I screwed up and ruined everything for good this time. H was home, sitting in the living room texting, I was at the table with my daughter. I was panicky and asked him to leave which led to a huge blow up of me telling him I knew he was lying and what he was doing and I couldn't live like this. He proceeded to lay it all out - he's with her, its physical he doesn't want to be with me anymore, doesn't love me anymore. He's not leaving the house, but he will be gone every second weekend. Told me I ruined his life, and my daughters life and even if he wasn't with her he wouldn't want to be with me. He has lied because he doesn't want me to freak out and is just trying to be civil. He said he will fight me for custody of our daughter. He's on his way back home now (just went to the store). I don't know what to do.
No, we have no where to go. We talked for about 2 hours. He said I'm not thinking about him or our daughter by asking him to leave. And I would just piss him off even more if I force him to. He said I don't deserve a second chance and he could never trust me again. He is going to stay here until the house sells so our daughter can adjust to separate parents because he's going to be gone every second weekend. I asked him to give me a chance what else could I say. How should I proceed now?
Yesterday we went to thanksgiving dinner at his aunts house. I did my best to be myself but I was so sad it was hard to keep a smile on my face so I just focused on making sure my daughter had a good time. H pretty much ignored me most of the time but did initiate some conversation and I caught him staring and watching me quite often. Saturday night we actually did a puzzle together with our daughter (because my daughter asked) but its mostly stoney silence with each other. It appears my biggest issues are him not thinking right now I deserve a second chance and him being scared to trust me again. Not sure how DBing can help me now. I've read the saying "believe none of what he says and half of what he does" so if he's not talking to me, still going to have a PA relationship and then if he goes away this weekend, I asked him not to - I asked him friday night to step away from her and to take a chance and take the first step - altho I still believe he is going to go, all I can do is wait and see. But if these are his actions, then I have to believe it is over? I'm really struggling on which route to take with the going dark, 180s and GAL. He told me would be pissed if I forced him to leave the house and then the more time he spends at home, the less time he is with her. From what I know of OW, she has no friends so my H is basically her life right now which makes this even more difficult because I feel she will do or say anything to keep him in her life.
I screwed up and ruined everything for good this time.
No, you're OK! We all backslide now and then. Don't freak out, it's salvageable! Just remember, his emotions are running things right now. He'll say mean, hateful things. That doesn't mean there's no hope, you've just got to stick with DB'ing and work on yourself. He needs time to sort through his thoughts and emotions. You need to give him time and space. At this point he knows your position, so don't put any more pressure on him. Just give him room. Work on improving yourself. It is REALLY important to have a PMA around him right now, even if you're faking it at first. Don't be down and depressed around him, you want to be beautiful, upbeat and happy! Dress up, look your best. Change your hair, whiten your teeth, update your look. Do it for you, but rest assured it'll get his attention. Get out on your own more, see friends. Be mysterious. Don't make this about him, make it about YOU!
And if he draws you into an emotional convo in the future, remember not to argue with him. You need to validate his emotions rather than argue. Tell him things like "You sound like you've given up on our M, you sound frustrated and I can understand why you feel that way, I'm sorry for my part in your disappointment and frustration." You're not agreeing or disagreeing with his position, just validating his feelings.
There's always hope! Don't get discouraged, there will be many highs and lows. You're barely over a month since BD, his emotions are still going to be in high gear for months yet. Take a deep breath and settle in for the long haul. Good luck!
Remember your 180's. If stony silence is what you gave him during your WAW stage, then it's time to do the opposite.
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It appears my biggest issues are him not thinking right now I deserve a second chance and him being scared to trust me again.
Those are not your issues. They are his issues. Do not think of them as your issues, because they are completely beyond your control. What is within your control? YOU. Work on YOU and let him work on himself.
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Not sure how DBing can help me now.
It can help by teaching you to detach and improve yourself. These are the opposite of the begging/ pleading that we feel inclined to do. Begging/ pleading drives WAS's away, detaching and improving ourselves makes us more attractive to them.
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But if these are his actions, then I have to believe it is over?
Many marriages have survived infidelity. It's not a deal killer unless you decide it is.
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I'm really struggling on which route to take with the going dark, 180s and GAL.
180's- sit down and write a list of everything you have contributed towards the M falling apart. Think about what your H has told you and put those at the top of the list. Write down ways you can do 180's on those things. Implement them immediately. If you're having trouble, consult DR, Michele gives some great advice on how to develop the list. Post your 180's here for feedback from the vets.
GAL- well this is a no brainer. You need to do it regardless. Even if you reconcile you need to GAL, because if 100% of your life is spouse-based then it'll never work. Rekindle old R's and create new ones. Pick up hobbies, especially those that allow you to meet new people. Invite people out to lunch and dinner. And be vague with your H when you're going out, keep him guessing.
Going dark- hard to do when you're under the same roof. Going dim is even tough. I'd recommend working on your 180's while you're both under the same roof so he can see them. Save going dark (LRT) for the separation if it happens.
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From what I know of OW, she has no friends so my H is basically her life right now which makes this even more difficult because I feel she will do or say anything to keep him in her life.
R's like that don't last very long. No guy likes being smothered. If she doesn't have a life and you do, guess who is going to look more appealing in the end?
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
If you want to drop the rope then that is your choice. But don't think it's over just because he is saying and doing hurtful things. It's not over until you're done trying.
As much as he is hurting me and trying to justify all of his actions, I really don't want to give up. Everyone says I should but I still have fight left in me. I may need some anxiety meds, have others tried those? We had a chat about the ring, he thinks he was justified in selling it. Said it was his because we broke up. He sold it about a month ago he said to pay for his lawyers fees which he also didn't tell me about til after he went. So now I have to really dig deep and start GAL-ing, just for me. No more "chats", no more pressure, I'm going to start following DB to the letter. He's not leaving the house so I guess I should try and use it to my advantage. But I have to get my anxiety and emotions under control even if I have to fake it (which I will). I am also going to start my goal setting and think about some boundaries. I have some more good articles from here to read through tonight. Regardless of him, I have to be happy again, if I'm not happy then my daughter isn't either and I can't have that.
