The crack in my perfect life...

[AnotherStander]

I'm not sure if you've read DR, but if not then please do. The first thing you have to accept is this is not all your H's fault. I hear you blaming him over and over again and talking about him being mentally ill even. You have to accept that A)there may be nothing wrong with him except unhappiness and B)you played a role in his unhappiness. You need to sit down and write a list of your personal wrongs in the M and do 180's on those right away. It is VERY important to not continue "more of the same" behavior!! This is keeping you in limbo and preventing recovery. He doesn't want to come back to the old W and old M, but he may be drawn back to a newer/ better you.

There are reasons he sought out EA's. What are they? What is your part in it? How are you different from the you he originally fell in love with? What can you do to become that woman again? Become that woman. Make yourself a more appealing alternative to the OWs. Don't talk to the OWs, don't talk to your H about them, don't concern yourself with them. Work on YOU. Negate his needs for them.

He is in a very emotional state right now and you shouldn't expect to be able to reason with him (it sounds like you think you can). Don't argue with him, just validate his emotions and feelings. See DR for tips on this.

I asked for him to not contact me anymore.

He responded very coldly, verify when you get it.

I have been so upset tonight because of his coldness and I actually beleive that I'm going through withdrawals from no contact.

Why? He's just fulfilling your wishes. You told him not to contact you anymore! What I'm reading over and over again is you order him to do something, then when he does it you get upset. Just to clarify, men can't read minds. If you say something but want something else, don't expect it. You need to make your expectations very clear. If what you want is 5 days of no contact so you can think about things and then you want to talk again, then tell him that. Don't tell him "don't ever contact me again" and then sit around moping and wondering why he doesn't call!

I know this is best, but its so hard.

Is it best? Is the situation improving? Or getting worse? Because good DB'ing is frequently taking stock of what works and doesn't, and making adjustments.

I just don't know if he is going through MLC or mental illness or what.

Well if it's MLC then you've got a long, bumpy road ahead of you. It could take years to resolve as Cadet said.

but I cannot help but to feel that he may realize what he is losing, although I think by now (8 weeks gone) he would know.

No, the timeline is months or maybe even years. 8 weeks is not the end, it's just the beginning.

But now, going dark seems to make him go cold and mean.

How do you think he perceives your treatment of him during this phase? Have you lovingly detached from him while still showing him compassion? Or have you been cold and distant? Is he simply reflecting your behavior back on you?

I want to keep my marriage, but wonder if he is too far gone now or just really sick and needs mental help.

Read DR. It's not about him, it's about what you can control- YOU.

Here are a few DB 180 tips for you to consider that seem relevant to your sitch:

-- successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life.
-- successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty.
-- successful DBers validate their spouse's feelings even when they disagree with them.
-- successful DBers have clarity about their life and their goals.
-- successful DBers make a commitment to be in this for the long-term. They know that this will take time. So they become the master of patience. They make time their friend.
-- successful DBers also make sure they focus on themselves in every way.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.