What should I do? Which technique to use?

[MrBond]

"She told me that I'm not welcome b/c "they know what's going on". I did FB message her dad and stepmom and got no response, so I'm reasonably sure they truly don't want to talk to me."

These people donʻt deserve you. Theyʻre shallow and selfish.

[jzoom]

Last night we got into it a bit b/c she got back and it was all weekend of me being pretty much alone (which I've told her in the past, I'm tired of feeling like I'm single every weekend when I have a gf) and I snapped at the kids and then she just was pulling stuff out of the car. I had offered help and she didn't say a word, just kept pulling stuff out so I walked away. Of course, then she got pissed b/c I didn't help her and we went back and forth about it.

She tells me she doesn't understand why last weekend when she wasn't around it made things better and this weekend when she wasn't around things got worse. She says that she's at her breaking point with the kids if I yell at them or anything again b/c I'm not their father, I'm her bf. She tells me she knows that I've been checking the history on the computer (which I have been) and doesn't understand why I can't trust her.

She says she gave me ONE reason not to trust her and I tell her calmly it was a one BIG reason. She says that she tensed when I touched her back that morning and she's working on herself (even though she won't tell me what she's doing) to get herself back to accepting my touch. She says that she gets the feeling I don't want her around b/c she won't be intimate with me (and defining intimate as touchgin, hugs, kisses, and sex) and she knows I have needs. She says she's not going to have sex with me for awhile.

I say to her, "you're my girlfriend, do you want to work on this and make things stronger?" She says yes, that she's been trying, that's why she was around last Wed night and hasn't been going to the club where she would be around ppl I could accuse her of cheating with. She says that she's just been spending time with family or at home and that's it.

I don't say anything last night about not wanting her around but it's very tense through this morning. In bed last night I almost told her, "two weeks, two weeks for you to start getting intimate with me or work on moving out, your choice", but I kept my mouth shut. Before I leave for work I tell her in a calm way that I know she wants trust and an upbeat, relaxed attitude from me. That I can't just talk about it, that I have to show her, and that those are the things I have to work on. I tell her that I have to do those things but that I need companionship and intimacy in a relationship. I tell her that I understand she can't just jump right back into it, that she'll have to work on it just the way I have to work on my stuff. I say that if she wants this R to work that those are the things we need to work on. I finish up by telling her that if she doesn't want to do that then we need to figure that out. She doesn't say anything so I just tell her to have a good day and she says thanks.

Since this is just a gf and not a wife, there's no marriage, it's not like I'm losing my house and car and stuff through divorce, I decided to jump to Phase Four of MMSLP. That's where you state your intentions, I've told her I expect compainionship and intimacy and if she can't or won't deliver that then this isn't going to work. I didn't do it in a mean manner, I did it in the way where I acknowledge my weaknesses and explain that while I want things to work out it can't be all one sided. In my head, I refuse to keep supporting her and her children and sister with zero in return and some vague "maybe you'll get sex from me months from now if you're a nice guy".

My plan now is to go right back to DBing and my goals. I'm giving it one month from now and if I don't see any improvement on her end I'm ending it.

[jzoom]

I am very tempted to text her while I'm at work here and tell her that I'm giving it one month. We both work on what we need to work on and if there isn't improvement from one or both of us the R is over and she moves out.

[jzoom]

What is also weird is that after we got into it last night I started thinking about giving her an ILYBINILWY talk. Right now, I really don't feel "in love" with her.

[jzoom]

So...I'm posting this on here first b/c I don't want to make a rash move...

So since I've gotten the ILYBINILWY talk so I should be doing LRT...but LRT is about detachment. There's the 180's I should be doing, which is the opposite of LRT (except I know I have to stop snooping and can't say ILY) because she wants to feel wanted. We used to text all the time, talk all the time, she even told me that when I pulled back from texting that it hurt her, that I needed to talk to her. So I'm supposed to be upbeat around her and text her and pull out more of the beta qualities and make her feel wanted...she just last night told me she feels like I don't want her around...

So, I want to text the stuff below to her. I want to send it each break as a different text. Is this chasing behavior? Am I best off just posting it here and forgetting about it? Or, since this isn't marriage, since she feels abanonded, do I send it? Do I take out the sexual aspect at towards the end? We loved sex together...ugh


Texts:

You keep asking me "who is she?" I want to confess, there is somebody. I just can't get her out of my head.

I've known her for a little while now and we butt heads sometimes. We're both a little brash but romantics at heart.

She's smart, like scary smart sometimes. She's funny too and I like it when she laughs. She's got this great smile and beautiful face.

Don't get me wrong, she's got this banging body too, curves in the right places, it's perfection and I dream about holding it.

I really want this girl in my life. I know she's into me, no matter how much she tries to deny it, she loves me and I love her.

Her name is *girlfriends name*.

[MrBond]

Did you really read DR or DB? Everything that you said you did or are going to do goes against DB.

The LRT means that you accept breaking up. And go through the motions to do so.

She said she's trying to work on things. You make demands on her for her loyalty which won't work, because how would you like it if someone demanded something from you?

Ultimatums like what you said you just did to follow MMSLP isn't going to work because you're "forcing" her to make a decision when it should be done out of free will. You are still trying to control the situation.

Re-read your "text". A lot of the points are what YOU want. PRetty selfish. You have to balance out your needs with hers.

[jzoom]

That's why I didn't sent that "text" and figured it a safer option to post here rather than keep getting tempted to send it.

The ultimatums, well I'm pretty much at my wits end, I'm starting to wonder if I want to bother anymore. Hence why I'm on the verge of saying ILYBINILWY, it's a sucky position to be in.

Perhaps I've now made it clear to her that she is replaceable, that if this ends I'm going to survive, that if I want to end it I'm going to end it...hence why she said, "I feel like you don't want me here."

It's coming off crueler and crueler though I guess. Making demands, you're right, it doesn't feel good. And me having a 1 month deadline for change, well that's turning me into the WAS instead of the LBS.

I'm already pissed again today b/c I found out that she made plans for this Sat night. So once again, no kids and she's heading off with family. I might as well be single at this rate.



Ranting and raving aside, proof is in the pudding right? Last week when I stopped asking questions, when I didn't text her all day, when I was just upbeat and content around her, things ever so slightly got better. We have a nice Wed night. It's after I stopped those things that it went back to such a bad place.

So, I have my answer, if I want it to work with her then I need to do what I was doing last week and make sure not to backslide again. Focus on the goals I outlined, the behaviors I will be doing, and the baby steps I'll see. Get rid of the internal deadline and just have patience.

[MrBond]

Yep. But also don't be taken advantage of either. I mean she's the one using you.

[jzoom]

MrBond, you're confusing me...

One time you're saying to kick her out. Then it's pay attention to DB. Then back to don't be taken advantage of.

So do I stick with the MMSLP that I've already set up, see what happens, and realize the R may end soon? Or do I go back to DBing?

[MrBond]

Again, its important for you to read DB and really understand it. DB means to do what works and right now you've been going all over the place.

The fact is that you did everything she wanted with no result. In fact, she is the one who should be thankful to be in your life. DBing teaches you to BE the better alternative by changing for the long term and fixing whatever issues your gf had against you.

You did some of this, but mot in any consistent manner. But during this time you kept setting timelines that she had to meet which doesn't work. You have to convince her that you really are the best option.

And if she disrespects you, then she can leave and you'll be happy in the end.

MMSLP is about being the alpha male and working on attraction which works to a certain degree, but if she hasn't seen you change for the better and the same problems are still there, being the alpha alpha male doesn't matter.