That’s just awesome Denver. ALL your posts are extremely helpful but I am saving this one as a constant reminder. I am starting to realize this is an amazing skill to learn. I am understanding this is an extremely valuable tool for all relationships, if its implemented properly. Yesterday and today have been EXTREMLY overwhelming for me. I had a 5 minute conversation with W yesterday and I've been so mad at myself because I didn't validate. I was hoping W would have talked a bit more but there were a couple things stacked against me, I didn't validate and I caught her off guard.
Anyway, I “might” have made a mistake by calling her today, that’s VERY rare for me. I’ve been practicing my validating skills prior to the call. I left W a message and she called me back. I mentioned that I probably caught her a bit off guard yesterday and I was curious what she meant when she said “things haven’t been easy.” I put on my listening cap and she started talking. She starting doing the exact thing Denver talked about, telling me about whats going on in her life. Then she started talking about some minor concerns with our son, her busy week, etc….She was surprised by my comments yesterday. She said it wasn’t what she was expecting. She went on to say there were a couple things I wasn’t very helpful with when she reached out to me a couple times over last several months. She thought I was vague and that I was a bit short with her when she asked me about my living situation last month. I fumbled a little when she called me out on this one but I pretty much told her that I plan on staying in the house for now. She's also wondering “why now.” She wants to know why I am reaching out to her now? I told her that’s a good question and I needed to think about it and get back to her.
I can’t remember the exact words but she went on to say “Rough, you were pretty standoffish when I asked you a couple questions about finances, housing/living situation and any of your bonus money. I was under the impression we were on a path to divorce”. By me not giving her answers to some of her questions she thought this was a sign that things were over! It was important for me to listen but also remember to validate, which I did.
The conversation was less than 10 minutes and both of us kept our composure. The only time she started to raise her voice is when I wasn’t sure how to answer her question about my living situation. She went on to say that she’s still planning on scheduling an appointment for us to see the joint councilor. We ended the call by me saying "Have a good one" and her reply was "you do the same".
I could use some help addressing my living situation with her. I am also wondering if I should answer her “why now” question? Ive reached out to her twice in two days and I am sure that’s more than enough for a while. We are SLOWLY starting to talk again and I am learning a new way to communicate. All of this is so freakin crazy and I just don’t know what to make of the last two days?
Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
