Still together but trying to save this

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for the post Denver. I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability.

1) I'm in sales (of sorts).

You are welcome. Sales is generally a job where you have to be pretty social. How do you deal with that with your anxiety?

2) I have no idea what the status of the OM and my W are. She doesn't really try to reach out to me at all. I haven't heard her voice in weeks and she only sends me a text message once in a great while. Since he is one of very few people that she has, even as a friend, around here I'm sure they spend quite a bit of time together. Doing what, I have no idea.

What does she say when she texts you? I would suggest that you post contacts with your W here as detailed as possible. Especially when they are sparse. It helps for us to have as much info as possible, and it will help you track progress if there is any.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I recall reading that the OM is a mutual friend of both you and your W, right? He was a former fiancee of one of her friends? I hope that I'm not getting you confused. I read quite a few different threads around here.

If I am right about the above, then I'm correct in assuming that you know the OM well enough to tell us a bit about him. How are the two of you similar? How are you different? A's occur because the cheating spouse is not getting some need met with her/his spouse. Usually. What do you think that your W gets from her R with OM that she was not getting from you?

I know that thinking about this stuff hurts, but you need to understand the dynamics of what is happening before you can ever hope to come up with a strategy that may help your cause. Information is always useful to those of us who are trying to help you.

Lastly on the OM issue... unfortunately, it is very unlikely that you have any chance to reconcile as long as the OM is in the picture. The good news is that most A's do not last. Also good news is that marriages can recover and even be better. There are a number of success stories here on this board. Jack3beans, Starsky/Puppy, LITB, to name a few. Mine is still pretty fresh, but my W moved back home in June. It seems that it is on the path for success. I suggest reading the threads of those who have been successful. While it will not give you the magic potion to fix your marriage, it will give you a road map. There is lots to learn from the people who have gone through this. AND, you will find that most of the stories have A LOT of similarities. Also, the path that most of us who have been successful as been somewhat similar.

3) I have read DB not DR.

Read Divorce Remedy. It is much better and more specific, IMO. Specifically, the chapters on the Last Resort Technique and Infidelity.

4) I have been on a low dose of Xanax for a while now. My IC thinks I might want to talk to my doc about upping the dose, at least if nothing else until I can get things sorted out in my head. I plan on doing that soon. Honestly, my anxiety has been much much better since I have been open an honest with people about it. Talk to my IC has helped a lot to get things off my chest that were causing me anxiety.

I'm not a psychologist, but I would check into some meds that are more of a daily anti-anxiety, anti-depression, type of drug. I may be completely off base, but I feel some depression from you when I read your posts. I would highly suggest just talking to your doc about it if it is even a possibility. I found a better anti-depression med during my S from my W and it has helped a lot.

One thing to keep in mind is that NO ONE wants to be with someone who is down and depressed all of the time. A downer. If this is an issue, address it. You need to attract your W again... that means making some changes. Being happy and fun is always a good place to start. Not just for your M's sake, but for YOU.

5) My anxiety caused me to be uncomfortable in social situations. It caused me to grin and bear situations rather than actually having fun and enjoy them and in the worst cases caused me to stay home while my wife was out having fun. I would stay home to avoid even having been in a situation where something would get triggered. When I was forced to be in social situations (e.g. Christmas) I was not really all there. I was mentally trying to suppress the uncomfortable feelings that I was having while not trying to be rude. So people would talk to me and I would give short, half answers to them. I really just wanted to get back into my "comfort zone" and was just going through the motions. I didn't really understand what was going on and worse yet was in denial that I even had any psychological or behavioral issues. In my mind it was physical and it was something that I had to figure out. Looking back after this eye opening experience, it is a lot easier to see all the times that I was distant or not engaged in conversation. I wasn't taking the time to enjoy my W and my marriage. She saw the pattern as well but we never talked about it. She told me that she thought that any time that I didn't want to do something that she wanted to do, I would just tell her that I "didn't feel good." Which was true in a sense because I would get that anxious feeling of dread when we were in a lot of social situations so I can see where she is coming from or how it could have seemed to her.

Your W sounds like a very social person? So she is naturally going to be attracted to someone who is also that way, or who can at least enjoy those situations with her. How were you about this when you first met her? What made her fall in love with you? You need to find that person again. I'm also guessing that OM is more social than you??

5) I am doing the biggest 180 that I can do. I am making amends with all of the people that knew me over the last 2 or 3 years and admitting to them that I have an anxiety issue. I am making an effort to hang out with friends and family as much as possible. I find that finally admitting to MYSELF that I had this issue has helped a ton. I still find myself in social situations where I am uncomfortable and I need to take a deep breath and tell myself that this is something that I developed. It is a learned behavior over 2 or 3 years and I can just as easily unlearn it and get back to the social butterfly (or whatever the more manly equivalent is) that I have been for my entire life.

That is all great. Your 180s have to be for you. Things that you want to change so that in this life. So that you can enjoy life. A couple of 180s that I think that you ought to consider if possible:

1) Start getting out in social situations. Your W will no doubt begin to hear about what you are doing. Do you facebook? Obviously, I'm not telling you to do something that you don't want to do for yourself, or that you can't do, but I think that it would help your situation. I also think that it would help you... GAL (get a life). Lots of stuff on GAL and why it is important.

2) Simply being happy. ESPECIALLY any time that you have contact with your W. Trust me, I know that this is easier said than done under these circumstances. I believe that it is imperative though. One thing that you will see mentioned a lot on here is the saying, "fake it til you make it"... or, "act as if"... actually two different things, but both relevant to your mood and demeanor. If you begin to act happy, even when you are not, it is weird how it eventually begins to actually make you happy. Again... fake it and act as if anytime that you have contact with your W. When texting or emailing, I find a good "LOL" or " " or exclamation mark can go a long way! LOL, You want your W to see that you are excited about life, that you are happy, fun...