journalling: I've been reflecting so much on my BD even though I was the one who dropped it. But I remember the pain and hurt I was in this time last year and deciding that I had to finally end it after about 2 years of being unhappy. In some ways things are so so different and in some ways I'm happy that things are the same.
I didn't have to move like I worried so much about. We're in the same house, in the same town, and I enjoy where I live, I got to keep my dog.
Money is tight but my son and I didn't have to leave the country.
I'm in better shape than I have been my whole life. (I'm starting to get abs ya'll!) And I'm learning better ways to deal with things.
At work the other day a coworker was really angry and yelling about something. I had work to do it was like 45 mins until my deadline and there was nothing i could do to fix it. and I calmly said "I really understand why you feel this way and the unfairness has made you angry, but I'm not the one you should complain to" and she just deflated and said "you're right..."
I think before I was just existing in this controlling state and living my life in fear. I judged people, was defensive, thought I was too good for certain things and certain people. But it was all separate myself and not put myself in situations that I was uncomfortable in.
Every day I'm being more comfortable with discomfort. With not having everything planned out, laid out in front of me, or knowing the future. I used to always think two steps ahead and now I really try not to.
I do genuinely want STBXH to be happy. Partly because I don't want to be someone who carries around anger, hurt, bitterness etc.
When he dropped off S the other day, he started talking about his GF's family and all the things he doesn't like about them, and how they were driving him crazy, and how they just moved house and the new neighbour is already on his nerves. He doesn't want to make efforts to get along with people and I'm so happy that I don't have to baby sit his relationships with my friends/family anymore.
I'm learning that GAL is a way of life and that when I slip out of doing things I start feeling unhappy. I'm broadening my friendship group after pulling myself away from people for so long.
I don't really post here much anymore but I am doing really well and it's a steady learning curve that I don't think will ever end.
