Going home

[needgrace]

Journal

OK.. Time to rethink what I am doing and I need some help...

To recap: W moved back about 3 weeks ago from out of state bc she wanted to be with OW here. (W tells everyone that she moved back for a new job but I have heard otherwise.) About the same time, I learned more that verified an EA that began before we separated. (W denies and I think believes herself.)

Since then, she wanted to talk on the phone about a financial matter. I answered her question by email. Then she had another question and wanted to get together to talk about it. I answered that thoroughly by email.

I had stuff of hers that needed to be picked up. (I did not want to mail it as it was her birth certificate, car title, etc.) and suggested in my email a few weeks ago that i leave it in the garage.

Yesterday she emailed that she would pick it up last night. I left the stuff in the garage. I was home before she got here but the garage is separate so i did not see her. she sent 4 texts.. "I just pulled up" "I did not want to scare you" "Just got off work" "Thanks"

I did not go out to the garage. i texted back "thanks" awhile later..

Later online, another DBer asked if i was still DBing and asked why i did not go out there and act as if...

and asked what my pattern was during arguments w/ STBXW... and yes, my pattern was to get quiet and withdraw (so i am dong more of the same?)

And from there stems my confusion..

I find myself really angry lately about all I have learned recently, our last conversation where she was concerned that I think OW was a "good person"..(WTF?) and talked about her "unusual connection" with EA.. and her moving back...

and I decided recently to set boundaries w/ her while she is with OW... that I will not be a part of her life.. I am doing this mostly for me, to protect me... from a place of letting go.... but I know that a part of me is also wanting to show her what life is like.. without me..from a place of anger...

i feel like i have been a doormat for months...that she has always known that the door was open for me to be an option for her.. even in our last conversation last month, she said that she was not changing her path (even though I did not ask her to...)

i know i need to do more forgiveness meditations... that is who want to be.

but right now i am angry..

i know that true detachment does not care and could have walked out there to say hi without caring about her response...

yet i feel that this anger is helping me detach more in that it I am doing what is good for me (staying away)

so I am confused and need some perspective..
i have to do some of our taxes and will have more contact soon.

thank you.