Labug. Thank you for this post. I needed to read this today! You're absolutely right about learning to live with uncertainty and fear and staying centered. Although it's a daily struggle, I know it's always worth it, no matter the outcome.
Yesterday I "Gave myself permission" to just lounge around the house doing absolutely nothing but clearing my head and spending some quality time with my puppy... Around 6 pm, I'd decided enough was enough... as my head didn't seem to be clearing much, rather getting more cluttered with every now missing thing I noticed... I figured I'd cried enough for one day and it was time to just get out for a few hours.
I'm glad I did... As I stopped over at a friend's house who just happened to be having a big group of people over... We spent a few hours chatting, watching the U get stomped by Notre Dame and just enjoying company... Strangely enough, once someone found out I was a writer, they immediately ran to their car, grabbed a stack of poetry they'd written and asked me for my input on it!
I got home around midnight, spent an hour or so on these boards trying to "give back" to the people here as best as I can, had a couple drinks and fell asleep.
My dreams were loaded with W and an unrealized future... but it was just strange enough to be more funny than sad. It's not every day you dream about your W bringing a screaming goat home and insisting we dress it in corduroy pants!
I woke up to the same now-emptier house once again acutely aware of the silence... but I'm not letting it get me down. The echoes of my W's voice and the things she said... the conversations we had... have begun to balance out a little bit... For every "negative" thing I remember her saying, I'm able to balance it out with something that seemed hopeful... and then I take both of those thoughts and try to realize how futile this analysis is.
I'll be heading out in about an hour for my Sunday ritual of watching concussion-porn (my new favorite term for football) all day with a few friends.
And I know that today is a new day, and tomorrow... well I'll bet that one's gonna be new too! So long as I can keep taking baby steps forward... I'll be fine... even if I fall and scrape my knees now and again.
