Weekend was good and bad ( clearly there was some bad since I am up at 3:30am unable to sleep). The good was the zoo was great. Me and the kids had so much fun. I took on 3 kids by myself and had zero problems. We went and ate afterwards and played for little bit in the backyard after I dropped them off.
The bad..... Well my fears about this other guy are confirmed. Someone i know overheard conversation with my wife and her friend talking about dating during a separation. She even went to a priest in our church and asked about dating and sex during a separation leading to divorce. Basically he said dating was ok just not sex ( we are catholic). She didn't like his answer because she is a adult and it would make dating difficult. She went on to talk about this other guy. Nothing has happened and they just talk after church but she wishes he would ask her out and is even thinking about inviting him to my youngest kids party in nov. she talked about how he is always doing things and keeps busy and seems like a fun person to be around.
I am not sure what to do at this point. I have been bending over backward for her. Basically doormat mode. Paying her tv bill, having joint bills because it is cheaper for her. If she needs something done i have taken the initiative and did it.... Like fix stuff around the house, cut grass, pick stuff up at the store for her, etc. I do make her initiate conversation and rarely ever call her unless I need to but I can clearly see what I am doing is not working.
I was wondering why it went from we have a chance to no chance at all. Looking back her doubts about reconciling it started when I first found out about this other guy. I am lost and need help because right now we get along and it is nice but feel like I am being used.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
The joint bills was something i agreed too when we first separated and some of them I cant get rid of but the others I can. as for doing things for her...i was doing the 180 where i was being there for her since i wasnt there for her during the marriage. That and her love language is act of service. Also, my coach agreed that I should help around if she was willing to let me but that was before this all came to light.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
So I have a question about this OM. What should I do because I intercepted an email sent from her FB account talking about our marriage to this guy.
W: "Thanks, it's good to know that I am not the only person that struggles with the Church's stance. I spent nine years in a marriage that should of never happened due to the fear of being a "sinner". I finally got the courage to leave and now I feel that I am on trial-even after a year of therapy through the church. Have fun at the concert."
Wife did not go through a year of therapy from the church she went to 2-3 session one with me in it.
OM: "Don't let the church guilt you. Be a good person and god will know. My opinion anyhow. If anybody give you any grief or "looks", you give it back."
W: "Thanks, I agree Have a fun weekend; see you Sunday."
My wife said she didnt want me to go to church because it felt weird with me being there but really she was chatting it up with this guy.
Like i said before nothing has happened yet as in dating. But these FB messages are getting deeper and it will lead to something. Should I comfront her about my stance on dating while we are separate....not ask her about the other guy just state that I am not OK with either of us dating and that if there is another many that i will not be part of her life and he will not be allowed around the kids. Or should I just keep my mouth shut?
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
Also, I have been validating her feeling. Last night we had a conversation about her family not aggreeing with her decision which she brought up. I told her do not listen to them they did not walk in your shoes and if they only knew what you went through they would understand.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
So apparently I am bad at this because I thought by sympathising with her I was validating how she feels. So leason for the day do not condone her actions.
As for the dating while being separated. She has got it in her head that it is OK to date. Partically because my stupid therapist suggested we eventially start dating other people. And for some reason the priest at our church said it was OK to date which for some reason I do not believe. I dont want this to get any further than it already is. I know I can not control what she does but I also have not stated how I felt about us dating other people. I even asked the lawyer when we started this whole separation process about us dating other people and he said this is not a get out of jail free card and if either one of us dates or brings the OM/OW around the kids before the divorce he needs to know so he can prepare for it.
That is why I am torn....say something and piss her off or continue to shut my mouth. Both senarios will probably end in her dating the dude anyways.
M:30 W:31 D:6&1 S:3 Married 9 years 8/8/2012 ILYBNILWY Bomb Dropped: July 2012 Legally Separated: 8/3/2012
Again, you can be compassionate and understand about HOW she feels and WHAT got her to that point. But you don't have to encourage or agree with her actions.
Right now she's getting emotionally attached to the guy. So what can you do to counteract that?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
