If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[shelly_shore]

Hang in there WS

[wont_stop]

Hello all, been a while. Well things are moving along, we are getting separated in about a month, though it will start as of July. She is still in the fog with her boyfriend and we are still heading for a divorce, unfortunately.

I really wish I knew about this site from the beginning. The things I did in the first month really did push her away too far. She tells me its that stuff that made her want the OM more than me, and that she wants to give him a chance. I'm afraid nothing I did after that really helped much, as she was too far gone.

I really appreciate all the help I got here. It helped me to survive the most difficult time I ever have experienced.

[shelly_shore]

I'd be careful about calling this guy a "boyfriend" to her or anyone. Just call him "infidelity partner".

When you call him boyfriend you validate what she's doing. Every time my husband called my infidelity partner an infidelity partner it stung.

I bit my lip each time, but it did sting.

And for what it's worth, this guy is not in any way her "friend."

Make it known how you feel with your word choices. We do recognize the distinctions even if we don't say anything.

[shelly_shore]

By the sounds of it wont-stop you are making her decision to leave EASY rather than making it COMPLICATED.

Are you calling this guy her "boyfriend" when you discuss her affair? Don't do that.

Are you letting her feel she can return after she's experimented and tested the waters with this guy? Don't do that.

You just validate her affair, making her decision to walk out EASY.

When I was cheating on my husband he made the decision to continue my affair easy by doing the same things you are.

He made me feel OK about what I was doing, he made it clear he would take me back at any time if I changed my mind.

It just made me WANT to leave, WANT to cheat, WANT to continue the dark road I was on.

Make her decision to exit the marriage difficult for her, make her THINK LONG and HARD about what she's doing.

By the sounds of it you are just handing her off to this guy.

Don't argue, don't fight, don't be mean in any way, but make it abundantly clear to this woman that her affair is a ONE-WAY ticket only, there is NO RETURN TRIP.

THAT makes her THINK.

[shelly_shore]

Just an update.

We start mediation next Friday. I'm trying to avoid communication with her, but she keeps wanting us to be friends.

Just tell her "I have no interested in being "friends" with a person who abandons a marriage and a family for another man... "friends" don't do that to one another.

Tell her you two won't be friends, you are co-parents only. She cannot have her cake and eat it too.

I found out she introduced the OM to the kids. I went and demanded she never do that again. I threatened to go for full custody if she tried it again and I am contacting my lawyer to see what my course of action will be.

Excellent.. keep the pressure on her to think about the consequences of her choices.

She obviously is not interested in R. Just hanging in there until we can get a separation agreement.

Until she realizes she's LOSING something she's not going to worry about it.

Make it clear to her you aren't going to be a support system, friend, or "go to guy" anymore.

She is either with you 100%, or him 100%.

This forces her to make a difficult, rather than an easy decision.

I am not suggesting you turn her into the enemy, but she has to realize you two wont' have the same relationship you do now... That will be out the window if she chooses divorce.

This must appear as a dilemma for her. You or him. She will work every angle she can to keep BOTH of you on a string. THAT is the line you must cut.

Cut her out, so she knows it's ONLY him now. This WILL make her THINK.

[shelly_shore]

Be sure when you cut this "friend" chord with her that you aren't aggressive about it.

Just make her aware you aren't' interested in being "Friends" with people who break up families or households.

Not mean, just matter of fact.

I would imagine this statement is very much true, so it isn't a hard sell.

Matter of fact, not mean, or vendictive. Just be calm and direct.

[wont_stop]

Thanks Shelly, I'm trying to keep my distance from her. She was gone all weekend to her college reunion with the other man. I didn't respond when she got back and tried to pretend me and the kids had a great time. We did, but I felt awful that she took that creep. She got back and I made it clear I'm on my way out. I had searched for houses and let her know. She gave me allusions that if it did not work out, we might get back together. I told her that I know our relationship is over, that I have no plans that we will get back together.

It really [censored] when the one you cared so much about no longer returns that love.

[shelly_shore]

Well, you don't want to announce it's over. You want to announce you won't take her back if she LEAVES.

You DO still want to save this don't you?

If so, she needs to know NOW is the time to back out of her affair. That will nag at her to know there is no return trip.

I assumed you want to save your marriage and want to give her an out.

That's how you do it, you make it clear that if she does leave, there's no coming back.

If you just announce your marriage is over, SHE will give UP TOO.. and just do what you dread the most.

Don't make her decision EASY. Announcing your marriage is over makes her decision easy.

Maybe I am not explaining this well..

[shelly_shore]

It really [censored] when the one you cared so much about no longer returns that love.

She can't return anything when she's infatuated with a creep.

Just stay confident, resolute, and don't allow her to disrespect you.

Don't be pessimistic about your marriage OR a doormat.

Don't tell her anything's over. Just warn her if she doesn't consider her children and her marriage soon there will be no coming back. Warn her that her children will innocently suffer for her recklessness.

The kids always pay the price for this sort of thing. She needs to know there will be a price to pay.

Right now she's shopping on credit. The bill will arrive in the mail eventually.

[Arsene]

Hey Won't Stop,

Just wondering where things stand now. How are you doing mate?