I'm not sure where to start. Today was probably the most significant day since I got back from my country in mid-July, mainly because I ended up breaking point 1, 3, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 17, 19, 20, 24, 26, 31, 32 and 37 of the list of 37 do's and don't's.
I don't know how to say all that happened over the last 12 hours without writing a book but I will try to only mention the important stuff.
First of all, last night, SIL contacted me through FB to tell me about the talk she had had with W last week. In a nut shell she told me that W wasn't serious about her R with OM and that W noticed that I had made many drastic changes to the way I was. SIL said that I should just be patient and keep on doing what I have been doing. She said that W had said that she was with OM mainly for "someone to talk to".
Nonetheless there was something in the way SIL spoke/wrote that left me wondering. Something to the effect that if I eventually fell out of love then I would just have to accept that it wasn't meant to be. In our first convo a few months ago, she had told me to keep the faith and that she was convinced that W would eventually come around.
Today was our family day. D8 and I had decided to make pancakes for W so when she got here, she was pleasantly surprised to see D8 flipping pancakes by herself. We had a nice breakfast but I noticed that W didn't seem as cheerful as she had on our previous family day. I chose to ignore it. While at the house before leaving, W took quite a few texts and this annoyed me a bit but I chased the feeling away as soon as it came and kept on being positive and cheerful.
We left and went for a two hour drive to an amusement park. On the way, we stopped at a gas station for D8 to use the bathroom and W left her phone in the car. Yes, I wasn't as strong as Williams and I actually had a look just long enough to see that while in the car, after about an hour on the road, W had text OM to say "Hi Honey".
My mood went. W came back to the car with D8 and I guess her mood went as well. We drove silently for a while and I tried to focus and be cheerful again. Very difficult but I think I managed. Mind you, I had this overwhelming urge to bring it up. to bring up OM and our R and everything. Basically to have the talk that we never actually had and that I was expecting when I got back from my country a few months back. I felt hurt and I wanted to tell her how I felt. I remembered AT's talk with his wife a few days ago, and how I envied him his opportunity to speak his peace. That is why one should NOT snoop. I didn't say anything and kept it in.
We finally got there and after about an hour at the park both W and I were disappointed with the attractions. The park wasn't very good and definitely not worth the drive and money I spent (quite a bit considering my dire financial situation). Nonetheless, D8 did enjoyed it and at one point she went to the pool while W and I sat and talked.
W was talking about how she'd always lacked confidence in life and how she felt that this had affected her decisions. She went on to say that everyone in her life had judged her and no one had trusted her judgement on things, especially when she decided to become a singer. Her parents didn't think she was beautiful enough to make it in that field. I validated and asked encouraging questions. She admitted that she had never seen herself as beautiful so I just went straight in it when I should have just STFU. I told her that I had always thought she was beautiful and still did. That I had always had full respect for her and what she was doing and that I believed in her. She said that of course I would say that, but it's because I liked her. To this I replied that I still felt that way now even though I don't always find her very likeable.
This escalated, I'm not sure how, to her telling me that I should move on and get on with my life. I told her I was moving on and that I wasn't waiting for her, just that I was still there for her, for the moment.
Here are some of the exchanges that occurred through the convo that followed in no particular order that I can remember:
W- I regret how I handled things, I wish I had talked to you back then. We just didn't know how to communicate then.
Me-It doesn't have to be too late. Things could still be fixed.
W- I'm happy now. Don't you want me to be happy?
Me- Yes, of course I do. Don't you think that we still have a shot at happiness working together as a team on this R?
W-You should move on, get a GF.
Me- I don't need a GF. I'm fine the way I am, doing what I am doing now. I believe that we can still work things out and I have never lost faith in you. I still love you and I am being who i want to be right now, a man with integrity, and determination, willing to walk through the gates of hell to save his marriage and family and fight for the woman he loves. That is the man you married, isn't it?
W- (laugh) Yes it is. But you have to move on, forget about me. You are not helping me. You are making this so difficult. We just can't go back. This is not all bad. We've both learned so much.
Me- I don't want to go back to the old R. I would want to work on a new R that could be better than anything we have ever hoped for using what we learned. I'm not trying to make things difficult for you I'm just telling you how I feel and what I'm doing.
Me- (light) I'm sorry. I still talk too much, don't I?
W- (smile)Not as much as you used to. Big improvement.
Me- (smile) maybe we should quit now while we can still smile about it.
W- (smile) yeah.
END OF ACT ONE
** I might have forgotten some things and I will post them later if i remember.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
