Backing off will be hard for me. She is leaving town this weekend to see friends who were aware of her affair before I was. I am not sure they respect our relationship or me. But this will give her some space and me some as well. I have been disturbed by this trip and asked her several questions about it. Her answers were all positive about our relationships future, but trust is very hard for me right now. (Especially since one of the friends has used my wife to fake her own whereabouts to her live-in boyfriend in the past. I.e. sneaky underhanded stuff.) Also I have read horror stories about cheating spouses that faked reconciliation for a long time before being outed. Maybe my paranoia is justified, but I feel real needy lately, as if I need constant reassurance to feel right. I intend to back off and find more personal things to do, but I am not confident in my ability to keep at it.
Again, I confronted my W about her intentions and got that she is 'trying' and is not just here short term but 'is here.' However, she says she does not have the feeling she needs to have for me. I.e. she 'loves' me but is not in love with me. And she does not want to have sex with me, unless those feeling return. I have done what I can to alter myself based on her claims, but now she says its something she has to fix. I am very frustrated by the situation, but I plan to refrain from sex with her for at least a month. Of course if she wants it, then I may lose my resolve.
You can't keep confronting her about it. She has to be able to come to terms with things on her own timeline. She has to get her head and emotions on straight before you can proceed.
It could take a week, it could take a month, it could take a year. But the fact remains that she's willing to try. What you do and how you interact with her (changing, filling her love bank, etc.) is what's going to determine that timeline.
If you say that you can't live without sex for one month (which is pretty immature) then you might as well fill out the divorce papers now.
You're going to have to be patient and compassionate to her right now. That's what gets a woman turned on.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have done what I can to alter myself based on her claims, but now she says its something she has to fix.
Be very thankful your wife has this much insight into her sitch. This is rare. She is not blaming you, she understand it's not about you, it's about her. Give her the space and time she's asking for. As MrBond said, quit pressuring her. Do not initiate any relationship talks. Be there if she wants to bring it up, but don't bring it up yourself. She'll come to you when she's ready.
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I am very frustrated by the situation, but I plan to refrain from sex with her for at least a month.
I wouldn't assign a timeline to anything, let her work it out at her own pace. She may be ready for sex sooner than that or later, but you can't really predict when she'll get there.
Well my plan to refrain from sex was derailed rather quickly. One day of no pressure and I received two things. One was an email from my W, which said among other things that "she was a very very lucky woman to have a man who would stand by her through this," and then the following morning we had intercourse. All I did was put my arm around her and she wanted more. Is this about control? ....But whatever, the point is that the attitude of backing off had an almost immediate effect. I will keep this position.
Often, it is a sort of "temperature check," or "measuring stick" that a woman will use to see if "those feelings" are there when she's with you. When there has been a PA, it can be a flat-out comparison.
Hard to see. Her mood today should tell you something; how is it?
'Hard to say' is how I would respond to your question about her behavior, as well. There has been a definite warming in our attitudes toward one another for several weeks now. It is the issue of intimacy and physical affection in general that seems to be a sore spot. She will be cold then suddenly hot and then back to cold again in this department. All other areas of our lives are back to some semblance of normal. Except that when asked she still can not tell me that she loves me. But I am not asking again for now. ( her affair was almost entirely emotional and long distance, I think that she went as far as kissing him in the one encounter that they had.)
Well my plan to refrain from sex was derailed rather quickly. One day of no pressure and I received two things. One was an email from my W, which said among other things that "she was a very very lucky woman to have a man who would stand by her through this," and then the following morning we had intercourse. All I did was put my arm around her and she wanted more. Is this about control? ....But whatever, the point is that the attitude of backing off had an almost immediate effect. I will keep this position.
Wow, well it rarely works that fast but I wouldn't complain if I were you Hopefully you learned the lesson that loving detachment works, so keep it up!
Originally Posted By: icDude
It is the issue of intimacy and physical affection in general that seems to be a sore spot. She will be cold then suddenly hot and then back to cold again in this department.
This is pretty typical behavior actually. How are you responding to the hot/ cold cycles? Here is something brilliant Accuray posted on this, I liked it so much that I copied it to my DB forum notes for continued reference:
"Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier."
Yep, that seems to fit my situation as well. I think things are still moving in the right direction. Just watching that hot and cold and not reacting too strongly to it. I'll post again if something remarkable occurs.
Hopefully you learned the lesson that loving detachment works, so keep it up!