Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm posting in purple/blue to try and be clear.

Sorry Rough, I've got this question for Accuray and don't quite know where to post it. Thanks mate!

Hi Accuray,

I found this from you while going through Crazyville's posts.

I can share this for you from my own marriage -- my W has feelings of inadequacy that don't have anything to do with me. I have an achieving personality type, so my quest to improve myself and my situation exacerbates her feelings of inadequacy. Many of the people on this board who run into marriage trouble describe themselves as perfectionists.
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***** to ME, her feeling inadequate MAY have something to do with her h. Maybe He's critical and judgemental OR at least, she feels he is. So the "achieving personality" would not affect her if he were affirming enough to her,

unless she's so fundamentally insecure that she's not capable of feeling alright about herself no matter who she married. I don't buy that an "achieving personality" in itself makes a woman feel unvalued or unloved. Sorry, but I don't buy it. If it's true, it'd be obvious that she's very insecure. If it's only in the marriage that these feelings surface that tells you something.***


This can create a dynamic where our spouses feel they can never be good enough, that they can never meet [b]our high expectations, and therefore they don't try.[/b] In my W's case, she felt that nothing she did would ever be good enough, and even if she did deliver "what I wanted" there would just be another request behind that one for something different and it would never end.


To ME, that^^ means there are numerous requests and "tasks assigned" and it never ends. Why else would she only expect yet more, once she has done what was asked?


My IC described this as creating a climate where your spouse does not feel "safe". They feel that whatever they do will be scrutinized and judged (even if you don't ever actually do that),

Especially IF YOU DO THAT and come on, this is not happening in a vacuum.

that nothing they do will be as good as how you would have done it, and that their efforts will never lead to acceptance. In response, they retreat, withdraw, and nothing you do will inspire them to try.

Accuray[/color]

I believe this is what my wife has a problem with. She told me she was always afraid to let me down.

That says something then. Take it in and see why she'd feel that way.


Now after yesterday's convo with her, I left her without judging or criticizing. In fact, I told her that I didn't agree with her seeing OM

So you don't think that sounds a tad "critical"? Um, Okay...and did you think SHE NEEDED to know you didn't agree? As if She didn't already know that?

To me, you just reiterated what she KNOWS and has known...why?

but I accepted the fact that she was and that perhaps it's what she had to do for the time being. I'd welcome your comments re: how your post to crazyville can help my sitch. Thanks

On the whole, the conversation was better than it might have been b/c you both cried and hugged and were able to have some resolution feelings later. but have no more of these or it's going to make her uncomfortable. I'm glad she said this is the most honest talk you've had.

I'd leave out ALL the stuff about not agreeing with OM. Who would "agree" with it?

She said she was "in love" with OM. Ouch. Glad you didn't lose it then. Good for you. And She also said she'd be alright without him...okay.

All you had to say was that you believe you two might find each other again someday and that you are glad she helped you change....b/c you have.

ANd leave it at that.

Also SIDENOTE---so you CAN take your d out of the country?

You may seriously want to do that someday soon...like let's say in a year or two.

B/C you cannot stay there forever, with custody solely in her hands. Too unsure and unstable for your d, imo.