A New Week... A New Opportunity...

[Arsene]

I don't think that you have been very specific about her words re OM this past weekend. What did she say about OM?

Hey Denver... Well I didn't dive TOO much into OM this weekend, as I didn't want her to feel I was persecuting her and didn't want to let OM dominate our conversation.

In summary, she admitted that she is seeing OM. She told me that she didn't just go up there to be with him (which I believe), that she didn't decide to start seeing him as soon as she got up there (which I also believe), but that after she moved up there and was met with a couple weeks of silence... she began to wonder. She says we talked after she'd been up there for a couple weeks and I stated "Obviously, we're separated... I mean you moved away!". Although I don't remember saying that, I don't doubt that I did. She says that that after that particular conversation was when things started with OM (which I also believe).

In her mind, as we were/are separated, this isn't an Affair, and this isn't cheating (Something my IC was VERY adamant in pointing out... that she probably doesn't see this as an affair or as cheating as she took the steps to separate before pursuing a PA.)

I validated this thinking, as I truly understand her opinion on it, even if I don't agree.

We didn't get into too many more details than that, and I tried my best not to keep bringing it up... Although it slipped into conversations again once in a while... like when I was surprised that she actually wanted to read the draft-posts on her blog... I was shocked and said something like "You want to read about how much I love you even though you're going back to OM?"... I know that was a mistake, and I quickly dropped that.

Hope this answers your question!

That is classic wayward thinking and most likely a large stretch of the truth that is more for her and not you. See when your married your married. Unless you have some legal document before you saying your legally separated or divorced then its cheating. Isn't it just so utterly impossible in odds that she just happened to move back to Mouseville and then by chance happen to meet up with the same man she was texting and sending pictures to a few months earlier... right around the same time you realized that the marriage was falling apart... hmmmm......

Kind of sounds like what my W is trying to make me believe. I'd still go with the "don't believe anything they say" on this AT. She's trying to blame you (or at least make you feel guilty) for her getting into an affair.

I really never have resolved the question in my own mind. I think that ultimately it is just wrong, and that you should be divorced before dating. But I also know that had it been me that left, I may have done the same thing. I also see that we, as human beings, are just looking for happiness. It is sometimes hard to put that aside when you honestly believe that you are done with the marriage. I see both sides of the argument.

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Can you see yourself pursuing her, having contact with her, being there for her emotionally, knowing that she may be sleeping in the bed of an OM?

I don't mean to be hurtfully blunt, but that was something that I could not see myself doing.

Waiting it out? Yes. For a while. Actively being a part of her life while knowing that OM could be with her that night, cuddling with her on the couch, or while I was on the phone with her... no way. It was hard enough putting those thoughts out of my mind while trying to detach and be dark.

I'm just wondering how you look at this... what you think about?

Yeah, that is where I'm at in my sitch and I don't know that I can either. It's been a few days since it's been out in the open about W actually being in love with OM (or at least thinking she is) and willing to jeopardize our family over it. AT, you're doing the right thing for sure because this here is looking more and more impossible every hour.

The dirty little secret is that there really isn't much of ANYTHING you can do while they are still with their OM/OW. They're going to be blocked to you emotionally, actually RESENT any positive changes, and you're just going to be more and more frustrated and resentful.

If you play your cards right . . . and if the wayward spouse chooses to end their affair and make a move back towards the marriage, THEN you will have plenty of opportunities to demonstrate your changes. Until then, you're only spinning your wheels and would be wise to focus on those positive changes that are FOR YOU -- those things that you know in your heart of hearts are things YOU need to work on, to be a better person and a better mate.

Starsky

Point noted Starsky but what if the changes you do in fact create confusion in the WAS? What if you notice a wavering in their resolve to continue the A? I know that my W still believes to be in love with OM but I have noticed some softening. Has anyone been on this road before? With similar results? Or am I going down a cheese-less tunnel?