I fear today's update will sound like a broken record, so I'll try to keep it brief... But I'll start with a little story:
My dreams over the last few nights have been awfully cruel to me. Since I've been working out and taking a slew of new supplements, I've had quite a few vivid dreams, which are easy to remember for days after they pass.
Well the last couple days, my subconscious brain has tortured me with dreamscapes where W and I are together again... in a not too distant future... and holy holy are we happy. Just doing banal things, vacationing, hanging at the dog park, shopping for groceries... Not exactly the stuff of Xanadu dreams...
Two mornings in a row, for the first 3 or 4 seconds upon waking, I look for W... but she's not there... her pillow hasn't moved in months... and I'm back to my reality.
This story, unfortunately a true one, will probably ring in a bunch of our heads... Maybe not the actual circumstances of dreaming and waking... but in the awful pendulum swinging that occurs when we have contact with our WAS after a period of darkness...
No matter if the conversation goes well or erupts in flames... the next day (or two or three or four...) one thing is abundantly clear (for those of us who still need to work on our detachment)... It's the absence. Being reminded of the things you're fighting for (or against) is rough, hearing their voice... their cadence... the weird way they say that one word or the way they tuck their hair behind their ear... Being reminded of the little things, if only for a minute or two, is often enough to echo in our minds for days...weeks... I know it's natural, and I know it hurts... damn I know it hurts... but it's a good kind of hurt.
It's a cleansing kind of hurt... One that will hopefully drive the next step in the changing process that I know I need to go through... Clearly with the level of pain I'm feeling today... with the almost overwhelming urge to reach out in some way (Which I won't... I promise ) I know I'm not ready to take the next step TOWARD a R... I've got more healing to do... more self discovery to do... I've got to take that next step toward becoming a better person instead of just wallowing in this self-pity and torture.
So yeah... It's been a very tough go since she's left again... and yeah, I want overwhelmingly to hear from her again... like yesterday... but I can't control her... hell, I'm having a hard time controlling ME these last couple days
But I think I can take that next step toward becoming a better person... My W might not know this, but our conversations have helped me get some clarity on a few new 180s I need to work on... on a few more things that will make me better...
And I don't know why I keep having a hard time remembering that when she said "You've given me a lot to think about... Thank you for that..." It wasn't a bad thing.
Can't say it was a good thing either... Only that it was... a thing.
And I'll be damned if there aren't at least a few moments a day that I can look through all this smoke and all this fire... and see a bright future...
For Me...
And for a few moments a day, no matter how dire it seems... for us too...
) I know I'm not ready to take the next step TOWARD a R... I've got more healing to do... more self discovery to do... I've got to take that next step toward becoming a better person instead of just wallowing in this self-pity and torture.
