Again, its important for you to read DB and really understand it. DB means to do what works and right now you've been going all over the place.
^^^^ THIS! Jzoom, you really have been all over the place. You're trying something different each day, you're not giving anything a chance to work. You tinker with DB'ing here and there, but you're not consistent and you're not giving it time to work. You also keep mixing in actions that are contrary to DB. You've got to slow down!! Take a deep breath and take stock of your sitch. First, really think about whether you want to save this R. If you do, then don't do anything until you read DR again. This time, implement the steps outlined in DR. Write down your issues and how to do 180's on them. Write down the baby steps that will indicate progress in the R. Be consistent in your actions!! Copy the 34 DB 180 tips to your computer and read them every day (if not several times a day) to remind yourself what to do and not do. Stick with it! Don't expect an immediate turnaround. Have patience and give it time to work. Do not give her ultimatums, do not pressure her with R talks, do not argue with her. Give her space as much as you can given your living arrangement and give her time. Slow your roll
Last night, before I left work, I sent her a text that I would be putting the dirty clothes in the wash when I got home. She says ok so I tell her that if there's anything she needs for her or the kids to be washed to please make sure it's in the hamper. I was working on the alpha/beta balance b/c I don't mind doing the laundry but I'm not going room to room picking up dirty clothes strewn everywhere.
This morning she's searching for underwear for the kids and I tell her clean stuff I put in one spot and I have stuff down in the washer. She's carrying on about it and I go down and pull a single pair of underwear out of the washer and get it in the dryer. I'm offering up breakfast to everybody and she's yelling at the kids upstairs while I'm downstairs. I'm just staying out of it and then I go up to tell her about the underwear. She snaps at me that she had already told me that she found underwear and that I don't listen.
I calmly start saying that she needs to stop assuming I'm not listening, that maybe I was down in the basement and couldn't hear her. She gets upset and tells me to stop talking to her like that b/c I'm using the words "assume" and "practicle" and I should be talking to her "like she's my gf" which means not using big words. So I get a little snappy and repeat myself saying that she needs to stop thinking I'm not listening b/c I might be in the damn basement and can't hear her, then I walk away.
She comes downstairs and pulls the spaghetti sauce out of the fridge and starts rasing her voice at me and snapping not to put it in the fridge. I stay very calm and tell her she needs to drop the attitude. She says why should she b/c I've been giving her attitude all morning. I ask how and she says b/c I was swearing at her upstairs and I tell her that it's b/c of the way she was acting and wanted me to talk to her differently. I tell her I've always put suace in the fridge and then heat it up when I make it. She basically calls it stupid b/c you don't buy it cold and then you're making an extra dirty dish. I tell her to do it however she likes but that she needs to watch how she's speaking to me if she wants me to watch how I speak to her. She snaps that she did it one time but snap at her and use bad tones all the time. I tell her that I'm not doing this with her and she gives me a look and walks away. I go over and say, "and you think continuing to do it all day helps?" She snaps, "I'm here with the kids, don't talk to me" and glares at me so I just walk away b/c I realize I pressed the issue after I said I wasn't going to do any arguing about it.
She takes the kids to daycare and when she gets back she says that she's on edge b/c her period is coming, the kids were getting on her nerves, and so she snapped but why do I jump on her the one time she does it. I tell her I understand her point but I've been watching my tone of voice with her and lately it hasn't been "one time", it's been a lot. She says she only does it when I do it but by now I've walked away and I just ignore her.
She's being nicer so I'm nicer and I just calmly go about my day.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
You're both still just pushing each other's buttons. "More of the same" behavior. Something needs to change. You can only control you, so if you want change it's got to start there. Instead of arguing with her, find ways to diffuse the situation. For example, this:
Quote:
She snaps at me that she had already told me that she found underwear and that I don't listen.
I calmly start saying that she needs to stop assuming I'm not listening, that maybe I was down in the basement and couldn't hear her. She gets upset and tells me to stop talking to her like that b/c I'm using the words "assume" and "practicle" and I should be talking to her "like she's my gf" which means not using big words. So I get a little snappy and repeat myself saying that she needs to stop thinking I'm not listening b/c I might be in the damn basement and can't hear her, then I walk away.
After she initially snapped at you, what if you had just ignored the comment and cheerily said "is there anything else I can help you with before I head back downstairs?" It probably would have ended there, and she might even have felt sheepish for snapping at you. THAT would be a 180.
Well, I'm about done with this R. I know it's counter to DB but I really don't have the commitment of marriage here and financially I'm being destroyed. Even in DB there's the idea of "ask for what you want" and there's an example in the book where a woman says to her husband that she doesn't want to live like brother/sister b/c she wants and needs sex. I know it sounds like I have a one track mind here but really, with a gf, what's the point if we aren't spending any time together and we aren't having sex?
What do YOU want? If you want to drop the rope on the relationship, then that's your call and no one here is going to criticize you for it. Earlier in this thread you indicated that you very much wanted to save the R, so the advice has been geared around how to do that. But if you don't want to continue down that path then that's OK too. But make sure it's what YOU want, not what anyone on this forum or any other is telling you is best for you.
The DB road is a long and lonely path with the idea that it is ultimately worth it. Either your DB succeeds and your relationship becomes better than it ever was, or it fails. But either way, the idea is that you come out a better person in the end and learn tools that help you with YOURSELF and future relationships.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I agree with AnothStander. With all the emotions and insanity going on around me, it's really hard to make a good decision. Then, you add the opinions of everyone in the world--telling me what to do, how to handle this and that, how to raise the children, yadda, yadda, yadda... it's not the best situation to make a major life decision.
Don't let anyone bully you into doing something--one way or the other--that makes you feel uncertain. I've been trusting my instincts more than ever. I made my decision to get married after taking a lot of time to think aboutit, pray about it and follow what was right for me. I intend on making the decision on whether to stay in the marriage the same way.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I ended it and it wasn't pretty. She called the cops b/c I changed the locks and had taken my car back. Cop told me she has established residency so I have to give her a 30 day notice to vacate and go through eviction if she doesn't get out in 30 days.
This has ended up being similar to after the LRT, similar not exactly, b/c she's realizing what she's giving up. No financial support, no transportation, no food, no laundry service and all b/c she didn't want to act like my gf...spend time with me and be intimate with me.
It makes me wonder if after a few days or weeks she'll be crawling back or if she'll just leave.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
So you ended it because she wouldn't put out? We'll see you here again after you've been married a bit. And don't say that there were other factors, etc. Your main reason was lack of sex.
And anyway, if you broke it off with her you didn't need to do it in such a cold manner. I mean changing the locks? Aren't her kids living there too? So you just kicked her and her kids out in one day?
You were totally being a d*ck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
