Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[Denver_2010]

Thanks a lot Rough. Yeah, that still stings. She was my best friend for just short of 15 years. And she never left me or had a midlife crisis!

I appreciate it...

[roughenough]

Take it one day at a time, right? That’s all we can do, just keeping putting one foot in front of the other. Ha, a funny thought just popped in my head. I was mowing my lawn yesterday and I saw this lady running down the street chasing her wiener dog, he had escaped and I was rooting for him in some sick and twisted kind of way was, he was just haulin as@!!! , I was like, keep cruising fido, and then I started singing a song out loud, it went something like,

“Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving”

[25yearsmlc]

I am REALLY kicking myself. I have gone over our brief interaction over and over in my head. I had an opportunity, I am glad I got a couple things out in the open but at the same time I didn’t get much from W. I know Ive already posted about this but I cant get the part when W said “things are tough.” THAT was my opportunity! I said “I understand” and that stopped me from getting her to express her feelings. Just a simple “what part about things is tough?” would have made a world of difference. Can I ask her what she meant by that or is it late to go back and ask her?

it's pretty rare for ONE interaction to decide a marriages' outcome. So don't keep sweating it.

Saying "what part is hard" is NOT what I'd suggest. That MIGHT mean you don't know of any part that might be hard. That might be annoying to her.

So, ask for more info w/words like "Can you tell me more?"

Don't assign belief/disbelief or value or negative connotations to what she's saying.

Just get more information. Then re-cap what she says so you know you got it right and SHE knows you cared enough to get it right. If she corrects your re-cap then you know you avoided a misunderstanding.

If she says you did hear her correctly, she'll have to "own" what she says and still know you valued her input enough to be accurate about it.

She'll feel listened to. That often means she'll feel loved.

Give that "new you" time to sink in with her.

She won't believe it at first and

only time, plus your consistent changes, will convince her otherwise.

[roughenough]

Two interactions, a slow start to communicating with W again. Communicating in a new way, a better way. Thanks a lot 25! “She’ll feel listened to, that often means she’ll feel loved.” Good stuff. I’ve been practicing validating a lot. After I spoke with W, you wrote a post that was very hard for me to digest. I was p!ssed at you 25 but I am sooooo glad you hit me with a 2x4. I can’t wait to do more validating. I meet with my IC tomorrow which should be good. I am a “nice guy” and I've come to learn it’s EXTREMLY problematic so were going to address some of that stuff.

I see why Denver said to tread carefully. Those rays of sunshine give us hope but I have to be careful with that hope. No expectations, I don’t want to get my hopes up, I just can’t or I will be setting myself up for devastation! It sure doesn't take much for us to get our hopes up though.

Here’s a list of some of the things I need to tackle. I don’t think I will tackle them with full speed thought, I am still unwinding from the last couple days, time for me to take a breather for just a bit.

Work on my conflict avoidance issues.
Work on setting boundaries.
Tread carefully with W, slowly, deliberate and sincere.
Remember to validate.
Work on financial stability.
Build my self-confidence.
Work on my needs.

_________________________________
Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[25yearsmlc]

--

I am trying to grasp everything you said. One thing that stands out is “the timing.” I agree, this “might” be the right time.---

Denver, 25, Starsky, Mr Bond, Arsene, Suppo, Bug, AT, Carnac, Accuray, etc…What an amazing group!!!!!! Talk about amazing people. I know I am far from my goal but I HIGHLY doubt I would be at this point without all of you. I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life. The conviction all of you have for marriage is absoulutly amazing. The time and effort you put into helping us out is profound. I hope all of you know how much it means to me. This is such deep sh!t were dealing with.

So many people just throw in the towel and so many LBS’s just accept what’s happened to them. What makes us different, what makes us fighters? What makes us stand for our marriage? Is there a reason that we put our blood sweat and tears into this? I know why I do it. I love my W, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, my family is the most important thing in my life. My conviction is so strong.

Great, so remember these words^^^^ next time you get frustrated again. Seriously. They are YOUR words so keep them close to you and

bring them out when your "friends" tell you to give up.



Yes, I always second guess myself. I see my friends hooking up, they tell me to move on, they say I will find love again but I truly don’t think its my time yet.


Hey, no offense as I don't mean this to be a 2x4,

but do those "friends" know that

you cheated on your w while she was pregnant?


Did they tell HER to move on back then? Did they tell HER she'd find "true love" elsewhere?

My guess is she did not share your betrayal with them...
So maybe they need to STFU, (or maybe you can tell them to, OR share some real insights/history with them.)

Don't make her out to be the bad guy here.

For one thing, it's not fair and second, it does not help you two to reconcile. Your friends will let their own fears of what THEY might face cloud your judgement, or let your wounded ego make the choices instead of a man who is trying to keep his family together.

Those "friends" are not helpful to you or your marriage.


Third, You admit and I agree, your m was in rough shape for a LONG time before she made this move. It's not the same as the affair you had when she was pregnant and "things were good" but you cheated anyhow. And she forgave you. THAT has to have been the hardest thing for any woman to do. Cheating on a pregnant woman is something some women cannot get past, but she did. I'm impressed.

And the sep has not been easy on her. It's no picnic w/any "cake eating" on her end that I can see.

I see a sitch with hope.

I also think financial security is HUGE to women with children.

When men/women were surveyed for what they MOST value in their spouses, men said


an "attracive wife" (sexually appealing) and "peace in the home" (which most interpret to mean warm reception and little nagging.)

Women said "Security" (meaning physical safety AND financial safety. Like the man would investigate the noise downstairs in the dark, not her. And if he were to "go out of the cave to get food", he would return with some. IOW the bills are getting paid and the home is not going to be lost.

Second, women valued "Fidelity" the most. That is self explanatory.

NOT to bash you but to remind you of how you got here, Rough, you let her down on both fronts. But she worked it out for years and stuck it out with you anyhow. Maybe I missed something, but in MY eyes, from where I sit,

I see a woman who deeply loved her h, for a long time, even when he broke her heart, and then let her down again. Her needs were not met for years but still, she stayed.

You said the sex life was "pathetic and she needed booze to ML".

This did not strike you as something that screamed out for a solution. It's a red flag, btw.

Anyhow, you also never answered my questions about exploring that. That's a big thing. So,

What will be different there, if you reconcile?

What else will be better/different if you stay married?

IN short, she'll only return if she thinks marriage to you can be better/different than before.

So how are you showing her that it will be better/different than before?

What is NEW in how you'll deal with those things?





Theres a reason why I am suppose to be fighting for my W. I know my W is an amazing women and it takes a lot of courage for ALL OF US to overcome their infidelity, to truly forgive and still stand for our marriage. God Bless!


Um, are you talking about HER forgiving you for your infidelity, right?

To me she's just been very lonely and sad and wanted more from the m. And when there was no financial security to boot, on top of the other stuff in your history, the last reason for holding on, began to fade.

Like I said, Maybe I missed something or confused you with another couple.

Have you read the Five Love Languages? It's a great book that I recommend for all couples

but especially couples w/communication issues like you two have.

Like I said, I see hope in your situation IF you can show her that things can be different.

Get those tools for change in the m.

There are far too many resources available now, for anyone to just say "I don't know what to do differently"...

Get those resources and use them. Learn new ways of communicating. It's not just a surface issue, it is key.

Have you discussed the marriage retreat known as "Retrovaille" or the workshop for individuals, called "Essential Experience"?

(EE is mostly in Philadelphia, but Retrovaille, which is for couples in crisis, is all over)

you have a better chance than most who arrive here. Make the most of it.

Keep those idiot "friends" of yours quiet OR inform them of what really happened. I suspect they'll respect your w a lot more for her stance AND they'll root for you both a lot more.

[roughenough]

Yep, thats right 25. This is heavy duty, THANK YOU. Let me go cry like a baby for a bit, I will respond.

[unbidden]

Wow, 25 spot on.

[Denver_2010]

--

I am trying to grasp everything you said. One thing that stands out is “the timing.” I agree, this “might” be the right time.---

Denver, 25, Starsky, Mr Bond, Arsene, Suppo, Bug, AT, Carnac, Accuray, etc…What an amazing group!!!!!! Talk about amazing people. I know I am far from my goal but I HIGHLY doubt I would be at this point without all of you. I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life. The conviction all of you have for marriage is absoulutly amazing. The time and effort you put into helping us out is profound. I hope all of you know how much it means to me. This is such deep sh!t were dealing with.

So many people just throw in the towel and so many LBS’s just accept what’s happened to them. What makes us different, what makes us fighters? What makes us stand for our marriage? Is there a reason that we put our blood sweat and tears into this? I know why I do it. I love my W, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, my family is the most important thing in my life. My conviction is so strong.

Great, so remember these words^^^^ next time you get frustrated again. Seriously. They are YOUR words so keep them close to you and

bring them out when your "friends" tell you to give up.



Yes, I always second guess myself. I see my friends hooking up, they tell me to move on, they say I will find love again but I truly don’t think its my time yet.


Hey, no offense as I don't mean this to be a 2x4,

but do those "friends" know that

you cheated on your w while she was pregnant?


Did they tell HER to move on back then? Did they tell HER she'd find "true love" elsewhere?

My guess is she did not share your betrayal with them...
So maybe they need to STFU, (or maybe you can tell them to, OR share some real insights/history with them.)

Don't make her out to be the bad guy here.

For one thing, it's not fair and second, it does not help you two to reconcile. Your friends will let their own fears of what THEY might face cloud your judgement, or let your wounded ego make the choices instead of a man who is trying to keep his family together.

Those "friends" are not helpful to you or your marriage.


Third, You admit and I agree, your m was in rough shape for a LONG time before she made this move. It's not the same as the affair you had when she was pregnant and "things were good" but you cheated anyhow. And she forgave you. THAT has to have been the hardest thing for any woman to do. Cheating on a pregnant woman is something some women cannot get past, but she did. I'm impressed.

And the sep has not been easy on her. It's no picnic w/any "cake eating" on her end that I can see.

I see a sitch with hope.

I also think financial security is HUGE to women with children.

When men/women were surveyed for what they MOST value in their spouses, men said


an "attracive wife" (sexually appealing) and "peace in the home" (which most interpret to mean warm reception and little nagging.)

Women said "Security" (meaning physical safety AND financial safety. Like the man would investigate the noise downstairs in the dark, not her. And if he were to "go out of the cave to get food", he would return with some. IOW the bills are getting paid and the home is not going to be lost.

Second, women valued "Fidelity" the most. That is self explanatory.

NOT to bash you but to remind you of how you got here, Rough, you let her down on both fronts. But she worked it out for years and stuck it out with you anyhow. Maybe I missed something, but in MY eyes, from where I sit,

I see a woman who deeply loved her h, for a long time, even when he broke her heart, and then let her down again. Her needs were not met for years but still, she stayed.

You said the sex life was "pathetic and she needed booze to ML".

This did not strike you as something that screamed out for a solution. It's a red flag, btw.

Anyhow, you also never answered my questions about exploring that. That's a big thing. So,

What will be different there, if you reconcile?

What else will be better/different if you stay married?

IN short, she'll only return if she thinks marriage to you can be better/different than before.

So how are you showing her that it will be better/different than before?

What is NEW in how you'll deal with those things?





Theres a reason why I am suppose to be fighting for my W. I know my W is an amazing women and it takes a lot of courage for ALL OF US to overcome their infidelity, to truly forgive and still stand for our marriage. God Bless!


Um, are you talking about HER forgiving you for your infidelity, right?

To me she's just been very lonely and sad and wanted more from the m. And when there was no financial security to boot, on top of the other stuff in your history, the last reason for holding on, began to fade.

Like I said, Maybe I missed something or confused you with another couple.

Have you read the Five Love Languages? It's a great book that I recommend for all couples

but especially couples w/communication issues like you two have.

Like I said, I see hope in your situation IF you can show her that things can be different.

Get those tools for change in the m.

There are far too many resources available now, for anyone to just say "I don't know what to do differently"...

Get those resources and use them. Learn new ways of communicating. It's not just a surface issue, it is key.

Have you discussed the marriage retreat known as "Retrovaille" or the workshop for individuals, called "Essential Experience"?

(EE is mostly in Philadelphia, but Retrovaille, which is for couples in crisis, is all over)

you have a better chance than most who arrive here. Make the most of it.

Keep those idiot "friends" of yours quiet OR inform them of what really happened. I suspect they'll respect your w a lot more for her stance AND they'll root for you both a lot more.

GREAT post 25 (as usual).

Good stuff there Rough...

[roughenough]

Hi 25,

I am taking your post one step at a time. In terms of W drinking. My guess is her emotional wall came up years ago. There was no “emotional connection.” I was hoping it was in her, but it just wasn't. I am thinking that women need to have the emotional connection and that equals the physical connection, there tied together. So, you know what booze does. I can only assume this has something to do with my sitch. Thoughts?

[Denver_2010]

I am thinking that women need to have the emotional connection and that equals the physical connection, there tied together. So, you know what booze does. I can only assume this has something to do with my sitch. Thoughts?

I'm sure that 25 and other women here can confirm this, but BINGO!