Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

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I am trying to grasp everything you said. One thing that stands out is “the timing.” I agree, this “might” be the right time.---

Denver, 25, Starsky, Mr Bond, Arsene, Suppo, Bug, AT, Carnac, Accuray, etc…What an amazing group!!!!!! Talk about amazing people. I know I am far from my goal but I HIGHLY doubt I would be at this point without all of you. I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life. The conviction all of you have for marriage is absoulutly amazing. The time and effort you put into helping us out is profound. I hope all of you know how much it means to me. This is such deep sh!t were dealing with.

So many people just throw in the towel and so many LBS’s just accept what’s happened to them. What makes us different, what makes us fighters? What makes us stand for our marriage? Is there a reason that we put our blood sweat and tears into this? I know why I do it. I love my W, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, my family is the most important thing in my life. My conviction is so strong.

Great, so remember these words^^^^ next time you get frustrated again. Seriously. They are YOUR words so keep them close to you and

bring them out when your "friends" tell you to give up.



Yes, I always second guess myself. I see my friends hooking up, they tell me to move on, they say I will find love again but I truly don’t think its my time yet.


Hey, no offense as I don't mean this to be a 2x4,

but do those "friends" know that

you cheated on your w while she was pregnant?


Did they tell HER to move on back then? Did they tell HER she'd find "true love" elsewhere?

My guess is she did not share your betrayal with them...
So maybe they need to STFU, (or maybe you can tell them to, OR share some real insights/history with them.)

Don't make her out to be the bad guy here.

For one thing, it's not fair and second, it does not help you two to reconcile. Your friends will let their own fears of what THEY might face cloud your judgement, or let your wounded ego make the choices instead of a man who is trying to keep his family together.

Those "friends" are not helpful to you or your marriage.


Third, You admit and I agree, your m was in rough shape for a LONG time before she made this move. It's not the same as the affair you had when she was pregnant and "things were good" but you cheated anyhow. And she forgave you. THAT has to have been the hardest thing for any woman to do. Cheating on a pregnant woman is something some women cannot get past, but she did. I'm impressed.

And the sep has not been easy on her. It's no picnic w/any "cake eating" on her end that I can see.

I see a sitch with hope.

I also think financial security is HUGE to women with children.

When men/women were surveyed for what they MOST value in their spouses, men said


an "attracive wife" (sexually appealing) and "peace in the home" (which most interpret to mean warm reception and little nagging.)

Women said "Security" (meaning physical safety AND financial safety. Like the man would investigate the noise downstairs in the dark, not her. And if he were to "go out of the cave to get food", he would return with some. IOW the bills are getting paid and the home is not going to be lost.

Second, women valued "Fidelity" the most. That is self explanatory.

NOT to bash you but to remind you of how you got here, Rough, you let her down on both fronts. But she worked it out for years and stuck it out with you anyhow. Maybe I missed something, but in MY eyes, from where I sit,

I see a woman who deeply loved her h, for a long time, even when he broke her heart, and then let her down again. Her needs were not met for years but still, she stayed.

You said the sex life was "pathetic and she needed booze to ML".

This did not strike you as something that screamed out for a solution. It's a red flag, btw.

Anyhow, you also never answered my questions about exploring that. That's a big thing. So,

What will be different there, if you reconcile?

What else will be better/different if you stay married?

IN short, she'll only return if she thinks marriage to you can be better/different than before.

So how are you showing her that it will be better/different than before?

What is NEW in how you'll deal with those things?





Theres a reason why I am suppose to be fighting for my W. I know my W is an amazing women and it takes a lot of courage for ALL OF US to overcome their infidelity, to truly forgive and still stand for our marriage. God Bless!


Um, are you talking about HER forgiving you for your infidelity, right?

To me she's just been very lonely and sad and wanted more from the m. And when there was no financial security to boot, on top of the other stuff in your history, the last reason for holding on, began to fade.

Like I said, Maybe I missed something or confused you with another couple.

Have you read the Five Love Languages? It's a great book that I recommend for all couples

but especially couples w/communication issues like you two have.

Like I said, I see hope in your situation IF you can show her that things can be different.

Get those tools for change in the m.

There are far too many resources available now, for anyone to just say "I don't know what to do differently"...

Get those resources and use them. Learn new ways of communicating. It's not just a surface issue, it is key.

Have you discussed the marriage retreat known as "Retrovaille" or the workshop for individuals, called "Essential Experience"?

(EE is mostly in Philadelphia, but Retrovaille, which is for couples in crisis, is all over)

you have a better chance than most who arrive here. Make the most of it.

Keep those idiot "friends" of yours quiet OR inform them of what really happened. I suspect they'll respect your w a lot more for her stance AND they'll root for you both a lot more.