Woody Allen once said, quoting Groucho Marx, that "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."
The response to your wife -- that you will SOMEDAY reiterate to her again -- is this:
"So let me get this straight: you responded to your unhappiness in our marriage by deciding to have an affair, and when I found out about it, I was supposed to . . . woo you? Fight for you? Be okay in an open marriage? What? I'm sorry, but not only would that violate my OWN boundaries of personal integrity, but I don't even understand how you would WANT to be married to someone who WOULD do that. Maybe your OM will be that for you, but that's not me, and frankly I LIKE me right now."
Starsky, I'm gonna need another script... because I delivered that one yesterday... practically verbatim! I literally hit every single one of those points, even the jab at OM. It's nice to feel validated... No matter the sting that is sinking in the longer this morning drags on.
Hmmmm. Well I hope you don't mind a small 2x4, but I have been reading along in this thread and have read everything from the big convo forward today and I really feel like you fell short in validating your W's emotions. It sounds to me like you spent a lot of effort telling her why she's wrong and you're right. While this is exactly what we ALL want to do with our wayward spouses, DB is quite clear in stating that it's not the right approach. Our spouses are not thinking clearly, they're in a fog. Logic and reason are on vacation. They've built a stone wall around themselves and emotions are guarding the only gate. Argue with their emotions and emotions throw another lock and chain on the gate. Validate their emotions and the gate starts to slowly rumble open. This is not about being right or saying what we want to say, it's about navigating the minefield of their crazy emotional state on their terms rather than ours. When she said she felt like you didn't fight for her, she doesn't want a lengthy explanation on why she's wrong. She wants her emotions validated. You and I both know she IS wrong, that you HAVE been fighting for her. But again, this is about her emotions and nothing else right now. Her emotions need to be validated regardless of how crazy they seem. This doesn't mean agreeing with her, it just means acknowledging how she feels and showing understanding towards that.
And now a 2x4 to the DB community, I'm surprised at all the arguing going on in this thread. The beauty of these forums is there is a diverse population here. Men and women, young and old, LBSs and even reformed WASs post here. EVERYONE has valuable input, and no opinion should be dismissed as worthless. Diverse views should all be presented here and the person in question (AT in this case) can sort through it to decide what they think works and doesn't work for their particular sitch.
It's nice to feel validated... No matter the sting that is sinking in the longer this morning drags on. 