How do I deal with this text message

[25yearsmlc]

My answer is that for US the separation was mostly good for us as a couple or I'd have gone nuts with his wacky stuff,

and in truth, my anger would not have allowed me to heal

and then work on forgiveness.

The down side is that our d's learned to get along quite well without him after awhile and their r's are not as healed as ours is. He had a hard time "blending in" when he'd return home for visits, and instead was seen as an alien visitor and he was alienated for sure.

Which makes for awkwardness and tension and worse relationships between them.

(Retrovaille was very helpful with that, but I wish we'd gone earlier)

My terms "Goes Alaskan" was simply my h's form of MLC. OR maybe it was the culmination of growing selfishness I did not recognize but I don't believe it makes a difference b/c neither selfishness nor MLCing mandates divorce...

it can, but it's not a surefire end to m's. People can change.


But We lived in Alaska for 3 years for the Army and h "went native" on us. He really LOVED it there, and I mean, to an irrational point. Like he would never say it was cold even if it was literally -50'F, he'd say it was "brisk"...AND

He had some "hero" figures there who convinced him that THEY had the life he wanted...they hunted and fished and worked and they made a lot of money, or so they said.

Meanwhile I had given up my job for our move to Alaska, which H wanted, and our 3rd child was born a month after we moved there. So I went from being a corp L with 2 kids, to a SAHM with a newborn and no job or friends of my own, in a small town in the interior of Alaska...NOT easy to meet people there or GAL and believe me, I made valiant efforts.

Finally we left but he kept wanting to go back and his heroes pursued him for years to come work there (he's very qualified and since he was willing to live there, that made him a rare commodity)

He became convinced it was the only way he could achieve whatever he felt he needed to achieve (which shifted back and forth over the years)

and it became a true obsession. We went to several mc's who all said, (and I mean, all 4)

that he was "acting single" or "being selfish" but it never did much more than settle him down a bit before he'd bring it up again. He made secret trips there and would call me after arriving, and talk to me like it was a normal thing to do.

I finally stopped competing. There was no OW and believe me I wondered. But he constantly pressured me/the kids to join him so that would make nos sense.

Our kids resisted moving, again, while in high school and I agreed they should not. So I released him and stayed with our remaining girls.

I found myself thinking, "if h is paying the bills while d1 is in high school and I can swing this, then I can wait this out and if d1 graduates and h is still absent, then we're done."

So I had an internal timeline. For me, that was very helpful.

After a year there alone (with a year or preparation by going to get yet another medical credential, at great expense and cost to us personally & financially before going there)

he seemed to wake up and realize he was quite lonely there without us.

I really had a feeling he'd do that too, but I hate saying that b/c it may give false hope to others.

But truly, I believed if h finished his final credential upon arriving there, THEN he'd lift his head and look around and wonder where the heck everyone was...which I think is sort of what happened. TIl then, he always had an obstacle in his way to achieve or overcome and THEN he'd think about us, and that's what happened.

Our older d graduated from high school. Our younger d was willing to try Alaska for a year there "to see how it worked"

which it did not. Going there would not have crossed my mind except for what H said and how he pursued and said he wanted to make up to us how he'd treated us and wanted to "Once again be the h I deserved", etc.

So h, our youngest child and I, went up there...

The money was not what my h was told and the structure of the company was a pyramid, AND then h's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and so

we left Alaska without having to confront the heroes - but with some sense of him having "tried it".

He was sorely disappointed and embarrassed...and apologized to me,

but I STFU when he said that, b/c I was just glad that he found that his happiness was not in a place or job.

In short, I think the pluses of staying together are higher for the kids, (unless the fighting is out of control--which might well have happened in our sitch)

b/c I think it keeps the spouse feeling less alienated when the kids are still interacting with the MLCer.

HOWEVER that may Not apply if the couple cannot remain together b/c the pressure of having someone in your face, who does not seem to want to be there is damn hard.

For ME, the geographical distance gave me a chance to breathe, pray, heal and GAL and CHANGE who I had become. I had a great DB coach.

I had a lot of anger at the injustice of it all. And it wasn't helping me.

Hope this helps.

[SunnyBurst]

I came home last night at 12:30am my wife is dressed to the 9's says I am going out and staying at Genines house overnight -- 11:00am still not home - son keeps asking where is mommy I said she went shopping with grandma --

This is by far the hardest few days I have had - thursday night she went out till 4 in the morning -- This man Raul is really persuing her and our friend Genine is helping toooo muccchhhh ---

I am taking care of my son and cleaning the house today - please keep me in your prayers !!!

[ericmsant2]

Sunny

I am sorry that you are living this man. I know how much it hurts. Sending prayers your way.

As for your son.... i would not lie to him. You are covering up for her. Be honest but be gentle. Maybe next time you say something like... i'm not really sure but i'm here so lets go have some fun.

As angry and hurt as you may be right now, i would not say anything to her when shearrives.

[AJM]

I'm going to go out on a limb with this one.

How long will you live like this Sunny? I agree she has her issues and can't see straight. I agree it is not right. But I see in your posts a sense of stress a feeling of helplessness. You seem to be having a hard time suppressing the anger.

I am not at all surprised.

When I was in that situation, I did similar to you. I did it for a reason - I needed to see. I needed to be the one that did NOT leave. I needed to be the man and I needed to look out for my kids. I knew it was not "normal" behavior for her. Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and left. Twice. I don't regret the way I handled things, but it was highly stressful. I'm still dealing with the fall out of the stress.

Have you determined how far you'll go before you say enough is enough and kick her out?

I know that's normally what you hear on these boards. I also know that you are not a doormat and are trying to figure things out in a murky environment.

As you saw in 25's post, there were times when she questioned and set timelines. We all do to some degree.

Have you already? Have you set a boundary for you that if crossed, is the end of your attempts and waiting?

What are they?

If you feel I am not helping, please say so and I will not ask again. It'll be ok to do that as well. I know you are in a tough situation and I know the stress you are putting yourself under trying to make things work. I do not want to add to that but I do want to help in any way I can.

AJ

[MissAgnes]

Sending prayers your way too, Sunny.

[SunnyBurst]

Get your 2 x 4's ready !!!

Last night happened because I didn't follow my plan with my DB coach

She asked if I were going out -- instead of just saying Yep and leaving it at that -- I told her I was going to band practice and I was starting a new bands -- I am not supposed to I told her to get approval mistake #1 -- I was supposed to go out after to see my friends band which I didn't tell her -- to get mysterious -- they play till 3am but I was tired and I wanted to go to sleep -- so I came home and how she was all ready to go out is beyond me - I know she saw Raul last night - SO I WILL SAY ALWAYS ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR PLAN THAT YOU HAVE NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU ARE !!!

How many more times do I have to mess up !!! I just won't learn to just worry about me and not her !!

[Takevowsserious]

It's a tough thing to learn and do Sunny, but don't give up, it will get easier as you start to change your thought process. Getting started is the hardest part...

And also, don't be surprised if at first she doesn't seem to care where you go and what you do. They can be experts at ignoring us! But over time, if you start going out on a regular basis and don't fill her in on the details, she will get curious.

To borrow a phrase from you, maybe you should get "dressed to the nine's" next time you go out and not say a word about why. Get some new clothes, put on some cologne, but do NOT ask her how you look.

You can do this. One of the best pieces of advice a friend gave me was to take it day by day. If you focus on yourself and your son, you'll find the days go by much faster.

[SunnyBurst]

When I was in that situation, I did similar to you. I did it for a reason - I needed to see. I needed to be the one that did NOT leave. I needed to be the man and I needed to look out for my kids. I knew it was not "normal" behavior for her. Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and left. Twice. I don't regret the way I handled things, but it was highly stressful. I'm still dealing with the fall out of the stress. Have you determined how far you'll go before you say enough is enough and kick her out?

I am in for basically the same reasons --

I can't kick her out I live in a state that NEVER takes kids away from Mommy --- its both of our house.

I am trying to look at it like she as a serious illness the thing is the time for me -- since I found these boards I know the REPLAY period she is in takes 2-3 years so she has been in
for appx a year -- if I didn't stumble on this forum I would prolly have forced the D issue but how can I now --

The person she used to be would have stood by me if the shoe were on the other foot -- at least that's what I believe -- I can't put a time limit on it yet -- the hard part for me is the affair -- if I verify that then it would be hard -- but then again 90% of MLCers have them so is that just part of the illness -- confusing to say the least -- I got through yesterday and I will get through today -- I continue to do what I can the best I can and thanks to this place I can deal with the heartaces as they come up ---

Thanks so much for your support !!!


Sunny

[SunnyBurst]

It's a tough thing to learn and do Sunny, but don't give up, it will get easier as you start to change your thought process. Getting started is the hardest part...

And also, don't be surprised if at first she doesn't seem to care where you go and what you do. They can be experts at ignoring us! But over time, if you start going out on a regular basis and don't fill her in on the details, she will get curious.

To borrow a phrase from you, maybe you should get "dressed to the nine's" next time you go out and not say a word about why. Get some new clothes, put on some cologne, but do NOT ask her how you look.

You can do this. One of the best pieces of advice a friend gave me was to take it day by day. If you focus on yourself and your son, you'll find the days go by much faster.

Thanks Take Vows -- from now on I just am gonna concentrate on toeday -- I am down almost 80 pounds --time for some new cloths.

Sunny

[SunnyBurst]

sorry she said 80% was HER fault for not speaking up --

but DO go to the concert. If you don't, you are choosing to be a doormat. Don't stop her b/c 1) you cannot and 2) you'll look petty and weak for trying

I won't stop her -- God knows I learned the hard way this weekend I can't anyway --


She confronted me this morning after promising to make my favorite dinner tonight - we went outside to move her car which is behaind mine so I can get to work -- she said is it alright if I go to see the band on Sat and U will stay home and watch the baby - I said simply I am going on Sat -- she said you went out the past 2 Saturdays -- (so did she) she goes I am going away for 2 weeks to Florida and I won't see my friends all that time I said simply I am going Saturday -- she starts screaming in front of the house YOU ARE SUCH AN [censored] -- goes in her car to move it out SLAMS the door so hard I can't believe it.

I just ignore the behavior and go to work

Very hard but I did it -- I hope she doens't poison my dinner LOL

Sunny