I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you bustingout for remembering me. I have had an interesting couple of weeks. I needed to just sit on some things that happened before posting.

So here goes.
A week ago I told H that I wanted our arrangements to change. I told him that I need to feel at peace with my day and knowing that he is still in a relationship with OW breaks my serenity. "I want to respect you but I can only do that if I change our arrangements."

I told him it hurts to see him in the morning and evenings since I assume he's either coming/going to/from her. I am only leaving him the afternoon to see the kids and "I know that it's not much therefore I'm leaving it up to you to decide how to change the arrangements."

**I told him "I have been working on detaching for the past 6mos and it's been too hard because of how often I see you." He said he doesn't want me to detach. (that was confusing!!)

**I told him, "Instead I feel much closer to you and it makes it harder for me to 'focus on the kids and not the relationship' as you say." He said he also feels a lot closer to me too. (more confusion!!)

**Before we ended the conversation he said, "I'm not doing this for (OW)." Say what?? "I'm not changing our arrangements so I could continue seeing (OW) but so that you could have time to heal." pfff. ok.... (of course I didn't react this way in front of him)

I felt free that night after we talked. I finally felt like I was letting him go.

Well, it's been a week and nothing has changed!! I have been praying for the right time to revisit this conversation. Coparenting therapy? but that's not for another week!
And I've been praying to communicate my thoughts clearly.

Tonite the kids fell asleep before he got here and I text. "kids are asleep in case you want to go straight home." He called and said he was coming over to kiss them goodnite and brought me dinner... d@mn (fingers snapping!)

I called him a bit ago and said, "since you need to go to work early, you don't need to stop by (at 6:30am) so the kids can sleep in." he said, you're probably right. This sounds good, right? but in the past he still shows up! since he drives past our area to get to work.

So now I really don't know if he'll show up and if he does I'll be upset and if he doesn't I'll be ....I seriously don't know if relieved since he never follows through when he says he's not going to show up (when I suggest he doesn't). I'll be more like, "hey, why did he finally listen to me this time???"

I also had some huge self discoveries.
H is more similar to an exbf I had right before H. I used to hate that exbf was so sensitive and I felt I was walking on eggshells. Now I realize that H is the FREAKIN' SAME!!! I realized other similarities. Both grew up with alcoholic dads. Both fit in really well with my family.

I can see myself dating someone just like H and exbf again since I thought both were Mr. Right! Another reality check.

Another realization.
My fear!
I fear abandonment. and I fear being perceived as a doormat to others. When I'm down these are the two negative thoughts that circulate in my head.

I'd like to say I'm doing better but I had a migraine today due to money stress and everything else that I allow to consume my thoughts.

H was worried and kept checking up on me. My friend/neighbor helped me out with S4 for a bit. It was nice that I didn't need to rely on my family for help. Things are a bit weird with them. That's for another post. **H kicked my aunt out of the back apt. more to come later.