Dear Lapoo I too am going through a bad time. My H started communicating with ow again. Throws everything out of whack for me. My emotions are up and down. I snooped. They tell you not to. Because it does bring heartache and pain if you find out they are still doing something wrong. That's where I'm at. It's tough. I am sure it was mentioned to read Divorce Remedy. That may help.
It is so very tough and the emotions are what get you. I too am resenting my H. We also talk but since I found out about recent contact I am not ML. I also am not sleeping with him right now. I myself may be separating due to this. But I found out in Feb and my H is not currently doing much to make the marriage work except talking and telling me how stressed he is due to work and life (he is in MLC). So perhaps read the book I mentioned and I know others on here will give you good advice.
Ask him. Tell him that you are afraid to open yourself up to him again physically and emotionally because you are not sure if he has been trustworthy. Tell him that he needs to rebuild that trust.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good luck asking the question. It's so hard to trust a S who has been unfaithful. I asked my H that question several times and he always answered it was over--but it wasn't. He became an amazing liar.
He said that what made him stop lying was my calling a L to file for D. He was scared back then, and promised to be faithful. But when I asked to have access to his cell phone account, he hated it. I actually found some old lies he had never come clear about. I found myself checking his calls every day. It was awful. I'm not sure how to best approach these kinds of stich, so I'll be interested in hearing what other people have to say. My advice would be: time. Only time will allow him to stop the A and to both of you to trust each other again. But he must stop the A. Good luck...
Although timing was there, I did not ask the infamous question. I was tired and distant again last night. H asked me what was wrong. He said I seemed like something was bothering me (Duh). I decided not to ask because I did not want to be lied too. I want evidence that the A is over and I just can't rely on his words so I didn't want to wasted much needed energy. Right now, I don't know if I will ever trust him again. Thoughts of leaving him have begun to enter my mind and I'm scared.
Lapoo, your feelings are normal. I woke up EVERY DAY for 6 months thinking I wanted to end my M bc I couldn't trust my H again. Then, a shift happened. He had stopped lying, and his family started showing more support. But then it was too late for him, and he changed his mind about his committment.
Anyway, have you thought about exchanging letters with your H? If talking doesn't work, maybe a letter will do? Think about it. I'll let you know if I think of anything else.
Well, I finally asked H if he was still contacting the OW and he said yes that he talks to her every once in awhile. Said he didn't deserve me and he knows that he is continuing to hurt me by not stopping the communication. Mentioned separating for a while as he hates to come home sometimes to face what he's done. (blah blah)I didn't make a big deal about it. Just took it all in and kept that in my think tank. Told him if he wanted to separate that would be his decision. He cried immensely, I think there may have been something going on with him and the OW to initiate that but I cant be sure. We've been spending more time together talking, going out, ML, etc.etc. but he still leaves the house and is gone for several hours especially on Sundays which seems to be his designated day for himself. He is also not completely focusing on his job. Last night he left the house around 3:00, I was already gone visiting relatives and got home around 5:00. I checked to see if H was going to be home for dinner. H said he was visiting his sister and they would probably have dinner together. I don't believe that but I said okay. I kept busy, trying to get my house back in order as I have neglected the upkeep, did some laundry, then went out and had dinner alone around 8:00. I got home around 10:00 and went to bed. I'm not sure what time H came home but he woke me up and said, "thank you for giving me my space tonight". I assume he said that because I did not text him while he was out nor did I question where he was going or when he'd be home. He smelled like beer and cigarettes and wanted to ML. H is not doing anything around the house such as yard work and simple repairs. It's almost like he can't sit still sometimes. He's giving off so many mixed signals. I continue to work on detaching but I get sucked in so many times. I need to get a better grip on my emotions. One of us has to have some self control.
Oh..I forgot to mention another one of the mixed signal he's done recently. He brought 24 red roses to my job with two cards. He said he truly loves me and not sure what is wrong with him. Said he wanted us to work on our relationship and to be patient with him. Two days later his is crying and talking about separation. It hurt me so bad to see him cry like that. I've never seen him in so much pain. So hard for me to deal with his rollercoaster of emotions and cope with his infidelity at the same time. I don't know how to respond. All I can do is tell him I understand (validate his ever changing emotions) and say I will not interfer with his decisions. He's a train wreck and so am I. I must detach..any more suggestions?
I desperately need a distraction right now. A friend of mine suggested that I join an online site while I'm working on detaching and GAL. The site is called POF-Plenty Of Fish. Any of you familiar with this site and what's your take on joining an online site as a conversational tool? Apparently you get to select the type of interaction you would like with someone and there are single, separated, married and divorced people on this site.
