So why do I kind of feel wrong, scared, anxious, etc about going upstairs where wife is, grabbing some nice clothes out of the closet and going out? Not that I really have anywhere to go, just want her to wonder.
I have no idea AML. Just do it - but for YOURSELF not to make her wonder.
Did you think any on what I asked you at the end of your last thread?
What GAL activities are you planning for your Self this week?
You've got to start detaching from this - you're mind is getting stuck in the same groove
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
So I have a new post. 100 posts came fast. . I think I need to go with a different direction because I have done a lot of soul searching the past few days. MY APOLOGIES UP FRONT, this will probably be a longggg post, so if you are so inclined to read it, I would greatly appreciate it. Up until now, I have been pretty much an ass! I have been on this huge "pity party" trip for myself. Everyday its been, "woooo is me" or "what’s wrong with my W" or "She is to blame", blah blah blah. That’s pretty much BS! For the past year plus, she has just treated me the way I treated her for the past ten! I am in no way saying that I am 100% to blame for our marriage's demise! She does play a part, its just not as big as what I would like to believe. Yes, I have busted my a$$ to give my wife what I thought she wanted. I just missed all the signs and never respected her enough to LISTEN!
Up until now, I have been inadvertently lying to everyone on this board. I am sorry for that. Everyone here has been trying to help me, without me helping myself! I was seeing my side of this situation and putting it down on paper(well computer) like it was the gospel! Writing about how I was the greatest father, a good husband, overworked, underpaid,...the list goes on and on. All of it was pretty much crap! Now, I am a good father, but not great. But truth told, I have been a selfish prick of a husband. Since the rekindling in April until the last Bomb, and all the years before that! If I were put in the same situation as my wife, I would have left my A$$ too and never looked back.
Truth be told, I married an imperfect woman. We all married someone imperfect. I married a demanding woman. We all married someone demanding. I married someone riddled with flaws. Again we all did! But I married a woman that I loved. I married a woman that was truly my best friend. I married a woman that everytime I look into her eyes, I feel peace! I married someone that I wanted to make the happiest person in the world and had all the greatest (more like wrong-ist) intentions. I MARRIED A WOMEN I LOVED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, I just failed at showing it! So, I don’t blame her a bit for leaving, not wanting to be married to me, not loving me anymore in a “married” kind of way.
So here is the truth! I married my wife while on the most demanding duty the Marine Corps had to offer. I swooped in, told her what I was and made her fall in love with me. I fell in love with her and her daughter almost instantly. We dated long distantly for a few months. Every night we would talk for HOURS! Almost every weekend, one of us would drive the 2 ½ hours to spend the night with each other. This went on for a few months and I finally proposed in her parents driveway. The truth of the matter is, I proposed because I truly loved her and wanted to make her my wife, but also because she had a male friend of hers staying with her for a few days and I was extremely jealous. Being from the south and still believing in manners, I also asked her mother and Step father for permission. Clichéd but it felt right. They of course were excited and we
When she moved in with me, I could not get enough of her! We spent as much time as possible together. I assumed the father role pretty quick which partly scared the “S” out of me, but I loved this little girl so much! Time went on and I became enthralled in my work. I wanted to be the best, to get promoted, to provide more and more and more. So I spent more time at work. And more time and more and more!!!! Tension started to rise but we were still in love. About the time that I think that we were both tired of each other, we got pregnant with my first S. I was scared S-less. But growing up with a POS father myself, I promised to give my family everything I could. I did not have role models as a kid when it came to being a man. I was raised by a single mother that worked two jobs to raise my brother and I. She was my fatherly role model. We didn’t really have anything and I was NOT going to let my children and wife feel the same pain as I. Anyway, we stayed together and things got better. I thought my wife was the most beautiful women in the world thought the pregnancy. I was home more than usual and I could not keep my hands off of her. We made love constantly. I think she felt love then. Again, I did work a lot but I made every effort to be home, for the first little bit. There did come a time where work and home life was very stressful. I would get beat up at work, then turn around and got beat up at home. All verbally of course. So instead of setting goals and actually communicating with my fiancée at the time, I did what most immature a-holes do, I went to the bar. At the bar, no one judged me. I could sit there without hearing the nagging of work and home. I would get home late, smelling of booze and cigarettes, hear the nagging and it would start over! Finally somewhere along the way, one of us caved…or maybe both, but some kind of non verbal agreement was reached, but neither of us was happy! So moves happen, and life happens. One of my most enjoyable things to do was to work on and build jeeps. I loved it. From when I was a single person years before I met my wife, this was my hobby. I built Rock Crawlers but I had to give it up because of my assignment at the time. My W knew I could not wait to get back to the “Fleet Marine Force” where I could do this again. Just before we left NY, where I was assigned, we found out that we were expecting our 3rd child.
Move on to the next chapter. Stationed in South Carolina. I had been stationed here previously before I meet my W. I still had many friends here and THEY became to forethought of my time. I had previously “dreamed” with my wife in NY where we were prior to the move, about having hobbies again. Oh how I missed having things to tinker with. Things to do. Things of enjoyment! WTF was I thinking? I had my ENJOTMENT all along. I CHOSE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE. I chose to look at my hobbies as my ENJOYMEN. This new found freedom of doing the things that BOBBY wanted. I was good at it. I made it work.. I was so good, friends of friends had me build or repair their Jeeps. I spent every waking hour that I had away from work doing my “hobbies”. Meanwhile, my wife, the one I had promised the world to was stuck in the house with a 4 year old, newborn and a raging set of hormones from our 3rd bun in the oven. So again, time went on, we bought oour first home together. Our 3rd child was born and I again started working my a$$ off trying to make the house a home. I worked for the Marine Corps at nights so there was extra time to find a part time job to make more money. I started working full time for a tree cutting service to make more money to provide for my family. My day started at around 5 am. I would go cut trees, drag brush, chip brush, whatever the job entailed until around 2. I would leave, go straight to my “Marine Corps job” and work until whenever. I would do this every day during the week. Come the weekend, I was either working outside around our new home, or off hanging with friends or working on my hobbies. All the while, the wife was stuck in the house with now a 5 yo, 1 yo and a new born. Then I received orders to Iraq. To say the least, I left my already starving wife to go serve in a combat zone. This was of course not my decision, but I did it with no remorse of how she felt. I just new, in good “old Time” fashion that she would be there when I got home ( maybe to many John Wayne Movies!). We corresponded as much as possible on the deployment, but I still “abandoned her emotionally. After my return, I picked right back up where I left off.
I revieved orders to Okinawa Japan not long after my return. I was shocked. I had wanted to go ever for one year unaccompanied (without wife and kids) so I would be able to return to SC after my tout. We decided that it would be better if we went as a family for a 3 year accompanied tour. So we went, rented our home in SC and life continued. Life began in Okinawa again, better than before, simply because I had no friends or hobbies to consume me. I was “forced” to stay at home more. My mood of course changed because of this. Instead of enjoying the new culture, I bitched and nagged about doing anything. I became kind of a home body and a work body. When not at work, I was home and wanted to stay there. Going any where was considered a chore. We were surrounded by beautiful beaches and exotic foods, but all I could think about was MEEEEEE! I again became inundated with work. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. I had also started college so I knew I HAD TO DO HOMEWORK! B.S excuse for hanging out online, downloading music, surfing the internet, then throwing a paper together and getting an A or B. Yay for me and again WOOOOOO is me. Im tired. All the while, my wife, who still loved me, home schooled the kids, cooked, cleaned, everything! Needless to say, for whatever reason she hadn’t left me yet, we extended in Okinawa for another 3 years, had out 4th child and everything stayed the same. The trend just kept going. Now I must step in and say my intent, while stupidly off, was to be the best Marine possible and get promoted. I have successfully done that throughout my career. I have successfully been promoted throughout my career about 3-4years ahead of my peers. I was the youngest Marine in my MOS (military Occupational Specialty) to get promoted to the rank of Master Sergeant. Not bragging, especially now that I know how F’n irrelevant it really is!!!
So we were due for orders to move. The wife and I discussed our options and chose to come to VA. Needless to say the trend stayed about the same. I spent a lot of time at work. Deployed (very small deployments-1 week at a time) a lot. When I was home I wanted to stay home. I wanted to hang out with neighborhood friends, have parties, do what ever, just not totally making myself available to wife. She had mentioned me reading a book called the “5 Love Languages” years before I think, but like most things she hinted about, I shunned it off! Boy was that a mistake. Her LL was of course physical Touch and this was something I had LONG neglected. She also needed “Quality Time” but for me that was setting with her on the couch while our favorite shows were on. While whe was needing interaction, I was busy with my face in a computer screen, either working, researching a home project, etc!. Then my world came crashing down!
In Feb 2011, I left to go one another deployment overseas. Kind of the run of the mill stuff, We said our goodbyes, I left, Called every couple of days, etc. Things were the norm. I got back from the “trip” to having guests arrive a couple days later. We feverously worked to get the house in order so we could provide a clean, comfortable place for our guests. While the guests were here at our home, something happened that changed the course of my existence! The Husband guest laid his hands on the Wife guests lap! HOW DARE HE SHOW AFFECTION!!!! This according to my W was the breaking point for her. We continued that visit, followed on by another Friend Couple visit and life was back to normal, so I thought. The W mentioned that she wanted to go visit her brother for a week or so around 2 weeks after the friend visitors left. I said, no problem and sent her on the way. Little did I know this was the start of the “FALL”
W went on her trip and I took time off to tend with the Kids. While she was gone, she called, we spoke briefly but I was clueless of what was actually taking place. When she returned, I went back to work like normal. A couple days later when I came home, I found a sobbing wife in the MBR that dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb!!! WTF!! The emotions starting pinging. I went from mad and angry to sad and crying, begging, pleading, everything! I was a wreck for the next couple of months. I was clingy and smothered her. She made numerous trips back and forth to NY and CT and in June or July of 2011, announced that she would be moving to CT. So long and short of it, She moved out of our home in Aug 2011. I helped her move and tried to be supportive, While she was gone, I was a wreck. I would still cry, beg, plead. Then some days I was a scorned A-hole. Rollercoaster from hell. She would come home every few weeks to see the kids. I am sure she was lost and confused at the time, but all I could do was think “poor little me” How DARE she do this! What an a$$ I really was.
In Feb 2012, she decided for some reason that she missed me and wanted to return home to be with me. She came back and I continued my jack-assery. I continued to ignore her and her needs. I thought she was here to stay. I was a little better than before, but not a lot. Everything was still about my needs. My feelings. My hurts. ME ME ME. I would get jealous when she wanted to go out with friends instead of hanging out with me in a loveless house. How Dare She!!! When she wanted to go anywhere, I was jealous. When she was on the computer, I was jealous. Again, all about me……
So its no real wonder that I got the “This is not going to work” speech. Again, how dare she! What about my feeling. What about my this and my that. Again, what an a$$ I am! This time I didn’t beg, I didn’t lead. I simply began the DB techniques. Detach, be in good spirits, do some 180s. It was all fake. How can I really do 180s when I am lying to everyone, including myself.
So, to sum it up, this failure in my marriage is about 99% my fault. Not my Ws. I drove her away because I refused to respect her. I refused to LOVE her. I refused to see the signs that I was destroying her on the inside. She didn’t abandon me when she moved out Aug 2011. I abandoned her SEVERAL years ago. That’s the story. I expected her to meet my needs with not so much as a care on my part to meet hers. She is cold to me because I was the Artic with her. She doesn’t Love me anymore because I failed to love her! I was a great provider, but a great provider for the wrong things. I took her desperate pleas for me to change as a defamatory poke at me as a person, Again how dare she. I acted as if I was the greatest father and husband in the world, but I wasn’t. Nowhere close. I
I know that I have pretty much ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will probably never win her back. I have to accept this now. I will not take this out on her anymore because its not her fault. I will not withhold things from her because she deserves more. She deserves love. She deserves respect. She deserves affection. She deserves someone that will appreciate her, love her, kiss her…. I wish it could be me, but I am sure that it will never be me. I have lost the battle and the war. While I will continue with everything in me to win her back, to actually do REAL 180s, to actually change me, I will be accepting of the fact that she has moved on. I must support her because I Love my Wife. I want her to be the happiest woman in the world, with or without me! Period!
Wow AML! You've certainly been doing some soul searching. I'm sure it was hard to write all that out. When I look back on my behaviour, I too can recognise how I didn't cherish the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with & took him for granted.
So what are your 180s? GAL plans? I'm sure some vets will help...
Hello again AML. I'm sorry for that quick reply, it was done from my phone. Don't feel bad about the "pity party", we have all been there and you may throw your Self another one in the future, i tend to have one every couple of months!
And it's always easier to hold a flashlight than a mirror but you have done it now and own your part in what's happened. BRAVO, that's one of the hardest things to do but it enables us to identify the parts we would like to improve on in ourselves.
I also suspect that you worked hard in your job to provide for your family so well done on all the promotions etc.
You just took your eye off what meant the most to you and we never know what we have truly until it's gone or nearly out the door.
I took not only my H for granted but my Marriage as well. I made decisions based on what was good for me. My 180 is that there are 3 entities in my marriage - me, h and the relationship and if what I am about to do is not good for all 3 of us then I'm not doing it.
Keep posting here YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This community is here to support you in becoming the best AML you can be and hopefully the person your W wants to stay with but regardless of the outcome you will be a better AML.
Go visit other threads, you'll find people in the same state as you. Many Ws are out of the house. Yours is still there so you have a chance to make the changes right in front of her but you have to do them for YOU!
Tumbling, Thanks so much for taking the time to read. It feels great to finally tell the real story but feels horrible at the same time. I am coming up with my new goals and plan for GAL now. I will post soon.
I can so relate to how you felt fake doing the GAL. I felt the same way, I felt like I was doing it to show my H. But...he couldn't see it cuz he moved out, and when I could finally meet up with him, all the fake "new" me just couldn't hold. We just really have to come to the really do it for ourselves....so ideal, i'm still working on it. I hope you can figure it out yourself too!
Thanks so much for your reply and words. I wish you the best with everything. I feel that I have been given a great opportunity. An opportunity that unfortunately most on here do not have. My wife is still at home. We still get along. We can still laugh and joke with each other. Yes, I am still trying to detach as much as I can. But now, this is a true detachment for me. Its not for her. It is not to see if she will find me when I am somewhere in the house. It is for me to focus on me.
I know that its probably "taboo" in terms of the DB journey, but yesterday when I got home, I asked my wife if I could talk to her. I told her pretty much a brief synopsis of my above awakening. I told her that for the first time, I was sorry. Sorry for what I did to her and what I didnt do for her. I told her I didn't blame her for leaving and I would have done the same thing. I also thanked her for sticking around long enough to give me the 4 most wonderful children in the world. I know that she was on edge when I asked to speak with her, because she always is when the "R" talk starts. Its hard telling which me she will get. I assured her that this was not in any way me trying to win her back. In fact, I told her that I know deep down I have lost her for good in our marriage. I told her I accept that now, and as much as it is not what I want, I understood and supported her and her decision.
While we talked, I off course got teary eyed. She did as well. I know how confused she must really be because I am sure there is a part of her that wants to remain married, but its probably a very small piece. I am sure she will not let this piece grow larger because of the rollercoaster ride that i have put her through. Again, I know this and I accept this. I do however know that there is a chance at making this work. Again, she is still at home and we both agree that neither of us are leaving anytime soon and we are good with that. Before, I did NOT want to live as roommates. At this point, I will take what I can get.
