a masters degree and passed the test to be a licensed socialworker. I am telling you aliens took my wife and replaced her with what I see now.
Oh and I also found out the last of my pictures were taken down and wedding stuff taken out of our display case.... Guess she does not want new guy to see this stuff........
I can wait till Tuesday when I talk to my DB coach.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
Right now she sees the OM as plan B. She is attracted to the fact that he has kids (which means he's responsible, etc.). Start rebuilding your own private life so you're not so concentrated on hers.
In her mind she's going to say that it's "okay" because you're separated and they're "just friends". Load of BS.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
