My Most Important Week Yet

[pearlharbr]

I will preface my comments by saying that I have not followed AT's sitch since the beginning and I have only read the recent posts on this thread.

That said, I have noticed that the people who advocate staying in limbo by declaring your undying love and doing whatever the wayward wife says she wants/needs are still in limbo themselves. The people who are advising a tough love stance on the affair have done this themselves with success, either by saving their marriage or moving on and now live happy lives.

I'm all for the betrayed spouse taking responsibility for their own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship, for making self-improvements and getting a life. But I know from my own experience and that of many, many others on this forum and other marriage sites that the infidelity must end before you can work on repairing the marriage.

P.S., I'm the Pearl that Chatter referenced upthread. I'm happily married now largely due to the support of Chatter, Starsky and others I met here.

[labug]

Who "advocate(d) staying in limbo by declaring your undying love and doing whatever the wayward wife says she wants/needs are still in limbo themselves."

[Starsky309]

Who "advocate(d) staying in limbo by declaring your undying love and doing whatever the wayward wife says she wants/needs are still in limbo themselves."

Must be the people other than the ones who advocated "tearing down his wife" and "character assasination."

[labug]

That doesn't help. Can you point to a post because I don't remember that happening?

[Arsene]

I think that's what it's all about. Whether you choose to set boundaries and what they are is irrelevant. Each sitch is different and calls for different action/non-action. It's the intent behind what you do and the feeling that motivates what you do that matters.

I'm also dealing with controlling my anger on a daily basis. That doesn't mean I don't recognize it or deal with it. It just means I don't let it define me, my thoughts or my actions.

OTOH, I also realize that one way to deal with that anger is to come here and vent, let go of these thoughts that assail our minds. I realize that this is also necessary but it must just be that. A place to unload that garbage not a place to fuel the fire.

You are right CB, sometimes we just see what we want. I'm sure that AT has a lot of love for his W. I just think CV is pointing out how easy it is to cross that line and start acting out of frustration and anger instead of out of love. I do take in your point about the need to love and respect yourself though. We all have our own ways of dealing with these sitches and our own breaking points. In many ways, it's about how much you can take while doing what seems to be working.

Sorry for my rambles. I hope this makes sense.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Sorry for the sting. I'll refrain from such direct comments if you'd like. I've always been one that preferred to know, regardless of how painful, because then at least I could choose to do something about it.

I know this thread is ending, but I wanted to respond to this point and didn't want to continue it on your new thread, so here goes.

This 180 is probably my most vital one going forward... and I find it IMPOSSIBLE to figure out how to work on this 180 while being "dark"...

But don't you see??? When you're dark is the PERFECT time to work on it! Think about rehearsing a part for a play. You don't rehearse on stage when the performance is live, you do it at home, alone, maybe in front of a mirror. You do it over and over until it becomes natural for you, so that when you finally are on stage (or have the opportunity with your W,) it will be automatic for you. Using a forum such as this gives you an opportunity to "recognize" it (most important first step) and then to respond in an appropriate way and "practice" by saying something like, "I really appreciate your advice, but I don't appreciate your disrespectful comments about my W. Please keep your comments germane to me and my actions, and off of my W's character."

If someone takes offense, you have to wonder at their need to trash someone they've never even met....

First off... DO NOT refrain from direct comments... DO NOT sugar coat it for me... I need to hear these things... I'm just a little over-emotional at times...

And I LOVE LOVE LOVE your comments about rehearsing... And I'm going to take those to heart and into action.

For the record, I don't feel that my W is being personally attacked on the boards... I realize that the comments are often a combination of projection, research, personal experience, and blind guesses... But you know what... I might be wrong about that... Maybe there have been some personal attacks.

And now... I'll be for vigilant in searching that out.

Thank you! You've certainly helped me today!

[AlkalineThoughts]

I will preface my comments by saying that I have not followed AT's sitch since the beginning and I have only read the recent posts on this thread.

That said, I have noticed that the people who advocate staying in limbo by declaring your undying love and doing whatever the wayward wife says she wants/needs are still in limbo themselves. The people who are advising a tough love stance on the affair have done this themselves with success, either by saving their marriage or moving on and now live happy lives.

I'm all for the betrayed spouse taking responsibility for their own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship, for making self-improvements and getting a life. But I know from my own experience and that of many, many others on this forum and other marriage sites that the infidelity must end before you can work on repairing the marriage.

P.S., I'm the Pearl that Chatter referenced upthread. I'm happily married now largely due to the support of Chatter, Starsky and others I met here.

I'm positively honored to hear from you Pearl.. And Starsky, Chatter, Denver and many others are helping me tremendously through my sitch. I'm glad to have you aboard!

I absolutely agree with you that the A needs to end to see positive changes... Its just so hard for me sometimes to simply WAIT IT OUT... even though I know it's the only thing I can do... Aside from all the other things I'm doing to better myself of course!

I have absolutely taken responsibility for all the things that I've recognized thus far when it comes to my role in the breakdown of this R... And while I'm working to better those, I'm working to better myself (and they're not mutually exclusive of course).

Thanks again for your words! Hope to hear from you again soon!

[AlkalineThoughts]

I think that's what it's all about. Whether you choose to set boundaries and what they are is irrelevant. Each sitch is different and calls for different action/non-action. It's the intent behind what you do and the feeling that motivates what you do that matters.

I'm also dealing with controlling my anger on a daily basis. That doesn't mean I don't recognize it or deal with it. It just means I don't let it define me, my thoughts or my actions.

OTOH, I also realize that one way to deal with that anger is to come here and vent, let go of these thoughts that assail our minds. I realize that this is also necessary but it must just be that. A place to unload that garbage not a place to fuel the fire.

You are right CB, sometimes we just see what we want. I'm sure that AT has a lot of love for his W. I just think CV is pointing out how easy it is to cross that line and start acting out of frustration and anger instead of out of love. I do take in your point about the need to love and respect yourself though. We all have our own ways of dealing with these sitches and our own breaking points. In many ways, it's about how much you can take while doing what seems to be working.

Sorry for my rambles. I hope this makes sense.

This makes PERFECT sense fellow soldier-in-the-foxhole.

I'm looking forward to "doing what seems to be working"

I kid... as although I'm not necessarily seeing much progress in my R at this point... I'm seeing a LOT of progress in me (at least when I take the time to look for it).

Coming here to vent has been HUGE for me, especially recently. And the support of all you fine folks is... simply awesome.

And strangely enough... although this thread has taken a life of its own... I think it's been extremely helpful to a LOT of people... and hope it doesn't close any time soon!

But feel free to join us on my other thread... which is a bit more coherent and a little less catty...

But catty can be fun!

[roughenough]

Good stuff Alfo Tango Foxtrot. How's it going AT?

[2chiquitos]

AT,
You had some great great insight from a lot of people. Regarding the boundaries...what are your plans?? I'm curious about your approach.

Take care