what's sad is that i didn't expect anything in return except love. and now that i know i can't expect even that, i won't be giving anything, either; only polite courtesy, unless they don't return that. then i'll just stay away.
it's hard to find out what people are made of but better in the long run because we learn to protect ourselves and not to be vulnerable with those who don't have our interests at heart.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hi Ro, I'm sorry you didn't see the short-term improvement you were hoping to see. Reading along with your sitch though, I felt like you and H seemed stuck. You've shown H you are making changes and some space/distance could really help him get clarity. He hasn't had the "opportunity" to miss you yet or really experience life without you.
If he doesn't come to his senses, at least you will find out and be able to move on.
All I can say is that my H and I have separated, rarely spend time together...but we aren't any worse off than when he was spending more time in the house. In a way, it's much better because he doesn't see any negatives.
It's all painful and very up/down emotionally. Hold your head high and keep working on yourself! I can tell you are an amazing woman.
Hugs, NB
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Thanks for checking in BK, timbits, Bug, SS, and Nblost.
I've had mostly good days this week. I talked to a friend who has been a WAH to his wife twice. Listening to him talk about his sitch didn't help my day. Then I talked to my mother for the first time since H left. That went ok. I got a little teary eyed but that was it.
Last night a bit of loneliness hit me, so I went and hung out at one of my girlfriend's house. It helped to be around her kids and laugh about nothing. But of course she wanted to talk about my sitch. I did talk a little bit, but not much. Frankly, I'm tired of talking about it. I feel like I've done nothing but talk about it for the past 9 months. Maybe I need a break from it all. My friend made a good point last night. H left because he needed space. This is the longest I've gone without talking to him. But no matter how much I want to talk to him, I need to let him have this space. It just [censored] that its right before my bday. LOL
Just for a call from MIL. Said she had planned to call but didn't know how to or what to say. Said they wanted me to know that they still loved me and were praying and fasting about our sitch. She doesn't believe its over and still has hope. I told her it was good she had some because I do not.
She said H has not told her anything other than he needed a break. Apparently not that he didn't want to be married. He hasn't really told them anything and she says she can tell he is not himself, and isn't talking about anything to anybody. I did tell her that he had been like that for some time and I had told him that I was worried about him as well. I told her I had done all I could, but there were things going on with H that I couldn't fix.
She also wanted me to know that I am welcome at their house any time and she hoped I wouldn't come to NC and not stop by. I broke down then and told her I couldn't promise that because right now, it just hurt too much. She said she understood, and that she'd be calling to check on me.
I'm not sure how I feel. I mean I'm glad she called, but it just made me cry. It's all so very sad. :-(
ro, i wish my MIL cared enough about me to do that. you're very lucky to have a MIL who will make the call to comfort you when it has to be uncomfortable for her.
you've only been married 3 years to my 15. i've not heard one word from my MIL nor my H's three sisters. all of whom i've done so much for and give so much to.
your MIL has character.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
ro, i wish my MIL cared enough about me to do that. you're very lucky to have a MIL who will make the call to comfort you when it has to be uncomfortable for her.
you've only been married 3 years to my 15. i've not heard one word from my MIL nor my H's three sisters. all of whom i've done so much for and give so much to.
your MIL has character.
Which makes this whole thing even more sad. We aren't that close, and for her to tell me all that did mean something. I also made me realize I am losing part of my family, just like I told H.
I made the mistake of telling my mom, sis, and aunt that MIL had called. I got everything from I'm glad she called to don't believe what she said and you never have to go to her house again (We have at least 2 - 3 gatherings with both families every year). My mother was the worst. I know part of it is that she's been hurt by men herself. I finally had to tell them (again) that I didn't want them picking sides and this was between H and I. Guess I won't be sharing much anymore.
My aunt saw SS at the fair last night and she said he came right up to them and hugged her and everything like things were normal. I love that kid! I still haven't talked to him since he doesn't have a phone, and he hasn't responded to my FB message. So I feel bad about that.
And then the question of how dark to stay. H wanted to keep in contact and I told him that it would be hard for me, so we probably shouldn't. He didn't like it but agreed. Which means I'll have to be the first to initiate contact, which DB says not to do. We need to have the finance conversation soon, too. I'm at a loss as to what to do during all this. Call or not call? Write an email, don't write anything?
I've been laying here thinking for the past 2 hours...how is it that MIL has hope for my M and I have NONE? Makes me sad. So needless to say I've been an emotional mess since that phone call. I guess I've also been talking about it alot, which does not help me at all. Maybe for some people, having long drawn out conversations help. Not so much for me. I've always depended on just me for the most part, so I'm having a hard time leaning on people during all this.
I'm not even sure if I'm making sense here. Guess the emotions are starting to come out?
Just had a text convo with H. Said I had been on his mind, and that he wanted to reach out, but didn't think I wanted him to. I was honest and told him that I had never gone 2 or 3 days without talking to him, and it was hard. I told him on one hand, I wanted to talk to him, but on the other, talking to him reminds me of the situation. He said it has been really hard not talking to me. I jokingly texted back, But you still didn't call. LOL" He sent back "LOL Ok. :)"
He was talking to his uncle about a job, and his uncle talks alot, so he said he was gonna call me tomorrow. I think he thought I was wanting him to call me tonight. I just said since he had family over, I'd let him go.
This is so crazy to me. Why would he still want to talk to me? I told me this before he left, and I didn't understand it then either. You can't be married to me, but you can talk to me every day? REALLY?
Hey Ro. I'm sure there are many theories about what your H is thinking/feeling when he says stuff like that but in the end, unless he's willing to tell you, its all mind-reading. And that typically does not turn out well for any of us..:)
I hope your week goes well. Regardless of what your H decides to do, your journey is far from over and there are very good things along the way. Keep looking for them and don't let the confusion of others distract you from those good things. They are meant to be blessings for you so enjoy them.
And as far as this statement:
Maybe for some people, having long drawn out conversations help. Not so much for me. I've always depended on just me for the most part, so I'm having a hard time leaning on people during all this.
Think about this some more for yourself. Its ok to be independent, but don't be misguided to assume that means being closed off to others. I could be off-base on this so if it doesn't apply, you can discard it.
Something I'm working through is about living with an open heart. From what I can tell from life, study, reading, etc, that to fully enjoy life you have to be willing to open your heart to all the good things around you. That however comes with risk. Any time we open our hearts we make ourselves vulnerable to being hurt. We're all human and imperfect so even when we don't try we still hurt one another.
But consider the opposite. To protect ourselves we can close off and guard against that type of hurt. It can work, but the risk here is never allowing ourselves to fully enjoy the intimacy of relationships. We each have to decide which risk is worth taking for ourselves.
Take time in comfort, heal a bit...and then get the @*#*! back out there and live!! (((Ro)))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Thanks for checking in ces! I'm trying not to mindread. It really won't do any good at this point. He told me he didn't want to be married anymore. If that doesn't say it all, I don't know what does. I doubt very seriously we can come back from that.
I understand what you mean about being closed off. It's not that I am closing myself off to other people. Have a closed my heart off to my H? Probably? But I am trying to let others support me as I go through this process. It's hard for me to accept help when I'm normally the one fixing things for others. Hopefully I will get there soon.
I will think about this though. I'm trying really hard not to become bitter. I know in order for that to happen, I have to live with an open heart. I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to get there.
