I just keep hearing echoes of her words toward me about not fighting, about how she wanted me to chase her up there and camp out on her front porch until I got her back...
She said that? About now?? In your previous post, you indicated that you asked her if there was anything you could do NOW, and that she just responded with confusion. Don't take the "camping" comment out of context. If it was in reference to before, it isn't now. You can't go back in time.
Yes, this was something she said that she HAD expected me to do. That she was so confused that she was met with silence when she left... That she was expecting me to go to these types of lengths to get her back...
She referenced the movie "Last Kiss" and said that was exactly what she thought I'd do... sleep outside her house in the pouring rain for days if that's what it took to get her back... She was shocked that I decided to do nothing of the sort... That instead I just let her go...
I explained that I completely understood why she thought that way. Then I tried to explain (which was probably a mistake) that after she left me, I had to try something new: Listen to her words and actions... She told me she needed time and space, so I gave it to her... She PROVED that she needed that time and space by moving away, so I fought my every instinct to chase her up there... And just tried to LISTEN to her and give her what she was asking for... Time and Space to find herself... to be alone... I explained that I didn't want to be an obstacle to her happiness, that I didn't want to interfere with something that she told me she needed so badly... even though I WANTED so badly to chase her and beg for her to come back...
Ladybug was shocked as well that I did not chase and beg and beg her to come back. I tried it at first. But I saw quickly it was not working. So I stated my boundaries and stuck by them. It was tough for a very long time. Very long time. But I did see some good changes from my actions of a steady silent strength towards the affair, towards the anger and towards the blame shifting.
She figured out eventually that if she wanted to communicate with me that she had to be civil , honest and polite. She could not be angry or blame me for her choices. She said the silence hurt her. I replied that her lies and the affair hurt me. That her making choices about my life without any input or consideration of my feelings or health hurt me. That it was very selfish of her to be with OM and expect me to be at her beck and call when I was working through her actions and trying to heal. That I stated my boundaries and I stuck by them. She came to respect that in time. As well she commented on how I always remained a gentleman with her. That i never badmouthed her to family , friends etc.... That I never threatened her. She also said that me telling the truth hurt her feelings...( wrap that one around your head ) We had a fair separation. If there is any communication that needs to be done now about family or tieing up loose ends. It is done with no bitterness or resentment. For you see I did not restore my marriage but I restored the respect level. Which went from the level of : Affair , cake walking , lies and gas-lighting to what it is now : She knows I am a man of dignity and values who would not compromise those values or boundaries. Her family feels the same way. See you did well by giving her, the space to find herself. Do not let that silent strength and commitment to healing yourself and not becoming bitter be taken away from you by anyone. Yourself included. Some people think that being quiet , honest and thoughtful as a sign of weakness. It is not. You are not being walked over , you are not controlling, you are not placing unattainable expectations. You simply said. You know what. I love you. I want to have you as my wife. But I love myself as well. The only way my marriage with my wife can thrive and grow is if my wife loves me, treats me as an equal. Works with me on decisions. Loves me and no one else. As my lover and my best friend. So do not beat yourself up or second guess yourself. Just look inside again and find that inner strength you have.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
