See CV I think you are posting advice to AT on what you want to happen in your life.
There was a time when I wanted that to happen, though not anymore (too much water under the bridge.) I believe perhaps AT's wife did too, at one point, based upon what she said, though there may be too much water under the bridge for her as well. I think I'm just posting from the perspective of a WAS instead of a LBS, which by default, will make my perspective different than most. AT needs to choose what works for him and throw away the rest.
Quote:
See one thing we do know is that AT was clingy and it did not work.
I disagree. As someone said in an earlier post, it was good for her at one time. Instead, I see the dynamic more like this: AT: Here's some affection... AT's W: Thanks, but what I really need is LLx. AT: Oh, okay, here's some more affection. AT's wife: You're not hearing me, what I need is LLx. AT: I hear you. You need LLx. Here's some more affection. AT's wife: I don't want your freakin' affection!!! I want LLx!! AT: Sure you do, it's wonderful, have some more. AT's wife: I HATE your f'in affection! I'm leaving so I can get some LLx!!
There's a lot of talk on here about LL's (love languages.) We all need some of each, but we also each have our priorities. I doubt sincerely that AT's W was opposed to AT's affection, simply that it wasn't her priority LL, and her priority LL wasn't being met. The problem with thinking the OP will eventually just fizzle out is that that person might actually be meeting the WAS spouse's LL needs. They don't have to be perfect, just better. Apparently, W's OM exhibits something that looks more like "fighting for her" than AT's affection does. (Is the OM the ex BF?)
If DB advises doing 180's, in order to address the WAS's complaints, then how is going dark addressing the complaint that AT didn't fight for her? Cleanliness? Sure, clean up more. Working too much? Sure, cut your hours. Dumping the responsibility of the kids too much? Sure, take them to the park or a movie, spend more time with them.
But responding to her complaining that she doesn't like it in c. Fla by offering more affection? Or responding to her complaint that you didn't fight for her by going dark? These actions just don't make sense to me. Maybe I'm falling prey to "believing what she says." I've never been one much for playing games and admit I don't do them well.
I put together a little montage of the comments made about your wife/sitch, in this thread alone: Do not be second any more; she is disrespectful to you; she will only lie anyway; I wouldn't believe her if she denied it anyway; I will not debase myself and compromise who I am to try and save our M any longer; This is also a woman who, when the going got tough... well she left; Stop being afraid of losing a poor partner; She left you; She blamed you; She is involved in an inappropriate relationship with another man; She does not have the decency to follow through on her actions and file; I won't let myself suffer for things I can't change; Why would I want to be with someone who I have to CONVINCE to be with me?; She would have a few weeks of ML and letting you all touchy freely around her and then she would shut it all down again; I know others will tell you not to leave her there alone, and I agree if you don't trust that she will only take what has been agreed upon; I keep finding out that she means more to me than I do to her; At this point, she doesn't want to be with me... She doesn't want to work things out... She thinks she is happier now than she has ever been (and maybe she's right); Believe I deserve more than this; so I say again, who gives a F about where she stands?; she isn't going to change her behavior because or you or anything that you say or do; She is a roommate who skipped on rent and used you as a storage facility; And yea when she leaves you will be Whisky Tango Foxtrot; with reference to the pictures? Just pack'em up for her and tell her she can have them coz' you no longer need them; Give nothing . . . EXPECT nothing; This line about not fighting for her, don't give it a second thought. I got it too... and it is B.S.; And yes, in MANY ways, what the WAS is doing is crazy... delusional; She was actually her natural self ... HER PROBLEM = COMPLAINT = YOU CHANGE SOLUTION; And MAYBE it wasn't the right technique to bring her back to the M...But it WAS the right technique to get me where I am today; I can't continue pursuing someone who hurts me consistently; emotionally healthy relationships aren't that fragile; she'll know you're there waiting for her to be done with her fun; You see she got used to you failing her s*%t tests; No doubt she has never had someone ignore her or call her out on her s*%t test. This is a lesson you need to learn for the rest of your life for all women do them; One thing you need to think about as well is if you do decide to get back together is if you can live with the disrespect of her family; I think you definitely confused her and f$%ked up her game plan; I think the affair and leaving says more of I do not love you than "fighting"; The other thing we know is that his wife likes to play the blame game with AT; Most people will take the lazy path with you if you let them.
With this widely-supported opinion of her, why in the world would you want her back?
Well, the assumption is that she is a woman of quality when not wayward.
