Denver, thanks for keeping us updated on your sitch, so many people disappear once they're into piecing which is unfortunate because those of us still DB'ing take a lot of inspiration from stories like yours!
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
We haven't seemed to have been able to find the time to talk the past couple of weeks.
Our MC gave us an exercise that seemed silly at first, but it actually worked pretty well. She told us to take a few minutes, find a quiet place away from the kids and ask each other 3 questions- what's the best thing that happened to you today/ what's the worst thing that happened to you today/ is there anything I can do for you right now. We're not doing it anymore since we're S, but before S we did give it a try and both of us felt it helped improve communication quite a bit and helped us connect. Sometimes we'd just spend maybe 2 minutes on it and other times 15 minutes, we'd just go with whatever felt right. If and when we start piecing this is something I definitely want to incorporate again into our daily routine. One of our issues is what you described, we just always found ourselves "too busy" to communicate and connect with each other. I have no doubt it was a major contributing factor to our marital problems.
Thanks AS. I think that that sounds like a great exercise. I might suggest it to my W when we talk next.
I think that being too busy is a huge reason that a lot of M's breakdown. Something I did not see before, but something that I am VERY cognizant of now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
you get to call her out on crap you weren't supposed to before. : )
I'd suggest a nicer way of doing it.
I've done it with my wife, she does it with me.
As an aside, not sure if it is prevelant here.
I came across some proof of the affair, that I was pretty positive I had gotten rid of, on an old CD; when I was going through a stack of them. Email's.
Took me about an hour to calm down. In now way shape or form was that my wife today, or even my wife a year or two ago...but I still had to calm down.
Shredded the CD.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
LOL! That is all good advice Jack. I'm going to use this. And yeah, I'm going to talk to her about what has been going on in my head the past couple of weeks. Friday night. And in a nice way
Funny you mention coming across those emails. I was helping SS with a project on W's computer the other night. He had to go to bed, but I kept working.
The computer was logged onto his account, not W's. But I started looking at some stuff that he has saved. Found 1 thing with OM. A stupid video of W, SS and OM eating lunch. SS had taken the video. It was only about 1 minute long and there was nothing bad on it. Other than W and OM sitting next to each other.
I deleted the video.
I was upset for about 24 hours over that. Ridiculous.
----
Quick update...
I make a habit of taking a starbucks coffee to my W while she is teaching about once every 2 or 3 weeks. I try to surprise her and just make her day a bit easier. Yesterday was one of those days. I walked into her class and took the coffee over to her desk. She was in the middle of collecting some papers from her students.
Her students recognized me. One of them said, "dang Ms. W, you are lucky to have a H like that." Made me feel good.
W said in a joking way "I think that he's lucky to have me"...
I wish that she had agreed with the student, but I'm not surprsed that she didn't. She doesn't seem to want to say things that might make me a little too proud of myself. Kind of bothersome, and I'm not sure that I understand it.
Last night was better. At dinner I used a modified version of what Anotherstander suggested yesterday. W, SS and I were eating dinner at the table. I asked W what the best part of her day was, then SS said his (getting to come home from school), then asked her what the worst part was. She asked me the same. It was a good conversation starter.
W and I watched the Voice in bed before going to sleep.
Still some distance, but a bit better.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Another good sign on the 'transparency' front. W got about a dozen gig offers with her entertainment company over the past week. She forwarded me the details of each of them. The details show who is on the gig, as well as the when, where, and how long, of each.
I didn't ask for her to do that.
I think that's good.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
That's all we can do buddy and it looks like your "best" is pretty damn good!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I would like to say that this forum may not have saved my marriage, but then again, maybe it did....
On Aug 15, 2011 my h moved out and we started the rollercoaster of ridiculous amounts of ups and downs..my emotions were all over the page...
I then turned to this site and started to put my emotions on here, rather than on my H...
days turned to weeks turned to months and I just kept living... my H moved away, only a couple of hours way, but still there was now distance. but our communication got better.
In the spring, we started weekly visits, he would come here and the kids and I would go there. Neither of us brought up the D word..
Now that it has been several months and many hours of talking and understanding what actually happened, I can honestly say we are in a better place then we have ever been.
Thanks to Divorce busting, I actually learned there is more involved in listening then simply hearing the words, and MY h is opening up to me in ways he never has..knowing what goes on in his head is enlightening to say the least, and for him to understand what goes on in mine has helped our marriage survive.
I by no means expect this to be easy, however it is definately something I want. My H calls me "his love" once again and we just celebrated our 13th anniversary. we are now working on moving back in together, not sure how that will work, as I will have to relocate, but we will figure that out together... _________________________ m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
