Lifejustgothard (I need to abbreviate that in the future... how about "Life"?) - I am taking a look at your sitch now... I'm tight on time though. I will definitely look later if I can't get it done now.
I just read this post on Life's thread and wanted to repost here for future reference...
Deal to make with W:
"If I say something that could be taken one of two ways, and one of those ways is hurtful? Please don't take it that way. If we want to hurt each other we know how too without being all passive aggresive. But let me know how I could say it better."
Thanks Jack!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Would love to know how your sitch is going Leopold. I hope really well.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Rough week... kind of. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but about a week ago I just began to feel some anger about the stuff that happened with my W during our S. Subsequently, I had some trust issues come up. I did not tell W, but it clearly came out in my behavior towards her.
On Tuesday, after doing some hard thinking, I told her that I knew that I have not been my best for the past several days, that it was mostly about me (because she had done nothing), that I recognized it, and was working at turning it around. Her response was that it was affecting our R and that she thought we should talk to air some stuff out. I agreed, but we have been so busy this week that we haven't had the opportunity to sit down and talk.
Since Tuesday, things have been a little awkward, but mostly normal. W talked to me about a million things going on her life while she tried to go to sleep last night, and gave me a hug on her way out the door this morning. She and I do need to still talk about what happened last week though.
Interestingly enough, during my several days of being a dumba$$, OM texted W on last Thursday night. It was kind of a nasty text message about how she had basically caused for him to be fired from the entertainment company that they both work for because she now refuses to accept any gigs that he is assigned to. She is one of the top 2 singing talents for this company, so the owner really doesn't have much of a choice but to leave OM off of most shows because he needs W to be on them. Anyway, he told her "don't do me any more favors".
W showed me the text. Told me that she was not going to reply to it. That she just wanted for him "to go away". She also said that she was amazed by the "lack of responsibility" that OM takes for his choices.
I was irritated that he had texted her, but not too concerned about it because of the context of the contact.
So there's my update/journal for the day.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Jack. Yeah, we've had a rough couple of weeks. Lots of reasons. My triggers, her being way too damn busy and stressed out, me being insecure as a result... I don't know. Trying to reign it in right now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Make the time to talk. Chances are not having enough time to talk is an...what's the word...OLD pattern.
EXACTLY. That is what has worried me most. She is literally swamped between her teaching job, her singing job, and my SS's school stuff. While I haven't been as busy as I'd like to be with my own career (another source of stress right now), I am also working pretty hard. We haven't seemed to have been able to find the time to talk the past couple of weeks. I think that we have irritated each other about some fairly minor things, so that, plus the lack of a good conversation, has made it seem that there is a little bit of distance between us. Not terrible, just more than I'd like.
I have focused on taking on some things that we normally share. Just trying to make her load easier. I work from home, so that is pretty easy for me to do. But she comes home, is tired and stressed, and then has to sit down to do homework with SS... she ends up snapping at me over something stupid... then my feelings are hurt and I have to fight the urge and instinct to withdraw!
LOL... Sometimes it feels like I am in the exact opposite position that she was in for many years prior to our separation. I thought to myself last night that I feel like the neglected housewife right now!! Hahahaha!
My logical brain tells me that I am just overly sensitive because of what I went through. But man, those little insecurities can really affect me.
Thanks again Jack!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, thanks for keeping us updated on your sitch, so many people disappear once they're into piecing which is unfortunate because those of us still DB'ing take a lot of inspiration from stories like yours!
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
We haven't seemed to have been able to find the time to talk the past couple of weeks.
Our MC gave us an exercise that seemed silly at first, but it actually worked pretty well. She told us to take a few minutes, find a quiet place away from the kids and ask each other 3 questions- what's the best thing that happened to you today/ what's the worst thing that happened to you today/ is there anything I can do for you right now. We're not doing it anymore since we're S, but before S we did give it a try and both of us felt it helped improve communication quite a bit and helped us connect. Sometimes we'd just spend maybe 2 minutes on it and other times 15 minutes, we'd just go with whatever felt right. If and when we start piecing this is something I definitely want to incorporate again into our daily routine. One of our issues is what you described, we just always found ourselves "too busy" to communicate and connect with each other. I have no doubt it was a major contributing factor to our marital problems.
