Having as much contact with her is good and bad. It makes it difficult to really detach, although considering the circumstances I feel I am doing pretty well. These last few days have been difficult for me as evidenced by my posts. I really need to clear my head so I am going to try and have as little of contact with her for a few days and I think that I am going to not even look at this forum for a couple of days. I am feeling sensory overload. I will check back before I call it a night in a few hours. Then starting tomorrow my mini mental vacation will commence. Wish me luck!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I have also decided to do my best to not think about the OM. If there is one bit of advice that I have taken from here it is that I need my pride and self confidence back. I have never been a jealous person and I am not going to start now. She can deal with the consequences of her decisions, while I am enjoying the rewards of mine.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So after my little mini break from this site I feel pretty good. My mini break from the W didn't go as well, as a our sitch doesn't afford me that time. Although after today I will have a couple of days without having to interact with her.
I was actually at the point where I wanted it to be over. Thinking somehow a D would end the frustration. I think I have a better understanding of what a WAS feels. I feel that going through that has helped me detach a little more. Everyday I fear a D less and less, and once that fear is completely gone, it will probably the time that I will see her coming towards me if it will happen at all.
We have had some positve interactions, chit chat about daily lives and things that don't pertain to the kids. She actually asked what my family thought of all of this. I told her that although they are hurt, they support me, and they want to see our family whole again.
Anyway hope everyone stays strong.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
In the past I have written a couple of letters to my w and left them in a nice card at her place. So tonight before she went to work I asked if she liked the letters or not. She replied that she didn't because they made her feel bad. I am glad to know that. Part of me wants to keep doing it, but it is obvious not the right time. I am glad that I asked, sometimes if you don't know just ask.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So there has been no talk of D in about a week, which is good since there was talk of it for the three days prior to that.
Right now everything between w and I is friendly, and amicable. I am not sure what is going on with OM, or if he even is a OM. It is entirely possible that they are just friends. Either way I have done well to not let it bother me.
There is a Retrouvaille seminar very close to us in about a month. I am wondering if I should see if she would be willing to go? Or do I wait to see more signs other than just being friendly.
I have also been thinking about my 180's. Like I have said before the biggest complaint my W had was that I would make her feel guilty when she would leave the house. In my mind I thought that if we had free time we should spend it as a family. Since this has happened I do see the importance of GAL, for myself and for my wife. So I have been offering to take the kids on nights that she doesn't have to work so that she can get out. The thing about doing this is that it kind of goes against tough love. She chose to leave, so if that means rarely getting a night to herself, too bad. I have also been trying to speak her LL when she seems receptive. It is WOA. Doing this sometimes feels like persuit, but I know that I need to learn to speak this way for everyone that I hold close. It seems that in most of the other sitches I read, after the bomb drop there were things that were said to the LBS, that pretty much spelled out the 180's. So I know that Sandi is right when she said it is a attraction thing. I am having a difficult time figureing out how to do 180's, be mysterious, and touch her heart all at the same time.
It takes all my strength and self-confidence to continue to love her and honor my vows. Yet do my 180's come off as weak and needy?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I just read your whole situation, and I feel your pain. I feel very sorry for you!
I understand your confusion surrounding the 180 of offering to watch the kids. I also made my wife feel guilty for going out. I wanted more together time, but she wanted more free time. A therapist once described it as "me time, us time, and you time." I wanted more US time and she needed more YOU time.
I hope someone more experienced is able to chime in. I'm curious to see what others think as well.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
It feels like about once a week I lose my patience, become frustrated, and feel like I should go and file paperwork. Does anyone else go through this? Any advice on how to push those thoughts away?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
It feels like about once a week I lose my patience, become frustrated, and feel like I should go and file paperwork. Does anyone else go through this? Any advice on how to push those thoughts away?
In my situation, which I now realize has been going on for years rather than separate situations, yes.
I think it's at least once a day where I utter the words, "F you. F the place you've put me, and F the place you've put our family." of course this is usually in the confines of my car... It's the emotional roller coaster. The next minute I miss her more than the world. The next I decide I'm going to be happy and not let this consume me. Rinse and repeat.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I love roller coasters, just not this one. I truly believe that this is a great oppurtunity for growth and self reflection. Something good will come from it.
Something that seems to help when I am feeling that way is that I remember that a d is not going to make me love her less or suddenly stop the roller coaster.
I was at my sisters with the kids tonight. My S and BIL want to set me up with BIL's cousin. I told BIL that I am not ready and that I am married and will act that way. He asked how long it will go on and I told him, as long as it takes.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
It feels like about once a week I lose my patience, become frustrated, and feel like I should go and file paperwork. Does anyone else go through this? Any advice on how to push those thoughts away?
I had this feeling many times. You want to cheat your way through this journey. That's what it is. You want to say "oh to heck with it!" But deep down you don't want to give up just yet.
When you do want to give up you'll do it slowly not quickly. This isn't a race. If you decide to take the quick route, you will only do yourself the disservice.
Also, walk away when they want to set you up or give their opinion "how long will this go on?" This is not helpful. Those negative comments become negative thoughts embedded in your head and it's hard to shake them off! Make it clear that you do not want to discuss your M or R with them!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
