Got this e-mail from W today. Pretty uch spells out how she feels:
'So you want to know how I feel? I’m so angry. I feel cornered and trapped and my future lies in your hands, like you have total control. I’m not happy with that at all. We wouldn’t have this house if it wasn’t for me. I fought to the bitter end to keep it when me and Tony split up because it was the one stability for Alex. You know how much it cost me to do it. It was the only house we had. I allowed you to move in here when I could have let you stay where you were. I was paying it all myself with no help from anyone and I could have continued to do that. You had nothing, you lived with your mum and dad, and at the ripe age of 26 you hadn’t ever had your own place for long, not had a proper job for long and your mum was running your bank account. I had a good job, I worked hard to get where I was and I don’t think you ever realised the responsibility I had or how much I had to do. I also don’t think you ever realised how much I had done in the past to get to where I was at work. I’d done the project thing driving around; meeting big wigs and entertaining clients and a lot of that as a single mum too. You came to see me in my office and maybe you just didn’t realise, but either way you never acknowledged it. You continued to work at Bolton on your terrible wage and you did not see for some time that it was not a wage to support you really, let alone pay for a house and bills. I remember having a big row when I was pregnant and throwing the scan video at you; trying really hard to get you to take some responsibility and realise that we needed more money and that fell to you. I was pregnant and soon to be on mat leave andI couldn’t do any more than I was doing. It should have been something that you stepped up to yourself but it took me shouting and falling out before you moved. You got the new job eventually, but for whatever reason you chose not to keep work informed of what we lived with at home. I know you felt under threat and it’s harsh of me to say, but not getting up in the mornings or being late would not give a good impression anywhere. If you had have told them about home, they would have afforded you some understanding therefore securing your position. I remember asking you to tell them to reduce our worries, but you wouldn’t, you just decided that you’d go all out in the job instead. Telling them wouldn’t have only released pressure on you, but me too, at home with two kids. You focussed on the job and didn’t understand that the pressures were building up for me too. The exams. I struggled alone with the kids whilst you did them and I know they weren’t easy but you really didn’t have to give me or the kids much thought did you? You knew I would handle it all and I did. Lots of evening at your mums and in those days you didn’t help with bedtimes, and certainly not with housework stuff except washing up. You have done a lot of kitchen tidying, but it is one room in a house full of eight rooms. So, all this time the gardening, Jacob, Alex, house, cleaning, washing, cooking, finances and responsibility was all mine and I took it all on. Out of the last 13 years you have stepped up to share all or at least some of all that only in the last few months since you’ve known you’ve lost me. Twelve years of mum-like care are worth something. I know you brought the money home, but I have contributed with benefits and bits and bobs until recently. I know you worked hard to get where you are, only you did that but you would not have done it without my backing and taking over at home; you weren’t here enough to do otherwise. Now we’re here. I didn’t envisage this, but I now accept that I have probably thought about it for some time and not been brave enough, always thought this would do and I’d feel differently, but that hasn’t happened. I feel like a no-one and I think you’ve helped that. You certainly haven’t made me feel otherwise and you certainly have not cared for me emotionally. I have asked you to sign the guarantor because I have no-one else. It’s my only chance to have a rented house no matter where I go. I’m a stay at home mum; stay at home because that’s what I’ve done for the last 13 years. I have tried to do other things to better myself and it was impossible, primarily because I couldn’t do everything and work or learn too. Jacob needed one of us at home and that was me. You climbed your corporate ladder without much of a worry for anything else because I covered it all and I’ve never had too much recognition for that over the years. I cannot guarantee my benefits any more than you can guarantee your wages for the next twelve months, BUT its 12 months, not a lifetime. After the twelve months I will not be asking you again. I have had to beg enough as it is whilst you keep me dangling because you’re not happy. I’m not happy asking as it happens. You are still my husband for now. I have done nothing but hold you up emotionally, look after our home, and have the majority of the responsibility for the kids and home for all that time. You brought home the bacon and it irks me that you have the power over that ultimately. Power that I feel you have over me and what I can and can’t do for my future. I cannot ask friends to do this for lots of reasons despite a few offering because they now know I’m desperate. It’s not their responsibility, it’s yours. Helping secure a home for me for one year is not too much to ask. I think I’m owed it and it would be the right thing to do to make sure Jacob and Alex have another home with me. I find you cold and heartless for saying no, I admit I really didn’t think you would say no because of the implications of that. Turns out I was wrong. However, the one thing this has taught me is that I’m right in my decision that we’re not right, that you haven’t got that emotional connection to me or my feelings and that I’m right to leave. Things will change from here on in. If you’re in, I’m out and vice versa because right now I don’t want to be anywhere near you. Now you know how I feel.'
Now there is a lot of this that is BS (e.g. the videoscan was a story she told me from her previous marriage. I have never and would ever do anything like that and remember being shocked when she told me the story). I wont list the rest out. I know the rules re seeing and hearing.
The bits that have truth in I am already working on...which she comments on. I assume this is the trust bit. She thinks I am doing them to win her over?
I still think this is blackmail for the guarantor issue.
How do I respond? My feeling is that if I respond verbally, she will use it as an opportunity to try and pursuade me, then call me names when I don't agree and we are back to square 1.
If I e-mail her back then she would think me 'not man enough to confront her..plus I would be playing her game. i.e. this is now her form of communication with me.
Do I even respond?
I feel like verbally responding, correcting her for the complete innacuracies (stuff that is made up or not our sitc)- there are limits to what BS I will take, but validating her emotions.
any advice?