FY thanks. I keep thinking not to reply. But when she starts confusing her events from her previous marriage with ours I feel I need to point that out to her. I would not be disagreeing with how she feels. But making it clear I will not be confused with her ex H.
In someways I think the letter is a treasure as she has finally told me how she feels and why. I felt like the first few weeks were an act on her part. i.e Keep things sweet with H, find house, move out, I never have to tell him what I really think of him etc etc. I could see the anger even then and she has started to let it out the last few days. This is how she really feels .
I think this (and more) will have to come out of W before she can even think of seeing me a different way. So in some ways thats a positive? right?? Im taking what I can get at the moment
I would respond, but only in writing. Otherwise there are too many chances of escalating and debating every little thing. I'd limit it to, at most, 2 or 3 paragraphs. I'd mention something about you hearing how underappreciated she felt and that you are sorry you contributed to that.
Here's how to say it without escalating AND without feeling like a doormat but with some validation AND signs of awareness on your end that you could do SOME things better/differently, and will for the next r...with or without her. The point is, CHANGE in you.
(And this is a good phrase to use generically anyhow)...
if she brings up something you feel has SOME validity to it or that you regret, OR is simply how she feels, you validate this way:' "W, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
(This shows also that you are capable of change and that you "get it" now. Not that you are taking on ALL the responsibility for the problems but that from this day forward, things could be better/different).
No WAS will come back to a marriage unless they believe it could be better/different. Remember that. You cannot "correct" her revisions of the past but you CAN show her the new you AND
you can hope that time and space will allow some good memories to resurface. Do not challenge her choices or you'll force her to defend them some more.
If she says something that makes NO sense to you or you literally have no recall of, OR you know is factually wrong, do not assume she is "lying"
(I had a memory of something so different from my h's, that I believed my h was out and out lying. But our youngest d corrected ME & spoke up and I had almost called him a "liar". It was ME just blanking out. You never know, we all have flawed recall at times of stress)
But if you really believe it's out of left field, you can say, without offending,
"Gee, w, I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry if you were hurt."
Hope that helps.
On a separate note, since she has a page of grievances that go back YEARS and she has a huge scorecard you are too far behind on to make up for, ever, (not saying she won't drop it someday but you have to show her the way on that. Like NOT having a scorecard of your own. they really don't belong in a marriage).
You can summarize her feelings (grievance list) with "w, you have a lot of anger and pain about things in the past, some of which I regret b/c they were my responsibility. And If I had it to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently.
But w, your list of complaints literally goes so far back that I cannot recall these events, though I know you included things your prior h did, not me. For instance,--- (then tell her) the video scan story. That is NOT even about me. It's about your prior h.
Regardless, I realize your main point remains the same, that you feel trapped and underappreciated b/c I didn't speak in your love language enough, and you are under/unemployed. I can see how frightening that must feel. I hope I can help." SIGNED, h...
Even If you have apologized for things in the past, (but especially if you have not_) you can once more say you are sorry for your faults or your sins, things you did or did not do.
But your focus should Not primarily be on the past. It's a lot of re=hashing the past and it tends not to produce much consensus anyhow. That is why a lot of mc's don't help much.
I'm fairly convinced we cannot fully agree on the past as a couple. Too much emotion and perspective to see it objectively. And what's the point of it if the couple really wants to improve things, from this day forward? We must let go of the past. This is a solution based approach so it's more like "what are you going to do from this day forward, that is better?"
How about
"I'm sorry you didn't feel appreciated enough in the past. I'm sure I could've done better then and will do better in the future.
I have already apologized but I cannot fix the past. So I'm letting it go and I'm staying focussed on today. I realize your main point is that you feel underappreciated and trapped by your financial situation. I get that and I"m sorry you feel that way."
Do not engage in a verbal discussion with someone who holds a grievance list this long. She's rationalized leaving, and this list is her rationalization list. And I'm sure she left some things out.
***As for money issues, talk to the L. You don't have to commit to anything at this point unless you know you don't want to.
I don't know your whole sitch so I can't address the guarantor issue.
I'll post more later.**
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ok I have decided written response would be best. Validating how she feels, that I am sorry she sees things this way, but also advising her that there are points here that do not relate to us.
As a bit of background I was overjoyed when W was pregnant. I even went out to buy his first bath and toys at lunchtime. Why would I not be interested? it was the best feeling ever. My mum never ran my bank accounts at 26. I had ony just moved back home after house sharing with a friend. He went back to College and I could not afford the rent on my own. W bought her first house at aged 23.
Re money when she was pregnant we were fine. W was planning to go back to work after maternity leave anyway so it was not an issue. Jacob was born in May 2000, I started a new job in November 2000. Jacobs issues did not become recognisable until he was around 6 mths old. I went to all the appts with W, thought we supported each other!. When we knew one of us woudl have to stay at home we talked about it for a long time. Given I had the better earning potential and would need to support us all, I stayed in work, qualified as an accountant etc to ensure the family did not suffer through 1 wage not coming in. Early years were difficult on all of us. I did tell my boss about things at home and he gave me a months special leave straight away so I could focus on home. I used to do my fair share of getting up at night with jacob and going to work the next day. Was always involved as much as possible. If anything I would say me and jacob had the better relationship. I used to take him to the ducks a lot, we did the food shopping together while W was at football with eldest S. We spent all weekend together.
At every promotion or exam pass I would buy W flowers and thank her. Its funny cos this was a real happy time in our life even with Jacobs difficulties. Every stage of my exams I got a pay increase, things were looking up, W seemed more happy, we were making plans for future etc, like the stresses of the previous period were going away and it was a new chapter in our life.
thanks 25yrsMLC. Made my last post before reading yours.
I think she is still raving mad for the guarantor issue. I think the letter is intended to work on that. Sandhi2 warned me of this and I am trying not to get too drawn in.
I agree re changes but unless i have a completely skewed version of our history then the changes I am doing are the only things I can do. Honestly, I am not the type of H who spent every night and weekend out doing my own thing or in the pub.
She text me saying she wants to talk later. That given we had not talked about it she was the mature one by making the first move. I know she will not talk about us, but the issue with being guarantor. We had talked about it before, she resorted to name calling and storming out. She has not let this drop yet and is still pressuring.
Lots learned. I feel I have pretty much detached. I am at the point were I don't care what she does. But am worried that my love is fading. For the first time I have thought about positives of being single. That worries me.
You're into this less than 2 months, so don't depend on any particular feelings you have on any particular day. Your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for quite some time, one day you'll be patting yourself on the back for being detached and ready to move on and the next you'll be on a crying jag wanting to corner W and beg her to stay. If this sounds like the voice of experience it's because it is, LOL!
AnotherStander, yes u r right! I have reached a point of emotional calm but yes this can change! Just spoke to W, calmly at first and then another barrage from W now about how I don't trust her enough to pay her rent, don't support her, how she hates having to ask me, then do I want her to beg, that I owe it to her and the kids, that she is asking this one thing for me to support her with.
Bottom line, I cannot afford the rent if she defaulted. She can barely afford it and given her track record with money it is a risk. I don't trust her in this mind set, she has been lying about various things for months re OM. Truth is I don't think she wld have any issue dumping me with the rent as well at the moment. I know that sounds horrible, but how do I trust someone who has lied, thinks what she does about me in the last 12 months. I cannot risk it. If I was sat on a pot of money then it maybe wld be different. But I am not! She thinks I am trapping her, that she has no choice but to leave and that she has no other option to find a house unless she has a guarantor. Which has to be me cos no one else can do it.
I can understand her position but she thinks I can't possibly understand otherwise I would do it. That I don't care about her etc
Not sure about DB it feels like I am on the path to a quicker divorce! But I just can't back down on this and am making things worse. She even asked me to move out, well shouted at me to move out. I said it is her choice to move out, I accept that is what she wants but I am not going anywhere.
She said she wrote the letter to explain why this was so important for her.
Okay-i am starting to feel like this is a make or break sitch now! That she will look back on this and remember how I did not support her. That any chance of friends has blown out of the water.But that is what she wants me to feel? Like this is my chance to redeem myself and I failed.
I am v confused about what to do now. Our relationship has just taken a nosedive, I have confirmed her feelings that she is doing the right thing because I can't possibly care about her and kids. Communication is at an all time low.
Presumably just keep going? And expect even worse?
I am waiting for her to admit affair - she knows that will hurt me and she is all out for that at the moment. Once she admits to this I think the worst will be out. But then she loses the victim status with family and friends so I may be wrong. I think her family have seen thru this anyway. Her sister has asked me to go over for a weekend and her family told me that our sitch does not change anything with them. I am not telling them anything and encouraged them not to try and talk her round at the moment. Just to be there for her if she does want to talk.
Any advice anyone? Do I continue down this path or try and change course.
If you give in now you've lost all future credibility. Any time she wants something you’ll get the same treatment. Add to that you're likely to end up with the extra debt.
I’m pretty sure that you believe that giving in will not fix the marriage, so why do it?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Cheers FY. Yes, I have no choice but to stand my ground. I just hope its not been the nail in the coffin. It is v tough and the sad thing is I understand her predicament.
But backing down is not an option now. It wld cost too much. I do think this will make or break moment in the future. One of those things that she will look back on and resent, or respect me for.
But time will only tell. For the moment I need to try and difuse this so that we can get back to at least an amicable status.
I think we prob do need some space after this to cool off. I stayed calm by the way. I have tried to be assertive and explain my decision. I said I was not looking for her to agree, but that she should accept it as I wld not re-consider. That I understood her position and anger.
For the record this has been an awful decision to make! One of the worst.
But thanks for the support. It is helping get me through this one.
. 