Back to Square One?

[AnotherStander]

I'm worried today that he's beating me at my game. As I'm detaching and going a bit dim, I feel that he is detaching more and going dimmer. Instead of compensating, he's out-detaching. I'm not sure I've expressed that well.

I know what you mean, I went dim on W and it seemed like she just pushed away further. In my case it's only been weeks, so I'm just sticking with the game plan for now. Not sure how long ago you went dim, but if it's just been a few weeks then you might consider giving it some more time to see if you start seeing some baby steps.

Here's an example: on Sat, I got back a bit later than I would normally. This morning, he asked me if I'd be in this evening. It seemed like such an odd question given that I'm in 99.99% of the time.

Actually that would seem to indicate that your detaching is working, maybe he's starting to wonder what you're up to. Sounds like there's some mystery there and now he's not so sure you'll be there 99.9% of the time. That's the impression you want him to have! You might play into that and find things to do more evenings. Get dressed up even if it's just to go to dinner with friends, that sort of thing. Keep him guessing!

As I said, I know that he's reacting to my doing things differently. I'm just worried he's reacting by by detaching further himself. Even the fact that he's stopped asking me if I'm OK makes me worried.

Don't worry. Stick with the game plan. A few weeks isn't going to hurt anything, and if it goes nowhere you can always make changes later.

He can be a bit paranoid and I wouldn't be surprised if he thought that I was thinking of leaving him so he's preparing himself (not by fighting for me but by retreating himself).

Stop the mind reading I'm guilty of it too, but just keep in mind that while it's OK to think about and journal about, you should never take actions based on what you think someone else is thinking. Because we're almost never right. It's normal for a WAS to distance when a LBS goes dim. With enough time the WAS usually goes into pursuit mode though.

In fact, I can imagine him saying to me "It looks as if you no longer want to be with me".

Tell him that you need time and space to think about the M because you're not confortable with his recent actions. This is a good response because you're not saying he's right, but you're not saying he's wrong either. Keep him guessing!

[Wendylon]

Actually that would seem to indicate that your detaching is working, maybe he's starting to wonder what you're up to. Sounds like there's some mystery there and now he's not so sure you'll be there 99.9% of the time. That's the impression you want him to have! You might play into that and find things to do more evenings. Get dressed up even if it's just to go to dinner with friends, that sort of thing. Keep him guessing!

Thank you for that suggestion. It makes me anxious to keep him guessing because, as I said, I don't want him to bail first thinking that that's what I'm doing. I remember 2003-04 when he was in the middle of his PA and he saw me having coffee with an old university friend and commented that it was really nice to see me GAL. I didn't know what to make of that. It was as though it made him feel that he was off the hook with his A since I was socialising with a man. He didn't leave in the end though so maybe that was part of what worked despite what he said!

It's normal for a WAS to distance when a LBS goes dim. With enough time the WAS usually goes into pursuit mode though.

You're right: I haven't been doing this for long. I will give it more time.

Tell him that you need time and space to think about the M because you're not confortable with his recent actions. This is a good response because you're not saying he's right, but you're not saying he's wrong either. Keep him guessing!

You really do formulate such great responses! How do you think of them--apparently so effortlessly? Do they come to you as easily in your own sitch? Thank you, AnotherStander.

[Tumbling]

Wendylon, I share your anxiety that our detaching may result in them further detaching but I am finding it is enabling me to get some perspective and realise I am just as important as my M.

What are you doing re GAL/focus on you?
I've recently rediscovered long baths with a book...especially with this dark evenings

I think AS's responses are brilliant too - I'm stealing them for reference and saving them on my phone!

Tumbling

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tumbling, for writing in.

I'm not sure how I'm GAL any more than I was before recent events. I do feel that I have a good group of friends. I love going to the gym. It's not so much about GAL in the practical sense that is a problem for me it's more what goes on in my head. Unfortunately, I keep thinking that my happiness depends on what H is up to. Rationally, I know that doesn't have to be true but I seem to be wired in such a way that I focus on him and feel rejected.

H has been away now a couple of days and gets back tonight. He called once to see how everyone was doing and he sent a link to the restaurant he'd been to last night. I didn't initiate any contact but was pleasant on the phone and responded to his email asking what he'd had. What he had was v predictable so I just responded with a smiley face.

I've been very busy with kids and preparing for my appeal against Social Services' intended cuts in S13's package. I've also seen friends and family, etc.. I've been to the gym.

He says he'll be home around 9 tonight. I suspect that his train from Brussels gets in earlier and that he'll be going to his work space/club (where OW is also a member) and have a few drinks before he gets home. This communal work space (the Hub) is very close to the train station.

I feel much more at peace when he's away because I'm not feeling rejected by his absence and his actions. When he's home but not home it's more in my face and I feel hurt, abandoned, obsessed and critical. Then of course, there is the weekend looming..

I would really like to feel focus on myself and not him!

[Wendylon]

H came home late for supper tonight--around 9. He claimed that he was having a drink with this old friend who he suddenly seems to be seeing a lot of. Once again, he had nothing specific to say about his friend--not one single fact. I don't believe he saw him for a second.

He had been drinking and was a bit out of it. He was also a bit aggressive and looked to me as if he was spoiling for a fight. I asked him if wanted some soup and he said yes. He then proceeded to take all of it and I said that actually I was planning on having some as well. His response was, "Well, not now, you aren't". I didn't react and he ended putting some of it in a bowl for me. At another point, he said something about me being mad. I was recounting something and he didn't believe that I was quoting the person correctly. I didn't let myself get hooked.

He had his head in his hands and looked as if he was falling asleep and I said, "You look ready for bed". His answer was, "Not at all, I'm just thinking". I don't know whether he expected me to ask what he was thinking about but I didn't.

In some ways, I'd nearly be relieved if he brought up the issue of our R and his unhappiness. I'm ready to DB, listen and validate. I feel on tenterhooks at the moment and I'd love to move onto the next phase.

He'd said that he wasn't getting back from his trip last night until 9 but ended up coming home around 7.30. I think that he'd given himself some extra time after his train got in but didn't end up using much of it.

I had moments today of thinking that I have a good life and would still have a good life if he chose to move out. I do worry about what it would do to S17 and D15 if he left though. S13 wouldn't notice.

We always go out on Sunday evenings so we'll see what happens tomorrow. Of course, he will have gone out in the afternoon without accounting for any of that time and will smell of alcohol. Weirdly, he seems to have started drinking since he stopped smoking. Before that, he was being weird and secretive about food (claiming he was trying to lose weight but sneaking food).

I still wish I could genuinely focus less on him. I give him too much attention (at least internally).

Any advice welcome.

[Wendylon]

H is not coming up to bed and its 12:30. The annoying thing is that he'll sleep in when he should be looking after S13 tomorrow morning. He's listening to music. S17 came in not long ago from drinking. He was celebrating a friend's 18th. I feel as if H isn't much more mature than S17. I find them both difficult to deal with . They both act as if they'd rather I weren't in their lives and would prefer not to have their actions witnessed by me!

I have a history of telling H that it's late and suggesting he come to bed. I'm not doing it tonight. He doesn't like it and I don't like it so I'm stopping. The alternative though isn't easy either. I feel antsy. I wonder whether I should be calling down and saying "good night". I don't really feel like it though as he wasn't particularly pleasant this evening. I'll leave it for now. At least it means I can fall asleep without the smell of alcohol in the bedroom.

[MKB23]

Ignore him. After a bit, let him pass out. lol Seriously if he makes a habit of it, get some earplugs. Sounds like he was goading you for a reaction. Proud of you for not giving him one!

[Wendylon]

Thanks, MKB. I did ignore him.

We had a pleasant, superficial chat in bed this morning. As usual though, he got up first and disappeared downstairs. I don't know how he always manages to be the one who cuts contact short.

[Tumbling]

Here's a question Wendylon - Has he always been the one to end contact? My H has...so I'm just wondering whether we read too much into it when they leave the room/close the conversation down these days?

[Tumbling]

Here's another question - based on my H - in the past before BD once the superficial stuff was done I might have dived in with some relationship issue that I would be tangled up in. H would feel uncomfortable and the issue wouldn't get resolved. I reckon if H and I started a conversation and the topics dried up he would leave so as to avoid the issue topic that might be coming next...