Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

((((((((((((((jks))))))))))))

i think we only truly grow when we are uncomfortable. keep going, jks... it is one of those races where the prize is out of sight around some corner.

I know you're right, needgrace. I have continually asked myself lately, how am I going to get through this? Like really get through it? It just seems like such an impossible feat at times. It is a constant battle for me to keep a PMA. I'm like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. There's just so much going on in my head and I feel like I haven't been able to really heal or release any of how I'm feeling.

So, I'm going in to see a therapist tomorrow. I know this is well overdue. I think I keep trying to do this on my own and with the help of all of you but I am not progressing like I want to.

On Sunday night my friend invited me to her H's friend's house to watch a football game. The guy who owned the house was single and my age. I talked mostly with the girls that were there and then as I was ready to leave my friend's H starts to make comments that me and the single guy should hang out some time... like we should all go out to dinner or something. He said, yeah, we should. I was like... ok.

I drove home thinking, that's cool that he wants to hang out but he really has no idea what he's in for with me. I'm such an emotional mess, I can't imagine getting involved with someone else right now. It's like I need a good distraction but it just doesn't seem healthy for me to do that to myself. And even to go out as friends, I feel socially incapable of doing that right now.

It's amazing how much I long to be with someone. I want to feel close to someone again and to have that companionship but thinking about a NEW relationship actually makes me sick. It's such a sick and twisted life. I feel forever in limbo. I'm neither here nor there. Just stuck.

Friday night I took my kids to this really cute witch ride where they take you out on a hay ride to this little witch village. And these funny witches show you around their homes and have these little activities for you to do. Like they taught us a disco dance and we made potions. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. And my D1 was busting out the moves. I love her. That was such a great night with my kids and I couldn't help but think how much I wished H was there.

So I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about some things that I should talk to H about. We literally have not talked for weeks. He can tell that I'm super upset and he has no balls to have a conversation with me. Normally I would just say what's bothering me but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. I keep looking to him to make me feel better and he is not my person anymore. I don't have a person. That's the hardest part. I feel like my feelings are just welling up inside me and I'm about to burst. So I know that a conversation needs to be had with H. I'm just not sure how to approach it and where I want it to go. So hopefully my therapist can help me work through that.