Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

BTW, I am not ready for a r with OW.

[roughenough]

I dont show much compassion with W. Ive been real dark and I know she's open to hearing from me. You guys think it's ok just to send a quick message, "Hey W, I truely hope your doing well. How are you and the kids?

[roughenough]

I am going to briefly see her when she drops off the kids tomorrow. I just might say it then. I really should try and get a bit of small talk in. I think its important.

[roughenough]

For some reason I want her to know that I have been faithful. Not because I want to hold her cheating against her. Mainly because I just want her to know that. It's the truth, even if she doesnt believe me. But part of me thinks its not really the right thing to say. Sometime our communication needs to improve. Even if it's just a little bit. I need to understand how each interaction can be viewed as "an opportunity"?

[roughenough]

We dont have to become our parents but its amazing how we do in so many ways.

[roughenough]

wow, I know I am posting a lot but I have a lot on my mind. I understand that every sitch is diffrent. For some reason I have the need to let my W know that I do care!!!!

I dont think she knows that I do. I think AT has struggled with this as well. Do all of you think it's ok for me to let W know this when I see her next?

[AlkalineThoughts]

Hey Rough... Holy HELL have I struggled with this. My sitch got to the point this weekend that the opportunity presented itself for these conversation points to come naturally...

I was able to "set her straight" on her thoughts I might be seeing someone else without having to throw her under the bus for her actions with OM.

I was able to tell her, very explicitly, that I DO care for her, that I DO love her, and that I'll never give up on her, no matter what happens.

In all honesty, I don't think she believed ANY of those things before I explicitly told her. I think she'd convinced herself of many untruths... about me not caring anymore, about me doing exactly what she was doing with OP etc...

I'm not sure that she believed everything I said, but it doesn't really matter, because I was able to say it.

My advice here?

When she comes and drops off the kids, gauge her mood... Feel out the situation. If it feels right, I see nothing wrong with a simple "How's it going?"

Then listen closely. If she responds in a short/quick/dismissive manner, then back off. If she opens up a little, then listen, validate and play it by ear. Show some compassion if it fits, but validation of her feelings IS compassion.

I would highly advice against trying to convince her you're not with OM... You're probably right that she might not believe it... and if it totally comes out of the blue, it'll just seem weird.

IF she's interested... IF she wants to know... You can absolutely bet that she'll bring up the topic at some point... And you need to CAREFULLY consider your response... Balancing out compassion, strength, and honesty is no easy task. Saying you're committed to your marriage without sounding accusatory of her decisions isn't simple.

Personally, I took a pretty strong stance when it came up, but I was sure to balance it out with letting her know that I'm NOT trying to put her down or judge her decisions... I was simply letting her know what MY decision has been.

But in all honesty, I THINK your wife knows you care. And I KNOW EXACTLY how it feels to be unsure of that. So my opinion is this: If it will make you feel better about yourself and your situation without causing damage to what you're doing... Then go for it...

SO LONG AS THE SITUATION DICTATES IT.

Don't force it. Don't shoehorn it in or it will feel forced and you'll be disappointed.

I'm sure others will have their own opinions, but that's my .02.

[Denver_2010]

I agree. You have been consistently 'dim' with your W for a long time now. You don't even know if she has an OM or not (which I do believe is something that totally changes the strategy).

I would do what AT suggested. Ask her how it is going. Feel it out. If she begins to open up, validate her feelings/thoughts, listen, be her friend. And then politely be the one who ends the conversation.

I also don't see anything wrong with telling your w that you do still love her, care about her, and want your marriage. I'm not sure about the timing of this though. It could fit in nicely with the above conversation depending on how long it goes and what direction it takes. Or, you might wait another few days and at some point, just tell her, "W I want to let you know...". I would make this statement once though. In other words, I wouldn't make it a habit of telling her that you love her etc. (while the S is going on of course).

The above may be what you need to shake it up a bit. But do what feels natural and right.

[roughenough]

Hey AT and Denver,

Important stuff, thanks a ton. I don’t want this to be anything long or drawn out. I understand that I need to say it just once but hell, it’s been a long time. I have an idea how it might go.

Here’s my guess, W drops off the kids, I need to let the kids know that I would like to talk with W for a minute. That’s not to abnormal because every now and then W and I briefly talk in private without kids around.

I will ask W how’s it going? I can pretty much guarantee her response because I’ve asked her this before. She will give me a simple answer such as “I am doing fine” or “things are going ok” I need to gently convey a message stating that’s NOT what I am getting at. So I plan to say, “Seriously W, how’s it going.” I will drop it at that point but I think that’s the only nudge I need to get the ball rolling.

She will give me a somewhat short answer and I will validate. I am highly confident she will then ask me, “what about you?”. She’s good at turning the tables like that.

The short message I want to convey. W, I care for you, I love you and I will never give up on you W, no matter what happens.”

I really don’t want this to be long because I am only good at remembering a little of this stuff at one time. Especially in this kind of situation because I need to keep my composure. The only other things I MIGHT want to fit in is something about me remaining faithful. I need to play this one by ear, maybe only if she brings it up. Maybe I can simply say that I’ve remained faithful or I am married and behaving as such. I understand not to be spiteful about her poor decisions. Thoughts?

[Arsene]

Hey Rough... Holy HELL have I struggled with this. My sitch got to the point this weekend that the opportunity presented itself for these conversation points to come naturally...

Yeah, I agree that this sort of thing happens that way as well, however, I don't feel like I can offer much more advice on this at the moment mate, without feeling like a hypocrite because I pretty much broke most of the 37 rules on the list today.