Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[Arsene]

Sorry Rough, I've got this question for Accuray and don't quite know where to post it. Thanks mate!

Hi Accuray,

I found this from you while going through Crazyville's posts.

I can share this for you from my own marriage -- my W has feelings of inadequacy that don't have anything to do with me. I have an achieving personality type, so my quest to improve myself and my situation exacerbates her feelings of inadequacy. Many of the people on this board who run into marriage trouble describe themselves as perfectionists.

This can create a dynamic where our spouses feel they can never be good enough, that they can never meet our high expectations, and therefore they don't try. In my W's case, she felt that nothing she did would ever be good enough, and even if she did deliver "what I wanted" there would just be another request behind that one for something different and it would never end. My IC described this as creating a climate where your spouse does not feel "safe". They feel that whatever they do will be scrutinized and judged (even if you don't ever actually do that), that nothing they do will be as good as how you would have done it, and that their efforts will never lead to acceptance. In response, they retreat, withdraw, and nothing you do will inspire them to try.

Accuray

I believe this is what my wife has a problem with. She told me she was always afraid to let me down. Now after yesterday's convo with her, I left her without judging or criticizing. In fact, I told her that I didn't agree with her seeing OM but I accepted the fact that she was and that perhaps it's what she had to do for the time being. I'd welcome your comments re: how your post to crazyville can help my sitch. Thanks