Wanker d-bag, no less. And we still can't talk about what vacuum cleaners do!
Aside from that, J3B's approach is far more logical than the gut reaction to protect ourselves. It takes a lot of work to rebuild trust. An amount that sometimes seems unfathomable to me.
I'm also dealing with the trust issues. My H was a very honest, loyal human being. Makes it very hard to let anyone in again. Huge risks are involved every time.
But, yes, you rebuild and hopefully something beautiful comes from it. Like a R far better than we ever dreamed with someone else.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Thank you for your post. You are right and practical and right. Its a very uncontrolled emotion and failure of logic to apply my trust issues with H to anyone else...male or female for that matter.
When i really think about it, I still do trust people that have stayed around me, male and female...but i am still a lot more closed off than i used to be.
What about direct trust issues with H though? Remember when you said to do things for the right reasons. Not because I want to provoke a reaction out of him, or hurt him, etc. When H is nice, which is becoming more consistent when we speak (although we don't speak often), i get freaked out. I immediately, 'what does he want from me'. So i close up. To protect myself. How is that being genuine, when i am afraid to be genuine to who I am and want to be?
And j3b, i do not think women on this board have any issues of trust when it come to your wisdom, support and advice :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi SD, I am warm and snug on the blanket. Hope you are doing well too? Damn trust issues....
:-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
So today i finally asked H about Winter break. I asked him from a financial point of view. Made it clear i was speaking for me and the kids..i did not want him to think i was overtly or covertly trying to get him to join us, commit or even consider that I was hoping he might join us. No pressure, no expectations, He knows where we will be and if he wants to join I am sure he does not need an invite from me.
Do you think thats ok? Or should I have said something like 'i don't know what you are thinking of doing, but of course join us if you want' ??
Sometimes i feel i pull away too much and stop shooing any sign of keeping the road home smooth and paved....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
So today i finally asked H about Winter break. I asked him from a financial point of view. Made it clear i was speaking for me and the kids..i did not want him to think i was overtly or covertly trying to get him to join us, commit or even consider that I was hoping he might join us. No pressure, no expectations, He knows where we will be and if he wants to join I am sure he does not need an invite from me.
Do you think thats ok? Or should I have said something like 'i don't know what you are thinking of doing, but of course join us if you want' ??
Sometimes i feel i pull away too much and stop shooing any sign of keeping the road home smooth and paved....
You did well communicating your plans to your H. There is no need to go beyond that right now. Keep the road home smooth, but don't be his navigator.
You aren't "shooing" him away. It isn't about him. It is about living your life with your children. Live it up Busting.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I just caught up with your posts and wanted to show some support for what you are going thru.
I understand you all about the trust issue with H. I have been having issues since we started dealing with D-specific things. I have read here and learned from friends that when D process really gets going, both parties don't trust each other and it can cause a lot more grief and pain than necessary. So I am trying to focus on me, my intentions and forget about what H's intentions or actions can and will be. As long as I am acting in a way that is right for me and the kids, I need to be at peace with that.
Detaching also helps not worry about H, his thoughts and his motivations for when and if he is nice to me. So when I am doing well at detaching, I struggle less with this. Also having no expectations is huge - if H is nice, great - then there is no drama for me. If he is not nice, well, then it's not new either.
I also love what J3B posted - we cannot give our spouses that much power over us to make us not trust other people. I will have to keep that in mind because like you have all said, I also at this point don't see myself trusting someone with my heart again.
As for your convo with H re. winter break, you did fine. I know it's easy to over think what we say and question if we did the right thing, but that is also not healthy. I tend to do that as well and need to do a better job at not doubting my every interaction with him. Goes back to the same - detachment, no expectations, focusing on myself... Gosh, I have it memorized so well, now if I could only put it in practice 24/7...
(((((busting))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
i thought you handled the winter break conversation quite well. he is seeing that you are continuing to live your life and doing well, that is good, i think.
perhaps it will take the pressure off of him to allow him to honestly consider his choices. (and realize what a fool he is being )
as it relates to trust in the future... i was just thinking that though we have had this wound and its impact on trust... we also have learned to be AWARE... and so that instead of responding blindly to future situations where trust is involved... we will know what is happening and that awareness will give us the ability to sit with the feelings and make a different choice..
at least that is what i am hoping happens
i hope that you are so proud of your growth and strength bc it is there, we see it!! love ya, busting... (((((((( )))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
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