Acceptance - My next challenge.

[Arsene]

ACT TWO

Well. This convo was now behind us and we had a relatively easy time to get back in a better mood. I think the convo helped lighten the mood for a while and W actually offered to make us her Fish and Chips (something she used to do on Sundays in the past).

On the way home, though, my mood swung around. I got thinking about OM and the text she had sent. I ended up wondering why I bothered with her and I got myself all worked up again, but promising to STFU this time. I had done enough damage already. The thing is, I didn't feel good about the way it had gone. I felt that I hadn't listened to her (she had admitted that she still doesn't talk much about her feelings)and that I hadn't really had a breakthrough. I wanted more but I kept telling myself to STFU.

On the way home, in an attempt to avoid breaking the law and making an illegal right turn, I turned into a driveway past the intersection and got around to take my street. I got pulled over by a policeman who was standing there. He told me that my "U" turn was illegal and I'd have to go to the station to pay a fine (standard scare tactics to try and prompt a bribe). I was frustrated and tried to talk to the officer but to no avail. W said to simply pay him a bribe, which I was ready and willing to do so I got out and paid the man to get my papers back and drove away. For some reasons, the frustration and anger I withheld within me and perhaps even this unnecessary expense which put a bit of a dent in my budget, brought tears to my eyes (I have had difficulties holding back my emotions lately). W and D8 noticed. W put her hand on my shoulder and voiced words of support. She said I'd done well, that I should just let it go. I said I was fine.

We got home and started cooking together but W again kept answering texts on her phone. Again I was annoyed, mainly thinking that perhaps OM could leave her alone for just one day while she was with her family (not even knowing for sure that it was OM but with a strong suspicion as W hid the phone while answering).

I tried to remain cheerful and we ate and then D8 went to bed. W came out of the room and by that time, i was sure I wanted to talk to her. I asked her if she'd play a game of pool before leaving and she agreed.

Needless to say that we didn't even get close to the pool table. This convo is a big blur in my mind right now. I'm not sure I can recall it verbatum but I have to admit that everything was said. We got rid of the white elephant in the room. I listened like hell and validated even though I also talked quite a bit (it lasted 3 hours).

Here are some highlights in no particular order (perhaps I'll be able to recall specific parts of the convo later and will share them at that time).

1.W is in love with OM.
2.She has not thought about what a future with him would be.
3.If he left her she says she would be fine with it.
4.He would be fine if she left him.
5.He wouldn't try to make her stay with him, like I'm doing.
6.She was occasionally in touch with him while we were living in the other country last year.
7.She initiated contact with him after dumping me.
8.She dumped me so she could take control of her life.
9.She still cares deeply for me.
10.She regrets hurting me so much.
11.She wants me to move on.
12.She's OK with me leaving the country with D8.
13.She once thought I was trying to stop her from seeing D8 but realizes now that she was wrong (previously documented).
14.She initially went to OM because she was afraid to talk to me.
15.She was confused over the last two years while still in the family and once I left for my country felt it was the only opportunity to leave me.
16. She realizes that she will never find anyone who loves her the way I do.
17.She feels I'm trying to force her to stay with her
18. I explain that I don't really care about the outcome anymore, that I accept what she is doing even if I can't agree with it and that I am doing what I want to do by standing for my marriage, the same way she is doing what she wants to do by walking out on it. I am not trying to convince her or force her to do anything she doesn't want.
19.I say that I am not ready to return to a relationship with her or anyone right now as I am not done with my work on myself.
20. She says she disagree with what I'm doing.
21. I say I disagree with what she is doing.
22. We agree to disagree.
23. She says she's always been my friend and still is.
24. I said that until now, we couldn't as there was that elephant in the room, but that with this new found honesty, there was a chance we might.
25. She says she still considers me her family.
26. I told her I didn't intend to bring up OM again.
27. She agreed that it would make things very awkward.
28. She said she had never felt this comfortable talking to me.
29. She said that she had probably never opened up so much to anyone.
30. She said she doesn't talk about this to any of her friends anymore. that they just didn't understand. Not one of them.
31. I threw in , while talking about myself, that if one person tells you something they might be wrong but that if everybody tells you, you should stop and listen.
30. We agreed to be friends.
31. She told me that I can talk to her about anything.
32. I reciprocated.
33. She said she was happy we had spent the last ten years together.
34. She said maybe it was time to move on.
35. I agreed and I said that moving on might also bring us back together.
36. She agreed, saying maybe.
37. She said she likes her life right now.
38. She said OM doesn't have contact with his W and kids anymore.
39. She doesn't seem to see that as a flaw in him.
40. We talk about how difficult it is to make friends around here.
41. She said that there is no one around here with whom to talk the way we just did (including OM?)



We hugged warmly. She cried. We talked about how awkward things have been between us. She said she hopes we can really do this. She looked a bit confused, and unsure of herself but covered it and became cheerful again. We laughed and smiled and touched and sat on the floor side by side. Talked about some good moments in our lives.

During the convo (3 hours) her phone, which had been left in the kitchen, rang at least a dozen times and beeped (texts) twice as often. She didn't answer it or even made a move to check her messages while she was still in the house and in my sight on her way to the car. I guess OM was worried. Looks like he's got her on a short leash.

I feel strangely relieved after this talk. I know that for me to have agreed to be her friend while she is openly emotionally involved with OM is not everyone's cup of tea and perhaps it is the wrong thing to do right now but the fact that for the first time in our lives we have had this kind of personal, "honest" open discussion is a major breakthrough to me and to her alike. I think enough to confuse her as she said that she never thought she could have such a talk with me.

Sorry for the format but this is the only way I can put in most of what was said. I know that out of context, it might be hard to look at these statements but ask away if you have any questions. I might remember things more as time passes.

2 X 4s (and I know I will get tons of them) are more than welcome and appreciated.

BTW, I do feel totally detached from the outcome. I really think that this might be the acceptance I was seeking.