I think we feel guilty because we're supposed to be "perfect" and if our H's have to help us, then we're not.
We may feel resentment because if our H's weren't in the picture, we would do less cleaning, less grocery shopping (eat cereal for dinner), and less laundry.
Our "roll" traps us.
It's one heck of a spot to be in. What's the solution?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Yeah - there is that "perfect" thing. If H did the dishes my head would say "He's doing that because he's annoyed I didn't" which really wasn't the case. That's a thought I am going to have to get grips with.
Cleaning - I do less and my friends still come by. Grocery shopping - I do less, cereal for dinner is fine BUT I don't "cook" anymore nor eat as well probably. Laundry - I do less because his clothes aren't here
When we ended up spending Christmas w/e together in 2010 inspite of him moving out, I did all the "wife" things and I didn't resent it but then I got undivided attention from him that w/e. I think it's to do with being appreciated...
Journalling Wednesday night - H and I spoke for the first time since 10 Aug Thursday H drove 450miles for work - txt on arrival, I said thanks for letting me know and that I had enjoyed chatting the night before. He said he had too. Friday H drove 190miles to where he will be working for a couple of weeks. Text on arrival 830am (goodness knows what time he set off). This place has limited coms - middle of nowhere. He said he will only have a phone signal when he's at work but not where he is staying. I know not to have any expectations but this is hard for two reasons:
1) Texting is messaging not two way conversation so it doesn't fulfil my need for connection
2) I could send a text and it won't be answered for ages - this causes me to get insecure and that he is ignoring me (I am working on that).
I think H uses texting as a way of control. I don't think he calls anybody. He communicates with everyone electronically. I much prefer conversations to texting. I would like to speak to H instead of texting. I could handle not hearing from H every day if I knew we were going to speak one evening or something. I don't think it's appropriate to ask for this right now - we've only been text communicating for 10 days. BUT I would like to mention this when he comes back. What do you think?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
i think it's his way of maintaining distance for now. any request for him to call might be seen as pressure right now. i would try to accept it for what it is for now; communication with a WAS. some don't even have that.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I'm all tangled in my head. I want to punish H and not contact him. I want to hail a storm of texts about not caring about me. I know that's a thought that I can't prove so I am not doing anything. AND I know that sort of over-reaction pushes H away so I am sitting on the blanket humming Abba-Dancing Queen.
ARGH!!!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM
FRI H text on arrival where he will be for two weeks. I text him my goodnight early (2100hrs) informing him that I was unwell, temp, chills etc. I didn't expect a reply as he said he doesn't have a signal unless he is at the work site.
SAT H text at 2300hrs saying he'd only just got the text, asked how I was and hoped I was ok. I was asleep
SUN I text H mid morning and said no change, sleeping on and off. I had mini expectations that he would chk on me somehow but he didn't. I text good night and that I was still feeling weird/like hangover at 2300hrs. He text back immediately "good night" nothing about me being ill for 48hrs. I asked how come he could text, was he working? He replied he had a weak signal that comes and goes depending on weather. He ended it "Get well soon".
TODAY - NADA.
I am feeling like a 5yr old who wants some attention. I didn't text this morning and I know it's a Tumbling Test to see if he is concerned for me. This is so childish.
Is it because I am a girl that I would care about his wellbeing, even if I was away at the other end of the country?
Is it because he's a guy - single focused, big project kicking off today - that I went clean out of his mind this morning when he woke up and hasn't had time yet to check in on me?
But now what? If H, worrying that I am going to flip my biscuit because he might have done something wrong, is now in avoidant mode, am I to send a txt tonight?
If I send a text then it's all me again and I am back at that horrible place of no ansa which drives me more insane.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Second...is he really doing anything different than he would have done in the past with a big project kicking off? I only ask, because i know that some of the behaviors of my H that i have questioned being a direct result of me are actually not. Its just ...the way he is....
I agree with SS...just accept it for what it is for NOW...
You are ok Tumbling...you are doing more than ok....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, thanks. I asked a similar question of Wendylon yesterday because I wonder if we focus more on negative things due to the situation and sometimes it's just the way they are.
So now I pose it to myself. Is this normal H behaviour?
Yes, even before he worked, I can remember a time when I was ill and he didn't call that night. And I went ballistic in an email that he didn't care about me. He replied that he did and that he had thought of me but hadn't contacted me.
Yes, even before BD and he was working away he wouldn't text me every day.
Bit calmer now and recognise I have to work on that insecure trigger some more.
Thanks again
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
