My Most Important Week Yet

[chatterbug]

Thanks for responding to my question, AT. No, for the most part, it wasn't rhetorical. My basis for the question was in line with the thinking laid out in labug's post:

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

I do understand that this is very hard for you. But if you need to make yourself feel better by tearing down your W, or converse with someone that is, then what have you gained? There should be a way to handle this situation while still treating your W with the same dignity and respect with which you would like to be treated. If you accept ANY ownership for the course of your R, which I believe you do, then you should drop the character assassination and defend her against those that are. Remember the part about fighting for her? Well this ain't it. If I was your W and read any of this conversation, and your participation in it, there would be no reconciliation. Period.

It's one thing to seek advice on what you should do or how you should handle the situation. It's another thing entirely to listen to someone trash your W. The best way you can feel good about yourself is by acting in manner that warrants it.

That is sure some selective reading you got going on there.

So since were cherry picking apart AT's thread... Lets add some balance to your feelings on AT.

This weekend is also the opportunity I've needed to have a conversation with W about our R, mostly about how although I'm fighting for our M every single day, I can't continue to be a part of her life so long as OM is in the picture. As you can no doubt tell, this is extremely nerve-wracking for me... Not only to have this long-overdue conversation, but in weighing out the ramifications of said conversation.

While many of my physical changes will be evident right away, I've also been given the theater that my wife may be able to notice the mental changes that have occurred as well. If she doesn't, well then she doesn't, but at the very least I'll be proud on Sunday that my changes are for real and lasting, and don't wilt under the stare of my W.

That I'll be able to have this conversation, set my personal boundaries, show W that while I still love her and want our M to work, I won't be an option or a doormat. While I'm fighting for our M every day, I won't be fighting alone while she is with OM. And while I love her tremendously, I've learned to love myself at least as much as her, and I know that I'm worth fighting for too. Maybe one day she'll see that, and maybe she won't. But I do see that today, and my goal is for that to become more and more clear to myself with each passing day.

The problem you're having is what a lot of us guy/fixer/pleaser types do: you're thinking that with just SOME perfect combination of words and phrases, you might get your wife to see the light and get her back.

It doesn't work that way.


I think the problem is, you're not ready to hear her say what she may say. Until you get to that point, you really can't (or won't) lead. Not that either is better or worse, it's just where you are, acting on emotion.

You gotta lead your life. This is one of those moments. Like it or not.

what you allow is what will continue.

Do you know your what your non-negotiable boundaries are? Start there. Live within them. Shape your conversation to them. Speak the truth. Lead.

Thanks Chatter. That's exactly what I'll be doing. My non-negotiable boundaries:

I will not be an option

I will not continue a relationship with W for as long as OM is in the picture in ANY way

If and when W wants to come back to our M, I will require proof that OM is out of the picture for good

If and when W wants to come back to our M, there will be new ground rules for open communication, especially when it comes to problems with either of our unhappiness in the M.

I will not debase myself and compromise who I am to try and save our M any longer.

These boundaries are non-negotiable. I will frame my conversation around these, although I know I don't have to explicitly state them.


Start being confident in the life you want.

Start living that life.

If that is the life she wants she will want to be apart of it.

I married her because I thought we'd both be happy for the rest of our lives. At this point, neither of us are. I don't want to be an anchor to her happiness, no matter how much unrealized potential exists between us. I can't force her to see herself through my eyes. I can't make her believe the things I see in her. And I can't let myself get bent out of shape because of that. I've tried my hardest, I'll continue to try my hardest, but I won't let myself suffer for things I can't change.

First, I wouldn't bother to take the photos down. I have no doubt that she'll notice, but who cares. You are still married, you still love your wife, and you're still fighting to save it. I continued to leave my pictures up during my separation too.


......


Yep looks like lots of character assassination going on....