Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

Hey Arsene, I will need to drop by your thread because I want to know what happened!

Another reason I want to keep it simple is because so many other things could come up that I need to be prepared for. I still don’t know how to respond if I have to respond to her infidelity. I need to know a good response for today or if comes up down the road.

Denver once said, “that’s disrespectful to you, me and our family, that’s what I think about that, period” 25 recently said that it’s not good for me to hold this over her head because very few WAW’s will come back if they know they will be riddled with guilt.

[roughenough]

Denver, your exactly right about being “dim” because she only lives 5 minutes away and we exchange the kids on a regular basis.
I will see W in about 5 hours. I don’t think it will be a problem to talk with her for a couple minutes because I know she wants to understand what I am thinking.

I am going to simply say, I do care for you, I do love you and I am not giving up on you, no matter what happens.
She could say, “why didn’t you show it?” I think the best response would be, W, you wanted your space and that’s what Ive given you.

[Arsene]

Thanks for popping by Rough. Life is good. After all.

[roughenough]

Yep, you got that right Arsene. Love the attitude! I will be having a conversation in a couple hours. To be honest, I am not expecting anything to come of it. It cant help matters but a little communication needs to start.

[25yearsmlc]

I need to put some thought into that Denver. I can speculate but I cant put my finger on it. Our sex life was pathedic and she usually needed to be drunk. I really wish I could ask W why we didnt have an emotional or physical connection. I would love to know the answer.

this^^^ is very significant. Explore it. Especially why you didn't ask her about it, and what specifically was "pathetic" about your sex life.

[25yearsmlc]

I need to put some thought into that Denver. I can speculate but I cant put my finger on it. Our sex life was pathedic and she usually needed to be drunk. I really wish I could ask W why we didnt have an emotional or physical connection. I would love to know the answer.

Something that I found to be a good read when I was learning about emotional intimacy and how it coincides with physical intimacy. You might find it interesting as well. The website has other articles on emotional intimacy too.

"What Happens When Your Wife's Need for Intimacy is Not Met?
By Gary and Barbara Rosberg
America's Family Coaches
(c) 2000 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Used with Permission

She will withdraw.

When you sense your wife's wall going up, you know that something is very wrong. From a woman's perspective, it means that her husband is not a harbor of safety but a threat. This pattern of withdrawal can do significant damage to a relationship. And if this remains unaddressed, over time you can end up as two strangers coexisting under the same roof, sharing meals and the same bed but walled off from each other emotional.

Take a look at the guy in the mirror and ask the hard question: "what have I said or done to contribute to the wall my wife has built?"

Much of the time a woman will withdraw to protect herself if she is threatened by something you are doing or if she is feeling verbally attacked. When your words are positive, they strengthen the very foundation of your marriage. But if your words are critical, harsh, and destructive, your wife will retreat to protect herself. If you are using retaliation to her, if you are belittling her, you are throwing bricks at her and bruising her heart; she may then take those bricks and continue to build the wall. Take the lead, and address the pain. Become responsible for the tone of the relationship, and get back on course, especially if you're guilty of contributing to the pain.

If you see any of the following danger signals, your wife may be withdrawing, isolating herself, protecting herself from being hurt:

- Is your wife acting distracted?

- Does she maintained a distant relationship with you?

- Is she spending more time than usual at work or in other activities?

- Is she too busy to be intimate with you?

- Does she avoids spending time along with you?

- Do the children seem to be a higher priority for her then you are?

A woman can hide behind the wall, where she can flee by staying busy with a full personal calendar that doesn't have your name on it. When a woman seems cold and emotionally frozen, some men will make the mistake of trying to get her to snap out of it, by "setting her straight." I assure you, this is no way to win your wife back. If you intimidate her by rage, anger, or demands, she will withdraw even more. She will stay locked up and frozen.

She Will Not Feel Free to Respond to You Sexually

Husbands tend to interpret their wife's resistance to their sexual advances as rejection. Often her resistance is not rejection, however, it is an indication that she may not feel safe for that she can't get beyond a conflict the two of you are having.

Mike is a workaholic who wins at work. He thrives on conquest, whether it is people or deals. Fifteen hour days consume him. He's proud of the lifestyle he has provided for his wife, Peggy. After all, he has achieved the American dream of having it all: a large home in a gated community, a three-car garage with two new cars, and his-and-her snowmobiles.

But what defines success in industry doesn't defines success at home. The work that provides all the toys is nothing other than the "other woman" in Peggy's eyes; work is the mistress that is robbing her of her husband's focus and attention. She's being squeezed out of his daily planner.

When the doors of the master bedroom suite close them off from the rest of the house, the two people inside are closed off from each other as well. Mike may conquer at work, but he's not winning with her. If he truly cared about her, he would be as eager about spending time with her as he is about spending time at work. Most days he is so spent by the time he gets home that he doesn't have the emotional energy to satisfy her heart needs, and Peggy responds by rejecting his sexual advances.

If a man wants great sex with his wife behind the bedroom door, he needs to work on the way he relates to her outside those doors.

She May Look Elsewhere to Have Her Needs Met

Another consequence of your wife's unmet need for emotional intimacy is that she may become involved with another man. This is a worst-case scenario, but it does happen. If a woman is not understood and cherished, if her need for emotional intimacy is not met, she becomes vulnerable to other men who show interest in her thoughts and emotions.

If another man makes your wife feel comfortable and safe, validating her thoughts, and sharing her emotions, you can be headed for trouble. In all likelihood, this man will be someone she encounters in ordinary daily life: your best friend, a neighbor, her boss, or a fellow associate. It will start out very innocently with a few conversations here and there. The more compassionate or empathetic he is, the more dangerous it becomes."


http://www.marriageintimacy.com/emotional-intimacy-4.htm

Valuable^^^^^^....

[Arsene]

Sorry Rough, I've got this question for Accuray and don't quite know where to post it. Thanks mate!

Hi Accuray,

I found this from you while going through Crazyville's posts.

I can share this for you from my own marriage -- my W has feelings of inadequacy that don't have anything to do with me. I have an achieving personality type, so my quest to improve myself and my situation exacerbates her feelings of inadequacy. Many of the people on this board who run into marriage trouble describe themselves as perfectionists.

This can create a dynamic where our spouses feel they can never be good enough, that they can never meet our high expectations, and therefore they don't try. In my W's case, she felt that nothing she did would ever be good enough, and even if she did deliver "what I wanted" there would just be another request behind that one for something different and it would never end. My IC described this as creating a climate where your spouse does not feel "safe". They feel that whatever they do will be scrutinized and judged (even if you don't ever actually do that), that nothing they do will be as good as how you would have done it, and that their efforts will never lead to acceptance. In response, they retreat, withdraw, and nothing you do will inspire them to try.

Accuray

I believe this is what my wife has a problem with. She told me she was always afraid to let me down. Now after yesterday's convo with her, I left her without judging or criticizing. In fact, I told her that I didn't agree with her seeing OM but I accepted the fact that she was and that perhaps it's what she had to do for the time being. I'd welcome your comments re: how your post to crazyville can help my sitch. Thanks

[25yearsmlc]

Denver, your exactly right about being “dim” because she only lives 5 minutes away and we exchange the kids on a regular basis.
I will see W in about 5 hours. I don’t think it will be a problem to talk with her for a couple minutes because I know she wants to understand what I am thinking.

how do you KNOW that? And whatever you do, keep it short. Don't ramble or they'll only recall what hurts. Be the one to end the conversation UNLESS she keeps going. Then just STFU and listen and then listen some more. Only when she really wants you to speak, do you. And keep it simple and positive.

I am going to simply say, I do care for you, I do love you and I am not giving up on you, no matter what happens.


I don't believe you mean this^^. Be careful what you say. All you need to say is ONE of those^^ lines.

Not all of them - and definitely not "no matter what happens" b/c that is not true. Plus it's doormattish.

She could say, “why didn’t you show it?” I think the best response would be, W, you wanted your space and that’s what Ive given you.

that ^^^ blames HER for YOU not showing your feelings more. What??

Do you want to show her that things can be better OR do you want to make her responsible for what you showed/did and said? B/C if that is what you want, that means NO change will happen...

How about what you are doing "from this day forward" & staying solution based and NOT rehashing the past?

You know, the new you and the improved R you can create?

[roughenough]

Hey 25 and Arsene- I look forward to going over your posts but I just spoke with W and I first wanted to give a play by play.


Conversation with W-

M- How’s it going?
W-It’s going fine.
M-No W, really. How’s it going?
W- It hasn’t been easy.
M- I understand, I really do.
W-That’s all you ever say Rough.
M-It’s time W, it’s time to talk, it’s long overdue.
W- About what, divorce?
M- No W, do you think I care?
W-I thought you might?
M-Well, I do care W. I love you W and I will never give up on you no matter what.
W-Well I assumed that you’ve been dating someone else.
M- I am not going to mince my words and I know you wont believe me but I am married and Ive been behaving as such.
W-I don’t know what to say right now.
M- I understand, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want.
W-I am going to schedule an appointment for us to see the joint councilor.

All in all it went fine. I wish W would have talked more but in her defense, I caught her off guard. She was crying through most of the interaction. As Denver said, I might have a slight chance if I see an ounce of emotion. I held it together fairly well, it was obvious that I was slightly up tight and I did tear up just a little bit. At the end, we said our goodbye. Even though she didn’t say much, I am really glad the interaction took place. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Arsene]

It went well Rough. It sounds positive to me mate but I might not be the best judge right now. You sound like you feel good about it and that's important. How you feel about it. Keep love in the equation mate.