Thank you and you are right. I guess I kind of feel like a child sometimes. Why is it so hard to make personal decisions. I make some pretty hard and important decisions everyday that effect the lives and safety of some pretty important people. When it comes to making decisions about me, it is hard. Makes no sense!
I am frustrated with this whole situation that I am in. The W just doing as she pleases without any care it seems. We are living as roommates and it drives me absolutely nuts. Like is said previously, I cook, clean, shop, etc. for the family, and she is able to reap the benefit. Who would want to work on something difficult when the "roomy" thing is so easy. She talks to me as we are friends most of the time and not the husband and father to her children. I KNOW, she has said that she doesnt want to be married. I get that. When I am detached doing my own thing, she can find me because I really dont feel that I can leave the house. She always seems to have something going on these days. Between school, volunteering and studying. She knows that she is just able to scoot out because the kids are taken care of. Its like she is perfectly fine with living as roommates and friends forever!
I have been doing a lot of 180s, but not really in line with the problems she had with out marriage. I am definately more upbeat when I get off work. Spend a lot more time with the kids, spend less time at work, etc. But in our marriage, she always fealt I wasnt affectionate enough, or complimenting enough, or perceptive enough (like new clothes and perfume). These are the things that I am NOT supposed to do according to DB and DR because its not something that she WANTS TO HEAR FROM ME NOW!!!
When I am detached (usually in my house) she is able to find me. Which she does. She talks about whatever she wants and I listen intently. We never discuss marriage, R, or anything but sometimes she says things relevant to the future but I am confused on what she really means, or shes just that intent on living as roommates forever. Like the other day, I was talking about home projects that need to be done. She mentioned finishing the garage project (storage) because "we will always be needing a place to store things" or something to that effect. She provides opinions for paint colors for the basement, etc!!! Its just really frustrating!
I refuse to live as roommates, and want to work on the marriage. She however seems to be fine in the current circumstance, but who wouldn't be! The only thing left for me to do is move back into the MBR. I live in the basement BR right now because I am trying to finish it. I mentioned about two weeks ago that I was going to move back into the MBR and she was PISSED! I explained (calmly) that it was "her that didnt want this marriage, or did not want to be with me, etc. Why should I have to suffer because of that".
Its almost to the point that i have one option. It is to file D paperwork. Either it will wake her up, or will end this for good. At this point, it seems like it is my only option and I think really, I am good with either outcome. I am almost at my After Last Resort Technique phase. Unless of course anyone is seeing things I dont.
