Time for an Introduction...and Thanks

[figure-it-out]

Journaling and need advice I guess. Might be long. I apologize in advance.
I think I might have slipped a bit or didn't handle the situation as best I could.
H was supposed to come over yesterday to take S to practice. I got a call from the coach saying practice was canceled. I sent H a text letting him know.
About 20 min later H pulls in. He said he received the text but was almost there. H sits down, talks to kids. He's hanging out a bit so I ask him if he wants to stay for dinner. I assumed he was hanging around as there would be a lot of traffic if he left at that time.
We all had dinner together, laughed, had a good time.
After dinner H makes himself comfortable on the couch and starts watching football. We're still within the traffic time so I don't think much of it.
D leaves for practice at 7. H still there watching football. I think OK, he's waiting for the game to be over. Game over, H still there. I ask him if he's OK, if there's something going on. He says no, he's just hanging out. It's odd, but I'm OK with it. We were talking during the game, general chit chat. D comes home from practice, he's still there.
Long story short, I go upstairs to get ready for bed and H comes up. We ended up ML and he stayed the night. He ended up bringing up a backpack later so he either travels with one all the time (which in the past he has said he always has his backpack with him), or he planned it.
Fast forward to this morning. I get a text from H saying S is up and getting ready for school. I thank him and say S likes to go back to sleep sometimes so I appreciate him making sure he's up.
The following is the text exchange we had:

H: I wanted to talk to you yesterday but couldn't find a way to bring it up. I got an e-mail from the lawyer (mine, he doesn't have one) and the court date now isnt til March 18, 2013.
(Keep in mind, we had a court date last week. H signed off asking for more time, he still has not completed his disclosure paperwork)

M: OK, what did you want to talk about? Why couldn't you bring it up?

H: I don't know why I couldn't bring it up. I don't want to keep taking S to my mom's house. (S goes there on weekends as neither one of my kids know he does not live there anymore)

M: I don't know why either. I don't know what to say though.

H: I know, I wouldn't have brought it up but with the date being 3/18 I will go crazy taking him all teh way up there for at least 6 more months.

M: I don't know, sounds like this might need further discussion. If the only reason is you don't want to driver all that way then I'll find somewhere to go Sat night to Sun. If it's other reasons then I don't know.

H: It's just time. You and D are going to be doing cheer and I'm sure I will be doing stuff like camping and stuff he hasn't been able to be on with me.

M: Time for what? I wouldn't be at teh house anyway if it was about cheer

H: Nevermind, You're not getting it or maybe you are.

M: What am I not getting. If it's important to you then lets discuss it.

H: Its OK, I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere. That's why I didn't bring it up. I am trying to do right by EVERYBODY and I don't want anyone to hurt.

M: Like I said, if it's that important, lets discuss it so everyone is clear. In the end, you're the one who determines wh most needs you to do right by them, someones going to get hurt regardless.

Am I making this too difficult for him? I want it to be difficult. Do I just say OK? I can't sign off on him introducing our kids to GF. If he's going to do it, he's going to do it, but I can't greenlight that. It just feels to me like if he does that then there's no turning back. I know others have been in this situation and it doesn't mean the end, I just feel sick when I think about it.
I want him to tell me it's not just about the drive to his moms, that he sees himself long term with this person. I don't want him dragging our kids through this if it's not. I know what this will do to their hearts. I keep thinking why does he still want to stay at the house, ask me to still be at family events, etc. if he REALLY wants to be with her.
So sorry for the length of this. I'm just spinning this morning. Maybe as the day goes on and I think about it more I will have more clarity. I should have known last night there was something more to it.
I've felt pretty good these past few weeks like I could accept what was happening and was in a good place. I feel really set back.

[Brian in Hville]

Wow..that was eventfull. Let me get the 2x4 out of the way first. You should have kicked him out of the house and not ML/let him spend the night. That was cake eating (and I feel he used you).

Now, as for the texting, I think you did great. Do NOT make it easy for him. Who cares that he has to do that for 6 more months. This is all his fault anyways (he moved out, he moved to OW house, he didn't fill out the paperwork, etc). Put your foot down and say NO, my child can not meet your gf.

Good job with that. Now, how do you feel about everything?

[figure-it-out]

Hey Brian,
Yeah, you think you're in for a basic, boring Monday night and then...
I know I should have asked him to leave. It's so easy to get wrapped back up in those feelings and I really thought at the time he had been enjoying himself with me and the kids and was feeling that connection too.

Thanks for the support on the texting part. I wasn't sure I handled it well. I have made many things in this process easy for him. Asked my atty questions for him, allowed him access to the house still, participated in holidays as normal, etc. I will not go easy when it comes to my kids. I know my S particularly will be crushed. He is protective of his time with H now as it's so limited, even with me. I can only imagine how he would feel with a "stranger" around during his time with dad. My D 18 will just be angry and I'm sure pull more away from him than she has already.

I don't know how I feel. Mixed emotions I guess. Like I said above, if he only wants my S over to his new place (all 700sq ft, 1 bedroom, 1 bath)because he's tired of driving to his moms then I will find a place to go for that time period. If he knows he wants to be with this person and it's worth what our kids will go through then I just want him to say it. I don't think he really gets yet that people ARE going to get hurt, people have ALREADY gotten hurt and they're the people he should hold dearest in his life.

[Brian in Hville]

Honesty,

I wouldn't let him introduce the kids to the OW until after things are final. Make him really think about all of this. He is still cake eating and will continue to do so as long as you let him. Draw a line, make some boundries, then stick to them!

You can do this (says the captain of your cheer squad)!

[figure-it-out]

Thanks Brian,
That's what I'm going to say. He knows my feelings as I've told him I wanted to have a morality clause written into the settlement. I know it's not legally enforceable but he doesn't. I had told him I was going to ask for a year after the divorce was final before either one of us could introduce our kids to someone else.
I know I can't stop him if he's set on doing this but I will tell him what I want.
I'm just going to wait and see if he brings it up again. Depends..if he is REALLY sick of taking S to his moms house he may (she has a house full anyway) or if he told GF he was telling me and doesn't want to rock that boat or tell her he backed out. Whatever.

[Brian in Hville]

I know what you need...I don't know why this works, but it does! You need to put on some of the "club" music (LMFAO, Pitbull, Niki Minaj, Taio Cruz), turn the volume up, then dance dance dance!!! I don't listen to that music on a daily basis, but it sure does make me feel good when I do that!

[bustingout]

Hi figure-it-out,

i just want to say i echo Brian...DANCE.IT.OUT! let it settle for awhile...time will tell. stick to the boundaries you want to make and DANCE.

Hope you are well today.

[figure-it-out]

LOL, thanks guys. Sounds like a plan. Maybe I can get S to join me. He likes dancing around the living room. I appreciate your support.
Busting, your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine. Think I'll mosey on over and check out your posts.

Have a great rest of the day! H supposed to be taking S to practice again tonight but I highly suspect he'll have to "work late" after our little text exchange.

[figure-it-out]

Journaling...
Ended up having a real live conversation with H. Imagine that! No texting.
H took S to practice on Tues and Wed. this week so that was a nice break. H came upstairs after practice on Wed. and I knew what was coming. H said he wanted to talk about taking S to "his place". I told him if he was asking for my approval or greenlight for doing that I was not going to give it.
H said "I knew you were going to say that". He said he did not like taking S to his mother's as son gets blamed for things the younger child who lives there does.
I reminded him that I was happy to leave the house Sat. night to Sun. afternoon.
H wanted to know why I didn't trust him with this and that he would trust me. I told him it wasn't a matter of me trusting him. I didn't think GF was an axe murderer or anything but I was looking at it from how our kids would react. He genuinely seemed surprised that was the reason I was concerned.
I told him he was able to make whatever decision it was he wanted as there was no agreement made yet in our settlement and he is our children's parent but I would not approve.
He genuinely seemed to want to talk this through which is highly unusual, so I kind of let him lead the conversation.
I reminded him how protective S is of his time with H even when it comes to me and asked him how he thought S would feel not only being introduced to GF but knowing that is where he would be staying during the weekend. I asked him how he thought D would take the news and he said he had not thought about that.
I'm sure I overstepped the DB guidelines during part of the conversation but since they are few and far between I decided to go for it.
I asked him if this was someone he pictured himself with long term, someone who he would be bringing to the next Thanksgiving or Christmas. He looked at me somewhat befuddled and said "no".
I asked him if GF knew where he stayed M, Tu. and Wed. night of this week. He said "no". I asked him if GF knew I was still at every family holiday. He said "no".
We talked a bit more and he said there were things I brought up he had not considered and would need to think more. I told him I was glad we had a conversation and said if we hadn't he would have continued to think the reason I did not want the kids over was because I didn't trust him and I would have not known that was the way he was feeling. I told him it felt good to just sit and talk with him and I wished we could have more of these type of talks. He agreed.
Received a text from him the next morning (Thurs) relating to the car we are trying to purchase for D then nothing more.
Received another text today with more information about the car but in addition, he said "Thanks again for talking to me about S coming over to my place". I was somewhat stunned with that.
So, I have no idea what's going to happen when he picks up S tomorrow. He may end up at H's "place" or back at MIL's. I will deal with what comes should it be with GF. I don't expect H to sit down and tell D should he decide to take S there. She will probably find out from S. I hope H reconsiders.
If he doesn't, I am prepared to finally set some hard boundaries. Probably something I should have done a long time ago but this just kind of seems like the last straw if he involves the kids in this situation. I will no longer let him come in and out of the house as he chooses. I will make sure he gives me his garage door opener and comes to the front door when picking up S. I will not let him come and sit for hours prior to taking S to practices unless he is invited. I will no longer participate in family holidays with his family (this will be the hardest). I just kind of feel once GF is out in the open whether she is at these functions or not and his family knows about her I can't look like a bigger fool to them. I can deal with them thinking I'm foolish for standing this long with no one else in the picture. I can't prove them right by continuing as normal when everyone knows there's someone else.
Sorry for rambling, I'm probably making no sense and really don't anticipate anyone making it this far into my post. Guess I'm hoping putting all of this in "black and white" will help me find the strenght I will need should H decide to expose GF.
Have a great weekened everyone.

[Brian in Hville]

Checking in on you...How have things been?