Help on how to behave

[25yearsmlc]

I would respond, but only in writing. Otherwise there are too many chances of escalating and debating every little thing. I'd limit it to, at most, 2 or 3 paragraphs. I'd mention something about you hearing how underappreciated she felt and that you are sorry you contributed to that.

Here's how to say it without escalating AND without feeling like a doormat but with some validation AND signs of awareness on your end that you could do SOME things better/differently, and will for the next r...with or without her. The point is, CHANGE in you.

(And this is a good phrase to use generically anyhow)...

if she brings up something you feel has SOME validity to it or that you regret, OR is simply how she feels, you validate this way:'
"W, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

(This shows also that you are capable of change and that you "get it" now. Not that you are taking on ALL the responsibility for the problems but that from this day forward, things could be better/different).

No WAS will come back to a marriage unless they believe it could be better/different. Remember that. You cannot "correct" her revisions of the past but you CAN show her the new you AND

you can hope that time and space will allow some good memories to resurface. Do not challenge her choices or you'll force her to defend them some more.

If she says something that makes NO sense to you or you literally have no recall of, OR you know is factually wrong, do not assume she is "lying"

(I had a memory of something so different from my h's, that I believed my h was out and out lying. But our youngest d corrected ME & spoke up and I had almost called him a "liar". It was ME just blanking out. You never know, we all have flawed recall at times of stress)

But if you really believe it's out of left field, you can say, without offending,

"Gee, w, I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry if you were hurt."

Hope that helps.

On a separate note, since she has a page of grievances that go back YEARS and she has a huge scorecard you are too far behind on to make up for, ever, (not saying she won't drop it someday but you have to show her the way on that. Like NOT having a scorecard of your own. they really don't belong in a marriage).

You can summarize her feelings (grievance list) with "w, you have a lot of anger and pain about things in the past, some of which I regret b/c they were my responsibility. And If I had it to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently.

But w, your list of complaints literally goes so far back that I cannot recall these events, though I know you included things your prior h did, not me. For instance,--- (then tell her) the video scan story. That is NOT even about me. It's about your prior h.

Regardless, I realize your main point remains the same, that you feel trapped and underappreciated b/c I didn't speak in your love language enough, and you are under/unemployed. I can see how frightening that must feel. I hope I can help." SIGNED, h...


Even If you have apologized for things in the past, (but especially if you have not_) you can once more say you are sorry for your faults or your sins, things you did or did not do.

But your focus should Not primarily be on the past. It's a lot of re=hashing the past and it tends not to produce much consensus anyhow. That is why a lot of mc's don't help much.

I'm fairly convinced we cannot fully agree on the past as a couple. Too much emotion and perspective to see it objectively. And what's the point of it if the couple really wants to improve things, from this day forward? We must let go of the past.

This is a solution based approach so it's more like "what are you going to do from this day forward, that is better?"

How about

"I'm sorry you didn't feel appreciated enough in the past. I'm sure I could've done better then and will do better in the future.

I have already apologized but I cannot fix the past. So I'm letting it go and I'm staying focussed on today. I realize your main point is that you feel underappreciated and trapped by your financial situation. I get that and I"m sorry you feel that way."


Do not engage in a verbal discussion with someone who holds a grievance list this long. She's rationalized leaving, and this list is her rationalization list. And I'm sure she left some things out.


***As for money issues, talk to the L. You don't have to commit to anything at this point unless you know you don't want to.

I don't know your whole sitch so I can't address the guarantor issue.

I'll post more later.**